The Sunglassed Bandits
It was a night of daredevilishness...It was a night of thievery...It was a night of adventurosity. Granted tonight is a night of made up words, but Thursday night was a night made for a TV movie. The plan was simple, but the risks were much more complicated. The reward was something that urged these two "nightstalkers" to proceed with their seemingly suicidal plan, but the deed was done nonetheless. Allow me to paint you a verbal picture, on a canvas of mystery and intrigue. I'll take some midnight black and mix it with some van dyke brown, and paint you a dark, but clear night. Sprinkle in some specks of white, and you got yourself a beautiful night sky. The highways were stirring, with an uncommon array of motorists, almost as if to dare the two wreckless fools into a night of peril. They would proceed, however, because this was not some ordinary plan. This was a plan for something that is more valuable than something that is very valuable. This is the Holy Grail of Holy Grails. It was a night to gain back what was rightfully theirs, and they would do so, in such a manner that would defy logic. Defy reason. Defy common sense. Defy a synonym of common sense. It was so crazy, that it just might work.
The Plan: To take back a hubcap that was thrown from the wheel of Michele D'Altorio's car approximately 5 days ago.
The Location: The left side of the service road of Sunrise Highway, between exits 51 and 52.
The Culprits:
Ryan "The Predator" Springer --- Known for his high-pitched yelping, incredible acting, and ingenious planning; this man is considered armed and dangerous, that is, armed with a dangerous amount of wit. Proceed with caution, as this man will talk you to a crisp, and make you want to cry with his puns, sarcazzm, and needless to say, really, really, really, incredibly good looks.
Michele "The Notorious W.H.Y." D'Altorio --- Known for her over-the-head antics, she can kill you with one swing of the bat, or one roll of a bowling ball. She is considered the Sporting Goods Store of Death. She might seem inviting with her infamous unbuttoned purple shirts, but be alarmed, for she is a woman of many questions. She will question, and then question some more, and then question the reason she questioned your question.
The Risks: This mission contains so many things that could spell the end for the two involved. Word's out that these two are looking to reclaim the hubcap of Michele's car, because that hubcap has been in her family for generations, and the Russian Mafia and the Yakuza would go to great lengths to capture that valued commodity. The police would be hot on their tails, and they would have to act quickly, so others would not get there first. And they would also have to cross the Sunrise Highway service road, something that is so crazy, so outlandish, so unnecessarily dangerous, that only these two could be stupid enough to attempt such a feat.
The result: They closed down their "video store" late Thursday night in haste, as that was the night they would move. This video store is really an underground hubcap selling ring, and the FBI has been all over them for years. They got into the Roadrunner, the very car that lost the hubcap in the first place. However, in case the car or the video store was under surveillance, they called the hubcap a huPcap, to throw them off. This tactic is trademark to the intellectual prowess of Michele D'Altorio. She knows that the coppers would have no idea what a hupcap was, and they would be riding clear. To avoid further questioning, they decided to blast Backstreet Boys: Chapter 1 in the car. Surprisingly, they both have really good voices, but not respectively. Michele sings very well for a guy, and Ryan sings very well for a girl, and together, they formed quite the lyrical pair. Bursting out with such songs as "I Want It That Way", "Larger Than Life" and "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely", they really went out of their way to make sure that their real plan was not going to be detected. On the way there, they would pass the time by pointing out such things as a STAPLES sign with letters burnt out so it only said PLES, the place where Michele bought her car a total of 8 times on the way there, and a RADIO SHACK that only had RA showing. As they got closer to the location of the huPcap, or Huppy as it was called, they played their trademark song. The song that stands as a way for them to show that they mean business; a song so good, so spectacular, so devious, it could only be called one thing..."THE CALL" by Backstreet Boys...Brrrrrrrrringgggg "Hello?"...In the song, A.J. is obviously doing something dangerous by going to another woman's place, and the same goes for Michele and Ryan, as they are doing something very dangerous as well. They go over the overpass and on to the other side of Sunrise, and they find the location of the hupcap, but to their dismay, there are about 3 to 5 other hupcaps in that same area, an obvious ploy by police to buy themselves some time to capture these deviants. The "Sunglassed Bandits" drive by nonchalantly, as if to dare the police and rival gangs to make a move, but they continue on their merry way. They get off at the next exit and cycle back around, but this time, it was time. I realize that I said time twice in the previous sentence, and very close together too, but that is just me stressing how that was the time, it was just a perfect time, as far as time and timing go. Sorry, time to get back to the story. They pulled over to the right, and put on their trademark sunglasses again, even though it was the dead