Controversial Religious Opinion.
A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends told me that I was a contributory factor in his continued atheism. An interventionist god, he reasoned, would not allow shit things to persistently happen to me, being as I am, apparently, nice and fluffy and mostly harmless. My counter theory, ever so slightly tongue in cheek, was that it was because of
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But to be serious... This has been a most stimulating post, and as someone who has been depressed I can completely empathise about you being so low you'd look for anything, (well almost) to find a way out. I have often envied those poor, deluded "born agains" with thier joy and fulfillment. I have spent time when low, asking, "why me?" I've done nothing seriously wrong, I've lived more of a Christian life than most people who call themselves practising Christians do. I spend my time helping the sick, the needy, the destitute. I have waited for answers, revalations, a moment of conversion, I have waited to be entered by H/his spirit, to be changed. It never happened.
There is nothing there. I'm quite sure of that now. But I think I understand why the faithful are so happy. They have absolved themselves of responsibility by becoming part of a bigger group, like Nazis in a concentration camp, they have no sense of individuality; their naivety and sillyness is absolved because it is the actions of the whole group. Call it hive mentality, mass hypnosis, mass hysteria in some cases. They no longer have to think for themselves.
We however, fortunately/unfortunately (depending on how well we're feeling at any given time,) cannot let go of the important, defining sense of self. That's why we look silly, that's why we spend so long putting our make up on, that's why we will always stand out in a crowd, because we are ourselves, to the detriment of everything else, often ourselves.
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This is exactly what I was getting at. I envy and despise them in equal measure. I'm sure I would be a lot happier if I could surpress my free-thinking, analytical side and just believe people when they tell me everything is going to be OK, but at the same time I don't think I could stand the idea of living like that. Life might suck, but I'd rather figure it out for myself than subscribe to (to borrow your phrase) a hive mentality. I don't know how those people find any sense of fulfillment when all they have really done is found an excuse for not facing up to the things which trouble them.
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