so this is hell.....nice curtains.
From time to time I may shed a tear, but I do not recall when i was last so unconsolably distressed. I was finally able to sleep last night. I found calm within myself and slumbered peacefully for nearly 4 hours....suddenly I was awoken by my mothers voice. She asked if i had noticed anything wrong with my ferret lately. This notion broke my restful state like a jackhammer would break an icecube. Immediately i threw on clothes and ran out to see her. She was always loses weight this time of year, but she is downright bony. Not to mention listless, limping, dazed, dehydrated, and many other signs that I have come to associate with mortal illness. Ferrets can dehydrate completely within the space of 8 hours...but she would not drink water. Other symptoms are far too disturbing to record. Fortunately I found an emergency veterenarian not far from here. They offered several possibilities ranging from intestinal blockage to lymphoma. I have never seen her so lifeless. Her spark of joy has all but vanished for the time being. Worst of all, I fear that I may not have adequate funds to ensure her survival. Finding a diagnosis has already cost me most of the money I have saved. The treatment is likely to be even more exhorbitant. If i do not have the money it takes to save her life she will have to be put down, simply because I don't have enough fucking cash. This is the hardest thing I can imagine. I am now cursing myself for every movie i've seen....every drink i've bought myself or anyone else....every cigarette ive smoked....every frivolous meal i've bought.....every overpriced coffehouse ive visited.....every toy i get for myself....every day i didn't go to work when i couldve......so many things are haunting me now. So many wasted dollars on pointless ventures and superfluous trinkets. I have decided to cancel my roadtrip for this weekend obviously. Having fun is on the bottom of the priority list now. Surgery or medication are never cheap. I am almost tapped out already just from trying to find out what is wrong. I don't feel like I have a right to have any fun right now when there is a creature that depends on me to survive. My money will never be spent frivolously again. I have to call back in an hour to find out just how sick my baby really is. The anxiety is stripping my nerves to the bare frayed wire. If i have to see her die for the simple want of money, nothing will be right with my world. When i look back on the thousands of dollars i have spent in the past year for mere recreation, i cannot help but despise myself somewhat. How could I have been so capricious? She is in misery and i might not even be able to get her the treatment she needs to survive.. She means the world to me and can never be replaced. she is being poked and prodded by complete strangers as we speak. She must be even more afraid than i am.....I hate crying.