of night. Dressed to kill, wearing their purple shirts and black slacks, their outfits were practically screaming DANGER!! The decoy was set, as there were cars coming, and to avoid suspicion, Ryan cleverly leaned over and acted as if he were throwing up, while Michele patted him on the back to console him, but you and I both know that this was their perfectly planned out acting job, to throw off any onlookers. Sounds of "ALLLLLLLLLLLLGHHHHHHHHHH" AND "ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" echoed through the night, and it even got so bad that Michele started to upchuck as well, although less obnoxiously. Apparently her "food poisoning" wasn't as bad. When the coast was clear, they scampered over to the other side, but with all the throwing up, they lost their coordinates, and were lost on the other side of the road, not remembering the exact location of Huppy. They got to the other side, and started going west, but to their dismay, there was a single broken hupcap in that direction, and it wasn't Huppy. The hupcap said that all his fallen comrades were further east, and that it was too much of a gamble to take him, so the "Sunglassed Bandits" were forced to leave a man behind, but as they looked in the direction of Huppy, headlights were looming in the distance. Cool, calm, and collectively, they went back over to the other side, where more vomiting was induced. 2 Golden Globe nominations later, they knew that they were running out of time, and that now was their chance. They ran to the other side, and found 4 hupcaps. First one was split in two, a casualty of Highway War. The next two were badly burned, and one of them was able to speak and simply uttered the words "Helllp me." The two looked at each other, and were contemplating whether to take these two hupcaps with them, when out of the loud sounds of the highway traffic, they heard a faint sound of Huppy. With the little energy that he had, and with his seemingly last breath, he managed to squeak out the following words..."HEY GUYS, I'M OVER HERE. I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS CAME BACK FOR ME, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY GETTING CHILLY OUT AND I'VE BEEN LAYING HERE FOR DAYS WITH NOTHING TO DO, SO I DECIDED TO COUNT HOW MANY CARS DROVE BY IN AN HOUR, AND THEN COUNTED THE NEXT HOUR TO SEE IF THE RECORD COULD BE BROKEN, AND WHEN I GOT BORED WITH THAT, I DECIDED TO SING THE FULL SOUNDTRACK TO THE WIZARD OF OZ, BUT EVERYONE STARTED TO GET MAD AT ME FOR THAT, SO I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING HERE FOR A DAY AND A HALF WITH NOTHING TO DO, PRAYING THAT SOMEONE WOULD COME RESCUE ME, AND HERE YOU ARE!!! I'M OVER HERE, HELLLPPPPPPP!!!" And with that, the night went deathly quiet. The Sunglassed Bandits feared the worst, but ran over to another hupcap, flipped him over, and it was him!! It was Huppy!! Ryan grabbed Huppy with one hand, and the two of them sprinted back to the other car, with sirens heard in the distance. Someone tipped off the cops, probably Sean Volz, and they were hot on their tails, and as they were running back to the car, Ryan held Huppy high into the air in triumph. They quickly placed him in the backseat, and sped away into the night. MISSION COMPLETED!! The two were out of breath, but achieved victory in this search and rescue mission. The sheer danger of the operation caused them to be really hungry, and they decided to stop at a diner for some replenishment. It was 1:40 am, and the diner closed at 2, so they rushed a meal, but still managed to finish before the people who were already in there when they got there. During their celebratory meal, Ryan whipped out his arsenal of wit for a blazing comment, that was so good, it had to be reported here. Michele began showing Ryan pictures of her cousins in her phone, but for some reason there were a bunch of pictures that were just black, with nothing in them. When asked what she was doing, Michele retorted with "I'm erasing all the black ones" and Ryan quickly responded with "You're such an eracist". BA-ZING!! TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON JOHNNY!! AN INCREDIBLE QUIP TO CAP OFF AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT FILLED WITH FUN, ADVENTURE AND DANGER. WHY I AM CONTINUING TO WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS IS UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, SO I WILL GRADUALLY FADE BACK INTO LOWERCASE BEFORE YOu know it, and everything will go back to normal. At the end of the night, Huppy was "gently" fitted back onto Michele's wheel, and the night was a complete success. The cops never did catch "The Predator" and "The Notorious W.H.Y.", but they were last heard crooning such hip-hop classics as "Shake Ya' Tailfeather" and "Generic Black Man's Song Title", but police and FBI are still looking for these two vigilantes. If you have seen them, please let us know.
Ryan "The Predator" Springer: Only ID on him is that he is approximately 7 feet 4 inches, and 78 pounds. Wears a questionable goatee on his chin, and was last seen in a purple shirt and sunglasses. Has been said to look like Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Ed Norton.
Michele "The Notorious W.H.Y." D'Altorio: Only ID on her is that her pants are ripped near the ass, her top button is never buttoned, and apparently she was blessed with multiple beauty marks, or so says an eye witness customer at Hollywood Video. Her matching purple shirt can be identified with a Kid's Kitchen sauce stain near the second button. Has been said to look like Jennifer Aniston and Kamila Rutkowska.
