but i'm gonna try - nc-17 - steroline - oneshot [1/2]
Title: You've built your wall so high that no one could climb it (But I'm gonna try)
Category: The Vampire Diaries
Genre: Romance/Drama
Ship: Stefan/Caroline
Rating: NC-17/Explicit
Word Count: 8,690
Summary: "I don't want to wake up twenty, fifty, a hundred years from now, reaching across an empty bed, wishing you were there, because I was too much of a coward to fight for what I want…"
You've built your wall so high that no one could climb it (But I'm gonna try)
1/1
So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Til it was near morning
"We're not having this conversation..."
He sighed, frowning at her, and tugged the sleeves of his shirts up his arms in a sign that he was about to get stubborn.
Caroline ignored him, standing from her seat and making her way over to where the collection of liquor bottles were always at the ready. Salvation! She unscrewed one and poured herself another glass.
"So when are we going to talk about it?"
She shook her head shortly. "There's nothing to talk about." She cast a grin over her shoulder at him, dismissive and bright, untouched by the subject. "It happened, it's over, and that's that."
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "That's that?" He shook his head. "We don't bring it up again?"
"What's wrong with a little healthy suppression, huh?" Her brows hiked. "I think psychology got it wrong. Sometimes you just need to completely forget something."
His lips pursed. "It's that easy for you?"
"We were drunk." She laughed shortly and turned her eyes back to her glass. She forced herself to sound nonchalant as she added, "I don't see what the big deal is. I barely remember that night."
He was behind her in a second, the words barely out of her mouth before his fingers were on her hips, squeezing. She blamed it on the fire when she felt heat roll under her skin; it couldn't be the way he pressed against her, his body flat, hard, and warm. One of his hands slid around to press against her stomach, fingers splayed, while the other reached up to brush her hair to one side, revealing her neck to him. She could feel his breath play over her skin, tickling the tiny hairs at the nape of her neck.
"You weren't that drunk, Caroline... You have to remember some of it."
"No." Her eyes fell. "None of it. It's a blur, forgettable, it was-"
His lips pressed against the crook of her neck, warm and smooth. He kissed a path, up up up, and lightly bit her earlobe before ducking his head once more. "You don't remember me doing this?" His fingers found the sleeve of her shirt and pulled it down and out of the way, revealing the rest of her shoulder for him to nuzzle. He licked and nibbled and kissed his way across her bare skin, his teeth toying with her bra strap.
"I don't. I-" Her breath caught as his other hand slid under her shirt, the tips of his fingers skating over her stomach and delving beneath the waist of her jeans, tracing the top of her underwear teasingly.
Part of her wanted to run, wanted to step out of his embrace and tell him she was completely unmoved by it, he wasn't affecting her at all. Another part just wanted to lean back against him, encourage his hand further into her jeans, and succumb. But then she remembered where she was, she remembered who it was that was touching her, and she knew that couldn't happen. It shouldn't have happened the first time. And yes, fine, she remembered every single second of it. It would be a lot easier if she couldn't, but she did, and she knew that what happened that night couldn't happen again. Because sex was one thing, sex was a release, it didn't always include emotions or feelings, but what they'd been doing, what he was doing right now, that was a prequel to making love, and they weren't allowed to do that. That wasn't part of who they were to each other. That was a chapter of their book that was not supposed to be written.
Which was why she'd spent the last three weeks trying to pretend like everything was fine, it was normal, they were totally okay. No weirdness, no talking about it, no in-depth analysis of what it meant. It was just swept under the carpet, filed under 'Whoops' and forgotten. Only he wasn't forgetting, he wasn't following her lead, and he definitely wasn't willing to let it just be a one-off.
Caroline would have chalked that up to her prowess in the bedroom and given herself a pat on the back except that his not going along provided a very big problem. He was stubborn and he seemed to be dead-set on proving her wrong about what had happened, what would happen, and where they were going.
She knew where it would head if she explored things. Heartbreak central, population: her. As per usual. And this was one friendship she wasn't going to ruin by getting herself get too 'Caroline' about it. She fell in love fast and hard and if she honestly let herself think too deeply about her feelings for him, she already knew they were perilously close to falling into the category of 'madly in love', so she was doing all the backpedaling she could to keep herself from falling any further.
Of course, having his fingers slide into her underwear while his other easily unsnapped her bra wasn't helping things.
She moved forward, hit the liquor table, cursed, and then sped out of reach. She had to catch her bra as it came loose and reach behind her to do it back up as she glared at him from the other side of the room.
Sighing, he put his hands on his hips and turned to face her, his head cocked. When he went to step forward, she wagged a finger. "No! You stay over there! Where I can keep an eye on you."
His lips twitched with amusement. "Caroline, this is getting ridiculous. Can we just talk about it?"
"That- That was not talking," she reminded, pointing to where she had been standing. "That was fondling and- and distracting."
He licked his lips, hiding his grin.
"It's not funny!"
He shook his head. "You're right. I'm sorry." He held his hands up in surrender and apology. "I'll keep them to myself. I just want to talk."
She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, okay," she muttered sarcastically.
