I've been searching my soul tonight...
I know at least a couple people noticed the status message on Facebook: Mike is at 5801 and not very sober. Not to mention VERY pensive.
One reply to that status read: not very sober...good. pensive...not good.
Not as "not good" as you might think.
I know, right? Guy goes to the bar, by himself, gets a few drinks in him, and gets to thinking. Oftentimes, a recipe for disaster. And, I suppose, in some ways, it could have been, if I were willing to let it be.
My previous relationship ended almost 21 months ago. Slowly, but surely, it's approaching the two-year mark. I realise there was another guy for about five months early on in 2008, but this wasn't really, truly a relationship, I don't think. Well... it was a relationship, as, well, any sort of regular interaction between two people becomes a relationship of sorts, but it didn't encompass enough, in retrospect, to qualify as a relationship in that context. In any case, I digress.
In the past 21 months, I've sort of put myself through a lot of changes. I uprooted myself again and moved to a new city. (This, though, more for financial reasons than any other, as, quite honestly, had I the money to still be in DC, in DC is where I would most likely be.) I shed some 80 pounds. I've toyed with my look. I've worked to become more comfortable in my own clothes, and in my own skin. To be more the person I want to be. To like myself better.
Overall, I've been successful in my efforts. At the very least, I don't look in the mirror aghast, completely dismayed at what I see. In fact, I don't think I look the twenty-seven years of age that I am. (Thanks, Mom. That's totally thanks to you there.) As I grow older, I feel I look more youthful. And it seems to be true, in that, people underestimate me by a year or two nowadays, compared to the three to five they used to overestimate me when I was younger.
I'm still toying with things as I go along. I've bleached my hair, stood it up, laid it down, tried a goatee with and without a mustache, and a fuller beard, stubbly, clean-shaven.... Hell, if you've seen my Facebook or MySpace lately, you've seen I have done (and still do in my free time) the fauxhawk. If I could get away with it, I'd even probably try out some unnatural colours, but that doesn't go over so well with most places of employ. And the ones which wouldn't care also wouldn't pay a living wage. Not that where I'm at presently is paying me the best wage in the world...
But!
I'm happier doing what I am doing than what I was doing, which is huge. Moreover, other people notice it, too. People who worked for me at the other store end up in my new one, doing their shopping, and the general consensus is that I smile more and look a lot more relaxed. A couple folks have said they've been in and not been able to get my attention, but just observing me from afar could see that I looked happy.
So maybe all the pieces aren't in all the right places yet still... but some of the most important ones are finding their places.
In any case, I budgeted myself $60 for drinking money. Tips and all, I only spent $36. And only $27.50 on drinks, so I guess I'm a damn good tipper. But I did have good drinks, and I did tip one bartender $2 for a straight Coke he didn't charge me for. So, no worries, folks, I didn't go overboard. I was drinking, and pensive, but not three sheets in the wind or anything like that.
I've definitely come to enjoy 5801 in Shadyside as a fairly relaxed hangout. It doesn't seem to have that certain atmosphere that so many other queer bars do. Or maybe it does, and it's me that's different these days. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a gay bar and nearly choked on the stench of pretense. Ran into one person I have recently gotten to know a bit, and spotted a number of faces I recognise but don't really know at all. So, mostly, it was just me hanging out by myself and observing people.
And as I did so, what I really got to thinking about was how I really didn't see anyone I thought was ugly, per se... but I didn't see anyone that particularly grabbed my attention. No one I just had to know. No one I could even visualise myself dating.
Well, that may not be completely true, either. I found myself attracted to a couple of the bartenders. And the thing about the bartenders is that they're just dressed in black T-shirts and kinda scruffy, even. And of the two who caught my attention, I was probably physically more attracted to the shorter, lighter-haired one, but ultimately more overall attracted to the taller, darker-haired one, because unlike the latter, the former didn't really seem to exude even a modicum of personality. That's not to say he hasn't got one, and it's not to say that he didn't keep up with me as well as the other guy, but there was something warmer about the taller one, which I liked.
And at one point, a guy randomly introduced himself, and then the guy and girl who were with him. I'm not sure who was dating whom, and it doesn't really matter, because I didn't want to go home with any of them, really. I didn't want to go home with anybody.
Well, yeah, maybe I did, but it wasn't necessarily anybody at the bar. The guy of the group who initially introduced himself made some remark like, "We'll find you a husband!" Funny he should say that, since I think that's what I'm getting at. Sort of. Not necessarily that I want a husband... but I think I'm at that point where I'm ready for a mate. The girl of the group asked me something about what my type is. I told her that it was variable, and that probably has to do with my focus being much more heavily on personality traits than physical ones. (Note earlier mention of bartenders.)
And it's true. With Michael, it really wasn't his looks that got me. Because at first look, I was completely indifferent to him. With the "non-relationship" guy, well, it wasn't his looks that captured my attention. Over time, it came to seem that he thought he was hot shit, but I never got into him over his looks. Physical attraction is ultimately pretty minor, I've come to find in my time. Somebody who, at first sight, is "okay-looking" will become the most beautiful thing in the world to me if their personality shines brightly enough to do the trick.
There is no "love at first sight" with me. "Lust at first sight" sometimes, sure. But usually, "lust at first sight" turns into, "Now that I know you, you are so not hot". There's a lot to be said for the so-called "inner beauty" that nobody seems to believe in. Maybe for some people, they just need to kiss a lot of princes before they figure out they need to kiss a frog.
The thing I'm most missing around here, I've decided, is the comfort that comes from good, solid relationships with people. That's not meant to be a slag on people.... It does mean that I'm definitely lonely, and while I have been able to socialise somewhat lately, it's still kind of empty. It means I need quality time with the small number of good friends I have around here, and maybe to find other quality people to build strong, quality relationships with.