If you have any information on these two delinquents, please contact Sarcazzm Inc. at
1-800-CALLABOUTTHEHUPCAPTHIEVES, or visit this website and post a comment. We are doing everything we can to get these thugs off the streets. And in case you ever see a small Hollywood Video receipt with the words "Lean Back" printed on them, then you know that that is the calling card of the Sunglassed Bandits, and that something was just stolen from your possession. Our only hope is that they are brought into custody as soon as possible. May God be with you all.
((No hubcaps were harmed in the making of this journal entry))
Leave a comment, but no p-p-p-p-rrrressha.
The Plan: To take back a hubcap that was thrown from the wheel of Michele D'Altorio's car approximately 5 days ago.
The Location: The left side of the service road of Sunrise Highway, between exits 51 and 52.
The Culprits:
Ryan "The Predator" Springer --- Known for his high-pitched yelping, incredible acting, and ingenious planning; this man is considered armed and dangerous, that is, armed with a dangerous amount of wit. Proceed with caution, as this man will talk you to a crisp, and make you want to cry with his puns, sarcazzm, and needless to say, really, really, really, incredibly good looks.
Michele "The Notorious W.H.Y." D'Altorio --- Known for her over-the-head antics, she can kill you with one swing of the bat, or one roll of a bowling ball. She is considered the Sporting Goods Store of Death. She might seem inviting with her infamous unbuttoned purple shirts, but be alarmed, for she is a woman of many questions. She will question, and then question some more, and then question the reason she questioned your question.
The Risks: This mission contains so many things that could spell the end for the two involved. Word's out that these two are looking to reclaim the hubcap of Michele's car, because that hubcap has been in her family for generations, and the Russian Mafia and the Yakuza would go to great lengths to capture that valued commodity. The police would be hot on their tails, and they would have to act quickly, so others would not get there first. And they would also have to cross the Sunrise Highway service road, something that is so crazy, so outlandish, so unnecessarily dangerous, that only these two could be stupid enough to attempt such a feat.
The result: They closed down their "video store" late Thursday night in haste, as that was the night they would move. This video store is really an underground hubcap selling ring, and the FBI has been all over them for years. They got into the Roadrunner, the very car that lost the hubcap in the first place. However, in case the car or the video store was under surveillance, they called the hubcap a huPcap, to throw them off. This tactic is trademark to the intellectual prowess of Michele D'Altorio. She knows that the coppers would have no idea what a hupcap was, and they would be riding clear. To avoid further questioning, they decided to blast Backstreet Boys: Chapter 1 in the car. Surprisingly, they both have really good voices, but not respectively. Michele sings very well for a guy, and Ryan sings very well for a girl, and together, they formed quite the lyrical pair. Bursting out with such songs as "I Want It That Way", "Larger Than Life" and "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely", they really went out of their way to make sure that their real plan was not going to be detected. On the way there, they would pass the time by pointing out such things as a STAPLES sign with letters burnt out so it only said PLES, the place where Michele bought her car a total of 8 times on the way there, and a RADIO SHACK that only had RA showing. As they got closer to the location of the huPcap, or Huppy as it was called, they played their trademark song. The song that stands as a way for them to show that they mean business; a song so good, so spectacular, so devious, it could only be called one thing..."THE CALL" by Backstreet Boys...Brrrrrrrrringgggg "Hello?"...In the song, A.J. is obviously doing something dangerous by going to another woman's place, and the same goes for Michele and Ryan, as they are doing something very dangerous as well. They go over the overpass and on to the other side of Sunrise, and they find the location of the hupcap, but to their dismay, there are about 3 to 5 other hupcaps in that same area, an obvious ploy by police to buy themselves some time to capture these deviants. The "Sunglassed Bandits" drive by nonchalantly, as if to dare the police and rival gangs to make a move, but they continue on their merry way. They get off at the next exit and cycle back around, but this time, it was time. I realize that I said time twice in the previous sentence, and very close together too, but that is just me stressing how that was the time, it was just a perfect time, as far as time and timing go. Sorry, time to get back to the story. They pulled over to the right, and put on their trademark sunglasses again, even though it was the dead of night. Dressed to kill, wearing their purple shirts and black slacks, their outfits were practically screaming DANGER!! The decoy was set, as there were cars coming, and to avoid suspicion, Ryan cleverly leaned over and acted as if he were throwing up, while Michele patted him on the back to console him, but you and I both know that this was their perfectly planned out acting job, to throw off any onlookers. Sounds of "ALLLLLLLLLLLLGHHHHHHHHHH" AND "ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" echoed through the night, and it even got so bad that Michele started to upchuck as well, although less obnoxiously. Apparently her "food poisoning" wasn't as bad. When the coast was clear, they scampered over to the other side, but with all the throwing up, they lost their coordinates, and were lost on the other side of the road, not remembering the exact location of Huppy. They got to the other side, and started going west, but to their dismay, there was a single broken hupcap in that direction, and it wasn't Huppy. The hupcap said that all his fallen comrades were further east, and that it was too much of a gamble to take him, so the "Sunglassed Bandits" were forced to leave a man behind, but as they looked in the direction of Huppy, headlights were looming in the distance. Cool, calm, and collectively, they went back over to the other side, where more vomiting was induced. 