A Victimful Crime
I was robbed shortly after I left the library tonight.
"Robbed" is, perhaps, too strong of a word. I have nothing to steal. Nevertheless, as I walked down the street towards my hovel for the night, a large, shadowed form leaned out from an alley and scooped me into the darkness.
The next several seconds were filled with pain and flashes of light as my head was bounced against a wall and my body pummelled by fists the size of hams I used to serve when I hosted local All-Sorcerors' Club games of gambling and skill.
I laid in a puddle of some unidentifiable liquid, panting harshly, while the fellow who had thrashed me searched through my clothing for money. I couldn't help myself. "You're an idiot," I said.
"Wha?" the robber said to me. By the Hoary Stars of Jomon, his breath was so bad as to be nearly visible.
"How long have you been plying your trade as a highwayman? This is entirely the wrong way to go about it. Did you find any money on me?"
"I--"
"No! Do you know why? Because I am homeless! I realize the fineness of my pants may have distracted you, but a man who wishes to live a life of crime must be discerning! Did you discern?"
"You--"
"I thought not. Look at my shirt! Look at my hair!" I stood up very slowly, leaning against the wall for support. "How could you mistake me for someone who would have any valuables worth your time?"
"I'll cut you--"
"What? Compound your lack of reward with a charge of murder? I have been reading! I know more of your laws and customs! Pfah. Are all criminals as incompetent as you?"
"I've got a vibraknife--"
"AND YOU DID NOT USE IT IN THE INITAL ASSAULT?" I confess, I was far harsher than I had intended, but truly! Had the man no sense? "You could have waved it in front of my face, threatened me with it, and gotten me to hand over what jewelry and money I possessed without resorting to actual violence, which only serves to increase the severity of your crime and thus the cost to you should you be caught."
"I should--"
"But not too closely, mind. A trained man-at-arms, assuming you were to find such a one around here, could take the knife from you and do you harm. You must first discern who is a target worth approaching and who is worth avoiding at all costs."
"You--"
"Here, come with me. I believe you need some lessons in your chosen criminal profession."
The large man's name is Hiram. He is not the brightest person I have ever dealt with, but by the end of the night, he was beginning to see the use of my instruction.
"Robbed" is, perhaps, too strong of a word. I have nothing to steal. Nevertheless, as I walked down the street towards my hovel for the night, a large, shadowed form leaned out from an alley and scooped me into the darkness.
The next several seconds were filled with pain and flashes of light as my head was bounced against a wall and my body pummelled by fists the size of hams I used to serve when I hosted local All-Sorcerors' Club games of gambling and skill.
I laid in a puddle of some unidentifiable liquid, panting harshly, while the fellow who had thrashed me searched through my clothing for money. I couldn't help myself. "You're an idiot," I said.
"Wha?" the robber said to me. By the Hoary Stars of Jomon, his breath was so bad as to be nearly visible.
"How long have you been plying your trade as a highwayman? This is entirely the wrong way to go about it. Did you find any money on me?"
"I--"
"No! Do you know why? Because I am homeless! I realize the fineness of my pants may have distracted you, but a man who wishes to live a life of crime must be discerning! Did you discern?"
"You--"
"I thought not. Look at my shirt! Look at my hair!" I stood up very slowly, leaning against the wall for support. "How could you mistake me for someone who would have any valuables worth your time?"
"I'll cut you--"
"What? Compound your lack of reward with a charge of murder? I have been reading! I know more of your laws and customs! Pfah. Are all criminals as incompetent as you?"
"I've got a vibraknife--"
"AND YOU DID NOT USE IT IN THE INITAL ASSAULT?" I confess, I was far harsher than I had intended, but truly! Had the man no sense? "You could have waved it in front of my face, threatened me with it, and gotten me to hand over what jewelry and money I possessed without resorting to actual violence, which only serves to increase the severity of your crime and thus the cost to you should you be caught."
"I should--"
"But not too closely, mind. A trained man-at-arms, assuming you were to find such a one around here, could take the knife from you and do you harm. You must first discern who is a target worth approaching and who is worth avoiding at all costs."
"You--"
"Here, come with me. I believe you need some lessons in your chosen criminal profession."
The large man's name is Hiram. He is not the brightest person I have ever dealt with, but by the end of the night, he was beginning to see the use of my instruction.