(no subject)
god....today was sooo werid.
um, lets see. The beginning of this day wasn't the bad part. I woke up when Greg (<3 :p)called me, I couldn't hang out untill I cleaned the downstairs. So, I did, and I went to Greg's house, met his friend Tim, and we watched Bruce Almightly, and later went out for Chineese food. I noticed, that when I sat down, My leg hurt REALLY badly. I think it's becuase lately, seeing that its X-mas break, and all, I haven't gone to karate, OR school. I walk around ALOT at school, now that I think about it. And martail arts, I use my legs 4357945 times a day. I think its just a withdraw, and i'm not used to it. But at the time I didnt know what it was, I scared me seeeing that my grandma gets cramps in her legs from time to time. Docotors dont know what it is, but I've been there many times when she gets it, and It hurts, bad. I cant stand to see her in such pain. I was scared that maybe what I was feeling was that. It went away at the perticualr time, and I didnt want to think about it. I doesn't hurt when I walk..I think it went away so quickly becuase it was a buffet, and I had to get up and walk from time to time. It was crazy because, I got my fortune cookie, and it said: "There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon" Now, I KNOW fortune cookies are complete bullshit, but just thinking about how many times I eat at chineese resterants, and how many fortune cookies i have gotten over the years...It was a little odd that the only one I have ever gotten having anything to do with realtionships(much less romantic ones) would be when i'm sitting next to greg :p Anyway, for those of you who dont CARE about that (assholes :p) I came home from hanging out, and dad and I went to get my pictures from walmart, and rented two movies.High Fidelity, and Good Fellas.
High fidelity, meh, I've seen it 345978435 times on TV, funny movie, I love Jack Black, dont get me wrong..but I've just seen it many many times.
Good Fellas: I was expecting this movie to be good. Great Director, GREAT actor <3Robert Dinerio<3 (if only I could spell :p) anyway, after watching both movies, I got put from laying down so long, and my legs hurt, so. fucking. badly. omg It was terrible. So terrible.
My brother was hungry, so we (as in my brother, my dad and I) went to stake n' shake. I just got a shake, and started complaining about my leg, it was something new that was happening, and to be very honest, It scared me. I was worried. No one seemed to take me seriously, probally becuase they know its nothing big, but what if it is. Who knows, even if it wasn't I still think they should take into consideration that i'm worried, and scared, and not tell me to stop bitching. I dont care where the fuck your from, but that NEVER helps. I was looking at my hand, dont ask why, I just was, and i noticed my finger is kinda like shapped oddly becuase I hurt it. Mr. Stan told me to get an x ray, but as i knew that they would, my parents didnt want to spend money on getting an x ray on something they knew wasnt broken becuase i could bend it. Even though its not broken, that doesnt mean there couldnt be something wrong with it. It still hurts and its fucking shaped werid. Come on. theres something wrong. Dad said "you have 200 dollers, why not get your oen x ray'
YOU'RE MY FUCKING FATHER! cant you just pay for a fucking x ray? jesus christ.
Thank you.
I dont know what was wrong with me (and DONT tell me its that time of the month becuase, its not. Its far from that.) But I jst started crying...Hystarically. Like someone had fucking died, and I couldnt control it. and I was laughing becuase i felt like a god damned Idiot. a fucking idiot.
It was a mixure of the pain from my leg, a feeling of rejection from no one taking me seriously, not only about my leg, but about my finger, as well. and on top of that, someone said something about school, which didnt help me at all.
For those of you who dont know: let me tell you about me and public education. I dont attend class, for one. When I do show up to class, aside from it being a fucking mericale and people looking at me like they thought i was dead for the past several weeks of me not being in class, I dont do any work. I always put thing aside. I neevr think about the future. I do in the sence that I say to myslef 'you know you're going to have to deal with this sooner or later' but I just dont care. Lately, when i'[m skipping and such...I just feel like I dont. care. period. Like, i dont need to do anything, and I dont do anything. and that i'm worthless.
I feel compleetly worthless, yes.
i'm sitting at a table with my family at 2 am in the morning. CRYING like the world id coming to an end. about how i'm a fucking loser, and will never amount to anything. about now no one listens to me, and doesnt take what i sayy seriously.
for those of you who dont know me, you're probally thinking i'm a fucking emotional bitch, complaining about nothing. well, fuck you. I know I have no reason to be complaining. i'm not looking for help. I just feel like I should write this down, to get it out. Its terrible becuase...Those of yoyu who see me all day everyday..know that i'm Generally a happy, bubbly person. I love to admit that i'm accually very optimistic. But, when I get depressed, it hits hard. If you're depressed all the time, I think maybe you might be used to it and know how to handle it. Its a mmixure of me putting things off, and just generally being able to looking for the better side of things that makes it so hard when i'm accually sad. Becuase i dont have anything to look on the bright side of sometimes. Its accually very frighting.
I'm such a whinny bitch. I'm NOT used to it. and I hATE it, its juts not me. I dont whine that much, and i generally dont complain. but I feel like shit. I know I can be better though. Its just when i get sad like that, I dont think, and just cry. Its only untill later that I realize that I didnt really have anything valid to cry about. god, what a bitch.
I know i'll be better tommorw, though...i'll put itn behind me. Tommow, i'll have my mind off of it becuase i'm going out to see a movie with someone that its virtually impossible to be depressed around. I need to get my shit together. Get my life on track somewhere. I know I can do it, I dont want to end up wondering where i fucked it all up. I dont want to give up, as much as i wish it were possible to. I dont want to ebcuase I know that I cant live my life like that.
I'll be fine tommorw. Like I said, someone that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be depressed around :p
Goodnight Guys.