And a frog. I'd like a frog.
One reply to that status read: not very sober...good. pensive...not good.
Not as "not good" as you might think.
I know, right? Guy goes to the bar, by himself, gets a few drinks in him, and gets to thinking. Oftentimes, a recipe for disaster. And, I suppose, in some ways, it could have been, if I were willing to let it be.
My previous relationship ended almost 21 months ago. Slowly, but surely, it's approaching the two-year mark. I realise there was another guy for about five months early on in 2008, but this wasn't really, truly a relationship, I don't think. Well... it was a relationship, as, well, any sort of regular interaction between two people becomes a relationship of sorts, but it didn't encompass enough, in retrospect, to qualify as a relationship in that context. In any case, I digress.
In the past 21 months, I've sort of put myself through a lot of changes. I uprooted myself again and moved to a new city. (This, though, more for financial reasons than any other, as, quite honestly, had I the money to still be in DC, in DC is where I would most likely be.) I shed some 80 pounds. I've toyed with my look. I've worked to become more comfortable in my own clothes, and in my own skin. To be more the person I want to be. To like myself better.
Overall, I've been successful in my efforts. At the very least, I don't look in the mirror aghast, completely dismayed at what I see. In fact, I don't think I look the twenty-seven years of age that I am. (Thanks, Mom. That's totally thanks to you there.) As I grow older, I feel I look more youthful. And it seems to be true, in that, people underestimate me by a year or two nowadays, compared to the three to five they used to overestimate me when I was younger.
I'm still toying with things as I go along. I've bleached my hair, stood it up, laid it down, tried a goatee with and without a mustache, and a fuller beard, stubbly, clean-shaven.... Hell, if you've seen my Facebook or MySpace lately, you've seen I have done (and still do in my free time) the fauxhawk. If I could get away with it, I'd even probably try out some unnatural colours, but that doesn't go over so well with most places of employ. And the ones which wouldn't care also wouldn't pay a living wage. Not that where I'm at presently is paying me the best wage in the world...
But!
I'm happier doing what I am doing than what I was doing, which is huge. Moreover, other people notice it, too. People who worked for me at the other store end up in my new one, doing their shopping, and the general consensus is that I smile more and look a lot more relaxed. A couple folks have said they've been in and not been able to get my attention, but just observing me from afar could see that I looked happy.
So maybe all the pieces aren't in all the right places yet still... but some of the most important ones are finding their places.
In any case, I budgeted myself $60 for drinking money. Tips and all, I only spent $36. And only $27.50 on drinks, so I guess I'm a damn good tipper. But I did have good drinks, and I did tip one bartender $2 for a straight Coke he didn't charge me for. So, no worries, folks, I didn't go overboard. I was drinking, and pensive, but not three sheets in the wind or anything like that.
I've definitely come to enjoy 5801 in Shadyside as a fairly relaxed hangout. It doesn't seem to have that certain atmosphere that so many other queer bars do. Or maybe it does, and it's me that's different these days. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a gay bar and nearly choked on the stench of pretense. Ran into one person I have recently gotten to know a bit, and spotted a number of faces I recognise but don't really know at all. So, mostly, it was just me hanging out by myself and observing people.
And as I did so, what I really got to thinking about was how I really didn't see anyone I thought was ugly, per se... but I didn't see anyone that particularly grabbed my attention. No one I just had to know. No one I could even visualise myself dating.
Well, that may not be completely true, either. I found myself attracted to a couple of the bartenders. And the thing about the bartenders is that they're just dressed in black T-shirts and kinda scruffy, even. And of the two who caught my attention, I was probably physically more attracted to the shorter, lighter-haired one, but ultimately more overall attracted to the taller, darker-haired one, because unlike the latter, the former didn't really seem to exude even a modicum of personality. That's not to say he hasn't got one, and it's not to say that he didn't keep up with me as well as the other guy, but there was something warmer about the taller one, which I liked.
And at one point, a guy randomly introduced himself, and then the guy and girl who were with him. I'm not sure who was dating whom, and it doesn't really matter, because I didn't want to go home with any of them, really. I didn't want to go home with anybody.
Well, yeah, maybe I did, but it wasn't necessarily anybody at the bar. The guy of the group who initially introduced himself made some remark like, "We'll find you a husband!" Funny he should say that, since I think that's what I'm getting at. Sort of. Not necessarily that I want a husband... but I think I'm at that point where I'm ready for a mate. The girl of the group asked me something about what my type is. I told her that it was variable, and that probably has to do with my focus being much more heavily on personality traits than physical ones. (Note earlier mention of bartenders.)
And it's true. With Michael, it really wasn't his looks that got me. Because at first look, I was completely indifferent to him. With the "non-relationship" guy, well, it wasn't his looks that captured my attention. Over time, it came to seem that he thought he was hot shit, but I never got into him over his looks. Physical attraction is ultimately pretty minor, I've come to find in my time. Somebody who, at first sight, is "okay-looking" will become the most beautiful thing in the world to me if their personality shines brightly enough to do the trick.
There is no "love at first sight" with me. "Lust at first sight" sometimes, sure. But usually, "lust at first sight" turns into, "Now that I know you, you are so not hot". There's a lot to be said for the so-called "inner beauty" that nobody seems to believe in. Maybe for some people, they just need to kiss a lot of princes before they figure out they need to kiss a frog.
The thing I'm most missing around here, I've decided, is the comfort that comes from good, solid relationships with people. That's not meant to be a slag on people.... It does mean that I'm definitely lonely, and while I have been able to socialise somewhat lately, it's still kind of empty. It means I need quality time with the small number of good friends I have around here, and maybe to find other quality people to build strong, quality relationships with.
And a frog. I'd like a frog.