goodbye sounds - t - steroline - 1/1
title: isn't it funny how goodbye sounds (just like I love you)
category: vampire diaries
genre: angst/friendship/romance
ship: caroline/stefan
rating: teen/pg-13
word count: 3,171
summary: When Stefan, in a bid for revenge, searches out Caroline to point him toward Enzo, she decides a heart-to-heart is far more necessary. Reconciliation is what she wants, but is it what she gets? (6x03)
dhfreak
isn't it funny how goodbye sounds (just like I love you)
-1/1-
Caroline stared at him, almost uncomprehending of the question. Here they were, in the middle of the woods, and after all that had happened, all they had been through, all that he'd said to her, the only reason he was talking to her now was because he wanted to know where Enzo was. Enzo. Like somehow, in the grand scheme of, well, everything, Enzo mattered at all. She had half a mind to throw him into a tree for thinking that was a valid way to start a conversation with his best friend after four months of no communication. After telling her, to her face, that he was moving on and erasing everything from his life.
"Seriously?!" she demanded.
Stefan sighed, arms crossed over his chest, his vexed expression doing nothing to calm her down. "I don't have time for this, Caroline…"
"You don't have time." She laughed humorlessly. "That's funny, I seem to remember you had four months of time. Maybe if you'd made time earlier, I wouldn't be inconveniencing you now."
He pursed his lips, casting his eyes away. "What do you want from me, Caroline? Huh? What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to talk to me!" she exclaimed. "About Damon, about Bonnie, about why you ran away and just-just forgot everything and everyone! I want to know how you could just stop. How you could just walk away from everything, and without even a word, there was no explanation, no goodbye. You were just gone!"
"I told you. I needed to leave. I needed to start over. What is so difficult to understand about that?"
Caroline tossed her hands out, her head shaking side to side in confusion, her eyes wide and round. "Are you freaking kidding me? What's hard to…? I-Is it just me? Am I in some twilight zone? Am I being Punk'd? Because the last time I checked, I was your best friend! I was who you turned to when things got rough. I was there for you through everything with Elena and Damon. I was there when you felt like you were losing control and you were afraid you were going Ripper again. I was there when you lost your memory and didn't know who you were or what you were doing. And I wanted to be there for you this time too. I wanted to help you through this, because I know it hurts. I-"
"No, you don't."
She reared her head back, offended. "Excuse me?"
"You didn't lose a brother, okay? Yes, you lost Bonnie, and I… I'm sorry about that. But Damon was my brother. For a hundred and sixty-five years. And yeah, we fought and some days we hated each other, but in the end, we were all we ever really had. So no, Caroline, you don't get it."
Pursing her lips, she took a deep breath and nodded. "Fine, you know what, yes, you're right. Maybe me and Bonnie aren't like you and Damon, but don't you dare tell me that I miss her any less than you miss Damon. And don't you dare tell me what I couldn't have been there for you. I would have done anything I could to help you through that, and you're the one who decided to pack up and leave, no word, no letter, no phone call, and then you try and tell me that I should just, what? Huh? I should just understand? Is that it? Is that what you think friendship is?"
He stared at her, his teeth clenched, and then turned his eyes off.
"No! You don't get to shut down and go stoic on me, Stefan Salvatore." She lurched a few steps toward him, waving her finger in his face angrily. "You owe it to me, okay? You…" She deflated suddenly, her shoulders slumping. "You left me. You walked away and I want to know why. I want to know why you didn't think I could help you or why you couldn't just tell me that you needed some time. I want to know why you shut me out and why it was so easy for you to just erase me from your life! Because it wasn't easy for me." She tossed her hands up, letting out a broken, hurt laugh. "I called you, every day. I wrote you emails, I texted, I would've sent up a freaking smoke signal if I thought it would get your attention. So what's different about you?" When he didn't answer, staring down at the forest floor, his brow furrowed, she snapped, reaching over and shoving his chest. "Just tell me why!" she yelled.
Stumbling back, he finally raised his eyes to look at her. "I left because it was two years of pain. Of death and chaos, love and loss, and it was never going to end…" He stared at her searchingly. "The whole time I've been here, I was fighting for something I was never going to have."
Caroline frowned. "Elena-"
"No. It's not- It's not Elena. I… I'm over Elena, okay? I was fighting for normality. I was fighting so hard to be human again. And I failed. Over and over, I failed. And Damon knew I would. He told me to stop trying so hard to be something I wasn't. He wasn't always right, he made a lot of stupid decisions, and he was reckless on his best day, but he knew me. He knew that I was always trying to be someone I wasn't. So now I'm not. Now I am done with caring, because all it has ever done is get me stuck in these same situations, this revolving door of playing hero day in and day out and trying so damn hard to fix everything when it's only going to blow up the next day anyway." He shook his head, staring at her meaningfully. "I'm just tired, Caroline. I'm exhausted. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of caring and losing."