<3amber
um, lets see. The beginning of this day wasn't the bad part. I woke up when Greg (<3 :p)called me, I couldn't hang out untill I cleaned the downstairs. So, I did, and I went to Greg's house, met his friend Tim, and we watched Bruce Almightly, and later went out for Chineese food. I noticed, that when I sat down, My leg hurt REALLY badly. I think it's becuase lately, seeing that its X-mas break, and all, I haven't gone to karate, OR school. I walk around ALOT at school, now that I think about it. And martail arts, I use my legs 4357945 times a day. I think its just a withdraw, and i'm not used to it. But at the time I didnt know what it was, I scared me seeeing that my grandma gets cramps in her legs from time to time. Docotors dont know what it is, but I've been there many times when she gets it, and It hurts, bad. I cant stand to see her in such pain. I was scared that maybe what I was feeling was that. It went away at the perticualr time, and I didnt want to think about it. I doesn't hurt when I walk..I think it went away so quickly becuase it was a buffet, and I had to get up and walk from time to time. It was crazy because, I got my fortune cookie, and it said: "There's a good chance of a romantic encounter soon" Now, I KNOW fortune cookies are complete bullshit, but just thinking about how many times I eat at chineese resterants, and how many fortune cookies i have gotten over the years...It was a little odd that the only one I have ever gotten having anything to do with realtionships(much less romantic ones) would be when i'm sitting next to greg :p Anyway, for those of you who dont CARE about that (assholes :p) I came home from hanging out, and dad and I went to get my pictures from walmart, and rented two movies.High Fidelity, and Good Fellas.
High fidelity, meh, I've seen it 345978435 times on TV, funny movie, I love Jack Black, dont get me wrong..but I've just seen it many many times.
Good Fellas: I was expecting this movie to be good. Great Director, GREAT actor <3Robert Dinerio<3 (if only I could spell :p) anyway, after watching both movies, I got put from laying down so long, and my legs hurt, so. fucking. badly. omg It was terrible. So terrible.
My brother was hungry, so we (as in my brother, my dad and I) went to stake n' shake. I just got a shake, and started complaining about my leg, it was something new that was happening, and to be very honest, It scared me. I was worried. No one seemed to take me seriously, probally becuase they know its nothing big, but what if it is. Who knows, even if it wasn't I still think they should take into consideration that i'm worried, and scared, and not tell me to stop bitching. I dont care where the fuck your from, but that NEVER helps. I was looking at my hand, dont ask why, I just was, and i noticed my finger is kinda like shapped oddly becuase I hurt it. Mr. Stan told me to get an x ray, but as i knew that they would, my parents didnt want to spend money on getting an x ray on something they knew wasnt broken becuase i could bend it. Even though its not broken, that doesnt mean there couldnt be something wrong with it. It still hurts and its fucking shaped werid. Come on. theres something wrong. Dad said "you have 200 dollers, why not get your oen x ray'
YOU'RE MY FUCKING FATHER! cant you just pay for a fucking x ray? jesus christ.
Thank you.
I dont know what was wrong with me (and DONT tell me its that time of the month becuase, its not. Its far from that.) But I jst started crying...Hystarically. Like someone had fucking died, and I couldnt control it. and I was laughing becuase i felt like a god damned Idiot. a fucking idiot.
It was a mixure of the pain from my leg, a feeling of rejection from no one taking me seriously, not only about my leg, but about my finger, as well. and on top of that, someone said something about school, which didnt help me at all.
For those of you who dont know: let me tell you about me and public education. I dont attend class, for one. When I do show up to class, aside from it being a fucking mericale and people looking at me like they thought i was dead for the past several weeks of me not being in class, I dont do any work. I always put thing aside. I neevr think about the future. I do in the sence that I say to myslef 'you know you're going to have to deal with this sooner or later' but I just dont care. Lately, when i'[m skipping and such...I just feel like I dont. care. period. Like, i dont need to do anything, and I dont do anything. and that i'm worthless.
I feel compleetly worthless, yes.
i'm sitting at a table with my family at 2 am in the morning. CRYING like the world id coming to an end. about how i'm a fucking loser, and will never amount to anything. about now no one listens to me, and doesnt take what i sayy seriously.
for those of you who dont know me, you're probally thinking i'm a fucking emotional bitch, complaining about nothing. well, fuck you. I know I have no reason to be complaining. i'm not looking for help. I just feel like I should write this down, to get it out. Its terrible becuase...Those of yoyu who see me all day everyday..know that i'm Generally a happy, bubbly person. I love to admit that i'm accually very optimistic. But, when I get depressed, it hits hard. If you're depressed all the time, I think maybe you might be used to it and know how to handle it. Its a mmixure of me putting things off, and just generally being able to looking for the better side of things that makes it so hard when i'm accually sad. Becuase i dont have anything to look on the bright side of sometimes. Its accually very frighting.
I'm such a whinny bitch. I'm NOT used to it. and I hATE it, its juts not me. I dont whine that much, and i generally dont complain. but I feel like shit. I know I can be better though. Its just when i get sad like that, I dont think, and just cry. Its only untill later that I realize that I didnt really have anything valid to cry about. god, what a bitch.
I know i'll be better tommorw, though...i'll put itn behind me. Tommow, i'll have my mind off of it becuase i'm going out to see a movie with someone that its virtually impossible to be depressed around. I need to get my shit together. Get my life on track somewhere. I know I can do it, I dont want to end up wondering where i fucked it all up. I dont want to give up, as much as i wish it were possible to. I dont want to ebcuase I know that I cant live my life like that.
I'll be fine tommorw. Like I said, someone that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be depressed around :p
Goodnight Guys.
<3amber