2 Golden Globe nominations later, they knew that they were running out of time, and that now was their chance. They ran to the other side, and found 4 hupcaps. First one was split in two, a casualty of Highway War. The next two were badly burned, and one of them was able to speak and simply uttered the words "Helllp me." The two looked at each other, and were contemplating whether to take these two hupcaps with them, when out of the loud sounds of the highway traffic, they heard a faint sound of Huppy. With the little energy that he had, and with his seemingly last breath, he managed to squeak out the following words..."HEY GUYS, I'M OVER HERE. I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS CAME BACK FOR ME, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY GETTING CHILLY OUT AND I'VE BEEN LAYING HERE FOR DAYS WITH NOTHING TO DO, SO I DECIDED TO COUNT HOW MANY CARS DROVE BY IN AN HOUR, AND THEN COUNTED THE NEXT HOUR TO SEE IF THE RECORD COULD BE BROKEN, AND WHEN I GOT BORED WITH THAT, I DECIDED TO SING THE FULL SOUNDTRACK TO THE WIZARD OF OZ, BUT EVERYONE STARTED TO GET MAD AT ME FOR THAT, SO I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING HERE FOR A DAY AND A HALF WITH NOTHING TO DO, PRAYING THAT SOMEONE WOULD COME RESCUE ME, AND HERE YOU ARE!!! I'M OVER HERE, HELLLPPPPPPP!!!" And with that, the night went deathly quiet. The Sunglassed Bandits feared the worst, but ran over to another hupcap, flipped him over, and it was him!! It was Huppy!! Ryan grabbed Huppy with one hand, and the two of them sprinted back to the other car, with sirens heard in the distance. Someone tipped off the cops, probably Sean Volz, and they were hot on their tails, and as they were running back to the car, Ryan held Huppy high into the air in triumph. They quickly placed him in the backseat, and sped away into the night. MISSION COMPLETED!! The two were out of breath, but achieved victory in this search and rescue mission. The sheer danger of the operation caused them to be really hungry, and they decided to stop at a diner for some replenishment. It was 1:40 am, and the diner closed at 2, so they rushed a meal, but still managed to finish before the people who were already in there when they got there. During their celebratory meal, Ryan whipped out his arsenal of wit for a blazing comment, that was so good, it had to be reported here. Michele began showing Ryan pictures of her cousins in her phone, but for some reason there were a bunch of pictures that were just black, with nothing in them. When asked what she was doing, Michele retorted with "I'm erasing all the black ones" and Ryan quickly responded with "You're such an eracist". BA-ZING!! TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON JOHNNY!! AN INCREDIBLE QUIP TO CAP OFF AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT FILLED WITH FUN, ADVENTURE AND DANGER. WHY I AM CONTINUING TO WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS IS UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, SO I WILL GRADUALLY FADE BACK INTO LOWERCASE BEFORE YOu know it, and everything will go back to normal. At the end of the night, Huppy was "gently" fitted back onto Michele's wheel, and the night was a complete success. The cops never did catch "The Predator" and "The Notorious W.H.Y.", but they were last heard crooning such hip-hop classics as "Shake Ya' Tailfeather" and "Generic Black Man's Song Title", but police and FBI are still looking for these two vigilantes. If you have seen them, please let us know.
Ryan "The Predator" Springer: Only ID on him is that he is approximately 7 feet 4 inches, and 78 pounds. Wears a questionable goatee on his chin, and was last seen in a purple shirt and sunglasses. Has been said to look like Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Ed Norton.
Michele "The Notorious W.H.Y." D'Altorio: Only ID on her is that her pants are ripped near the ass, her top button is never buttoned, and apparently she was blessed with multiple beauty marks, or so says an eye witness customer at Hollywood Video. Her matching purple shirt can be identified with a Kid's Kitchen sauce stain near the second button. Has been said to look like Jennifer Aniston and Kamila Rutkowska.
If you have any information on these two delinquents, please contact Sarcazzm Inc. at
1-800-CALLABOUTTHEHUPCAPTHIEVES, or visit this website and post a comment. We are doing everything we can to get these thugs off the streets. And in case you ever see a small Hollywood Video receipt with the words "Lean Back" printed on them, then you know that that is the calling card of the Sunglassed Bandits, and that something was just stolen from your possession. Our only hope is that they are brought into custody as soon as possible. May God be with you all.
((No hubcaps were harmed in the making of this journal entry))
Leave a comment, but no p-p-p-p-rrrressha.