"So you just give up…?" Tears brimmed in her eyes as she shook her head. "You think that's winning? Forfeiting isn't winning. It-It's nothing. You lose everything. You walk away and you leave everybody who matters, everybody you care about, who cares about you, to, what? Pick up your slack?"
He sighed then, crossing his arms over his chest, and tipped his head back, lips pursed. "Nobody said you had to stay."
"No, of course," she said sarcastically. "Why not follow in your footsteps, right? Except not too closely, because you don't want me anywhere near you. You think I should follow your example but not follow you, because that might interrupt your pity-fest."
He shook his head, a muscle ticking in his cheek.
"You know what? I stand by what I said. You're a dick. And it's not because you love your brother, it's not because you miss him, it's not even because you ran away. Because I get it. You have given more than any of us, you have spent your whole life trying to talk Damon off the edge, to show him that he's better than even he knows he is. You have sacrificed yourself, over and over again for him and Elena and anybody you ever met. You were selfless and you cared and I get that it hurts when the reward is nowhere near worth the pain. I get how hard it is to put yourself second or third or last so that everybody else can be happy or alive or whatever." She scrubbed a tear from her cheek angrily. "None of that makes you a dick, Stefan. It makes you exactly what you always were and what you could never see. Human. So you can shut it off for all I care. Shut off everything about you that you think is so hard to live with. Shut it off and bury it deep down inside you, and I won't blame you, I promise. You can run as far away as you can get and I will never track you down or call you or plead with you to come back here and help clean up the next mess or put Elena back together or anything. You're free. I relieve you of best friend duty. I relieve you of being Mystic Falls' resident vampire martyr. Go, and grieve, and not care." She swallowed thickly. "But in a year, or two, or twenty, when you think you want to look me up, remember this, and only this… I never asked you to carry that burden on your own. I offered to carry it with you. I offered to carry your half if you needed me to. I offered to be with you every step of the way. You walked away. So congratulations, you wanted the bridge burned, it's burned." Turning on her heel, she stomped her way toward the tree line.
"I listened to your messages."
Her feet skittered to a stop.
"The first few, anyway. Back when you were excited, and hopeful, and I was still looking for a way to bring Bonnie and Damon back."
She turned her head slowly, peering at him over her shoulder, her body still tensed with anger.
He stood with his chin tilted up, feet braced apart and his thumbs hooked in the pockets of his jeans. "They kept me going, so I saved them. I'd listen to them when I started second-guessing myself… when it seemed like every lead I followed went nowhere." He licked his lips and shook his head. "That Caroline Forbes enthusiasm, it can go a long way in keeping someone's head above water."
She frowned, turning to face him properly. "Not enough, apparently," she muttered.
He let out a faint, humorless laugh. "No, more than enough, actually…"
"I don't get it then."
He swallowed tightly and dropped his chin, staring at the forest floor a long moment. "Lexi said something to me, and I never really got what she meant. Well, I got it, I just… didn't want to think about it too hard, She said the reason I stayed in Mystic Falls, even when I had nothing, when everything was falling apart, when I knew I should leave… I stayed for you." He stared at her then, his face stiff and serious. "And I didn't… I didn't know what she meant, but… She could be relentless, and I can be oblivious, apparently." He shook his head. "The point is, I stayed here for you, even when I knew I shouldn't have, even when it would've been smarter and safer and better for me if I'd left. Doesn't matter where, really, just… away from here. So I did. After Damon, it just made sense. Chasing down leads was going nowhere, we can't get back into Mystic Falls, it was the perfect time to start over…
"The only problem was you. You were still calling and you were still so sure that you could change it, and the thing is, Caroline… You will always be able to convince me to keep going. It's who you are. You're a fixer. You… You try so hard to make everything right for everyone. And don't… don't get me wrong. I love that about you. I… I admire that about you. But I needed to let go. I needed to walk away. And I was never going to do that if I was still holding onto you… So I stopped. I stopped listening to your messages and I stopped letting your trademark optimism convince me that everything I knew was over wasn't really over…" He walked toward her slowly, his eyes on hers. "I didn't want to leave you… I had to. Because you are never going to stop trying. You will spend your whole life trying to get back into that caustic town. You'll chase down every lead, you'll call on every element, you'll turn the world inside out trying to get them back. And I can't do that with you." He reached up then, cupping her face, swiping away the tears that spilled over. "There's only two ways this turns out, either I bring you down until you lose everything about you that makes you you, or I walk away and give us both a chance to survive this."
She shook her head, her mouth trembling. "I could bring you up. You know I could. I can get them back. I-" She closed her eyes, a sob tearing at her throat. "I know I'm proving your point, because I'm a control freak and I won't give up on them or getting our home back. But damn it, Stefan, I can't lose you too." Her shoulders shook with her crying.
