I think I give up.
I do not, it seems, have the strength of character to fix this. Months, and nothing. I spend my days looking for ways to make them pass faster. I'm back in that old rut; just waiting. It is obvious this is an internal problem; external circumstances may be unfavourable, but I have to fix it by myself, within myself, just the same. Only I guess I can't. It isn't working. I try to do something else; I try to use some of the creativity and excitement that was ever so briefly mine, and it's a wretched experience. I try to write or play music or draw and I just can't; it hurts too much, and there's nothing worth expressing.
At what point, in all of these things I need to resolve internally, was I supposed to learn how to interact with other human beings? I think I've always looked for too much, there. I've always been the sort with just a few close friends, but it seems to me that people function better without close connections; just a bunch of casual acquaintances. When you want someone to play with, it's better for all involved if you just skip over the ones who are busy or not in the mood, rather than trying to help. What would you do to try and help, anyway? They need to deal with it themselves, just the same as you.
This is one of the things that's so great about the internet; there's this forced layer of abstraction. It prevents you from getting close enough to anyone to disappoint each other. That's life, after all, isn't it? A contest between you and the universe to see which can be more of a disappointment. I did try, of course. It was astoundingly pitiful. I wish my attempts at meeting people and finding playmates could have been documented to serve as a warning to others who might attempt it.
There's more, of course, but who cares? Angst, etc. You get the point. I'm going to go buy something I can hit my brain with until it's content to go back to escapism now.
At what point, in all of these things I need to resolve internally, was I supposed to learn how to interact with other human beings? I think I've always looked for too much, there. I've always been the sort with just a few close friends, but it seems to me that people function better without close connections; just a bunch of casual acquaintances. When you want someone to play with, it's better for all involved if you just skip over the ones who are busy or not in the mood, rather than trying to help. What would you do to try and help, anyway? They need to deal with it themselves, just the same as you.
This is one of the things that's so great about the internet; there's this forced layer of abstraction. It prevents you from getting close enough to anyone to disappoint each other. That's life, after all, isn't it? A contest between you and the universe to see which can be more of a disappointment. I did try, of course. It was astoundingly pitiful. I wish my attempts at meeting people and finding playmates could have been documented to serve as a warning to others who might attempt it.
There's more, of course, but who cares? Angst, etc. You get the point. I'm going to go buy something I can hit my brain with until it's content to go back to escapism now.