When he pulled her in, she was helpless to it, letting herself lean on him, her face against his chest and his buried atop her hair. She cried harder, gripping the front of his jacket, squeezing her eyes shut as he stroked her hair and wrapped an arm around her. Because it wasn't just comfort, it wasn't just holding her up because she was falling apart. It was goodbye. It was always going to be goodbye. He'd said his peace. He'd explained himself. He'd vented everything going on. And the worst part was, she wasn't even sure she blamed him. Yes, she was angry and yes, she was hurt. But he was right, in his own way. Mystic Falls was toxic in a lot of ways, and the pain and death and uncertainty was just waiting around every single corner. It was tiring and it could suck the joy out of her on her best day. But she persevered, because that was all she had. She had to be the sunny optimism on the cloudiest day. It was who she was and she wouldn't apologize for that. As much as he needed to leave, she needed to stay. She needed to balance out Elena and Jeremy and everybody else going through the destructive nature that was Mystic Falls and all who passed through it. Maybe that was her calling. Maybe she was always meant to be there, maybe, in some weird way, Stefan had helped groom her into that with his friendship and his encouragement and his endless belief in her. She was the balance for all of his brooding angst, why couldn't she be the balance for the town's doom and gloom? It was an awful calling, for sure, but… If anybody could do it, it'd be her.
So that was that. He needed to leave and she needed to stay and they… they needed to let each other go. Or, more aptly, she needed to let him go, because he had already walked away from her. This, all of this, was just tying up loose ends after he'd been found out. In fact, if Enzo hadn't gone completely psycho and killed Ivy, she was sure Stefan never would have come. And that hurt. God, it really burned. But... it would hurt more to force him to stay when he didn't want to. She'd had her fair share of people leave her behind or overlook her. She'd never thought he'd be one of them, of everyone, she thought he would be the last one still by her side in the end. But if Caroline made it through all the rest, she would make it through this too.
So she let him go, she stepped out of his arms, she pulled his hand from her hair, and she raised her chin up high. She wiped her tears and she gave him a wide, if completely empty, smile, all the while memorizing every inch of his face. "Because I know you, and because I love you, I want you to know… that you're forgiven. You're absolved from guilt." She smiled, offering a faint, joyless laugh. "So you can go, and you have one less person to add to your 'people I've wronged' list. Consider it a farewell gift." Smile finally dimming, she murmured, "No hard feelings." And before she could cry, or change her mind, or beg him to change his, she gave him one last smile, ignoring the way her chin quivered, and then she turned around and she walked away, one hand braced on her stomach as she willed herself not to break down where he could still hear her.
She was quickly making her way back to the noise of the party, inhaling shaky breaths as she went, when she heard his voice like a whisper against her ear, distant enough that she knew he was still far behind her, but completely clear due to her sensitive hearing. "Caroline…" She came to a stop and closed her eyes, tears falling without pause. "I love you too." She nodded, despite knowing he couldn't see her, and in a choked whisper, replied, "I know."
She sped away from the forest, passing partiers and friends alike. She found her car and hurriedly climbed in, jamming the key into place and turning the ignition. She pulled out and away, her vision blurred and her heart cracked open, spilling a bevy of emotional chaos all over. The drive home was spent singing along with the radio and desperately trying to control her breathing in an effort to stop crying.
It was over. It was all over. And in some way, she was almost relieved. There was no more wondering, no more uncertainty, no more hoping he would show up one day out of the blue with some grand explanation or excuse. Stefan was gone. He needed to be gone and so he was. And she… She would survive. Like she always had and always would. When she reached her apartment, she rested her forehead against her steering wheel and took a deep breath, wiping at her nose and staunching her tears.
"When I get out of this car, I will be in control. I will be okay. I will- I'll move on." She nodded, leaning back, her hands squeezing tightly around the steering wheel. "I can do this. I can do all of this. If I have to do it alone, then so be it. I never needed anybody to help before and I don't need anybody now." Gritting her teeth, she announced, "I'm strong. I'm smart and capable and… and I can do this." Taking a deep breath, she reached for the handle on the door. "You can do this," she whispered to herself. Grabbing her purse and her keys, she finally pushed the door open and stepped out of her car.
Wiping away her tears, she held her head up as she walked toward her apartment building. It wasn't home, but it would do for now. It would take time and energy and a whole lot of stubborn ambition, but she was going to get her home back, and her friends, and nothing, not even a broken heart, was going to stop her.
[end.]
author's note: so this is based on a general screen cap for tomorrow's episode where caroline and stefan are in the middle of the woods and seemingly having a very emotional conversation. obviously i don't want it to actually end like this, as i do want them to reconcile and get together, but i felt like writing something angsty and exploring stefan's reasons for not calling and not letting caroline help him through what was happening. so, there you have it, i hope you enjoyed it!
lastly, for anyone interested, i will be putting up my first bamon fic soon! so keep an eye out! ;)
thanks so much for reading, please leave a review! they're my lifeblood!
- Lee | Fina