"Seriously." He stepped back and made his way back over to the couch, taking a seat in the corner. He raised his eyebrows and nodded toward the armchair beseechingly.
She chewed her lip uncertainly but finally moved over to take it. "I propose we don't talk about it," she told him when she sat down. "Any of it. We just... move on."
"Why are you so reluctant to try this?" he wondered, sitting forward, trying to catch her eyes as she cast them away, pointedly staring at the fire.
"Because!" she cried. "All I see is everything that's going to go wrong, everybody who will be hurt, and yes, okay, maybe it feels good in the moment, but long term...?" She shook her head. "We are going to be alive a long time and frankly, I'd rather have my best friend there than another ex-boyfriend added to my already long list of screw-ups."
"How do you know any of that will happen? How do you know it'll go wrong or we'll break up? What if we aren't something you'll regret?"
She swallowed tightly and turned to look at him, her face drawn. "What did you say to me, at that party back when we first met?"
His jaw ticked and he sat back, shaking his head. "That was a long time ago."
"You said 'you and me, it's never going to happen.'"
"We were different people. The situation was different. We didn't know each other yet, not the way we do now," he argued, his voice clearly frustrated.
"You were here for Elena, you fell in love with Elena..." She stared at him searchingly. "The person you want, what you're looking for, that's not me."
"I know what I want." He met her eyes seriously. "Look, Elena and I are... We're over. She's with Damon. She's happy with him, and I... I moved on. I let go."
She laughed shortly, dismissively, and turned her eyes up.
"Caroline, you've been with me, beside me, for how many years now?"
She shrugged. "I don't know... Eight."
"And Elena and I have been over for five of those."
"And she can still get your attention with a snap of her fingers!"
He licked his lips. "She's my friend. I care about her. I want her to be okay. I won't leave her to get hurt just because we broke up."
"She will always come first in your life, and I'm sorry, but I've spent too much of my life coming second." She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, and rubbed her hands over her face quickly. "I love Elena, she's one of my best friends, but I won't do it anymore."
"You wouldn't be second."
"Stefan, just stop." Suddenly feeling exhausted, she looked at him, her shoulders slumped. "Stop."
He ground his teeth and dropped his eyes to stare at the floor.
"You're my friend, my best friend," she told him. "But if I let myself, I'll fall in love with you..." Her lips trembled as her voice rose in pitch with her emotions. "And then I'll have no one to pick me up and put me back together after."
He closed his eyes.
She stood from her chair, deciding she'd had enough of talking for one night. She moved to leave, pausing only when he called her name.
"What if I'm already there? What if I've been there for a while?"
She stared at the back of his head, a tear dribbling down her cheek. She thought of Elena, of the way Stefan looked at her, at how hard he had tried to get her to realize it was him, he was who she really wanted. Even after the sire bond was broken, after she was sure that her feelings for Damon were real, were stronger than what she felt for Stefan. He still hoped, for so long, that she would realize he was better for her. Five years they'd been over, but Caroline was still just as sure that Stefan Salvatore would always love Elena Gilbert, and she refused to be the idiot who thought she could shift his feelings to her.
"You haven't," she told him. "And you won't."
Without waiting for a reply, she left, hurrying up the round driveway of the boarding house, hugging her arms around her as her tears fell freely. She could have used her vampire speed; it would have taken her mere seconds to be back home, curled in her bed, crying in a pillow. But the cool air felt good, it made her tears freeze and dry faster. It made the outside feel as empty as the inside. And maybe, even if she'd never admit it, a part of her hoped he would come after her and change her mind.
The farther down the street she walked, the more she felt an empty ache in her chest. What would happen now? Would he stop pushing? Would he let their friendship go back to what it was? Would he forget all about their one night together? Chalk it up to a drunken mistake like she'd pleaded with him to do.
As much as she'd pushed for just that, she wasn't sure she wanted it. What if he did forget? What if, tomorrow, he acted like they were okay? Like nothing had happened, nothing had changed; they were just Stefan and Caroline again. Best friends until the end of time, or at least until one of them was staked. That would be better though, wouldn't it? Because she'd have him. Not in the way she wanted, not in the way she craved, but to have him at all was what mattered. She couldn't be the girl on the sidelines again. She'd come too far, done too much, pulled herself up out of the depths of second-best and told herself she'd never go back. So she wouldn't. Not for Stefan, not for any man. Caroline deserved the best; she wouldn't settle for anything less.
As she walked down the road, she let her eyes fall closed. She let the cool air meet her damp cheeks, shivering when the wet streaks of her tears made her skin cold. She'd been warm for a while. Not like a fresh cup of coffee kept her body at normal human temperatures warm, but she'd felt fire sing in her blood. She missed that. She missed what it felt like to have him, even for one night. It would have to be enough.
The memory flooded her, wrapping around her like a well-loved quilt, and she let it. All she would have was her memory from here on out; she might as well enjoy it.
Caroline was drunk, and dancing. It mostly consisted of jumping, her arms above her head, and shaking her hips. She was off-beat, she knew but didn't care. She felt good. Great, even. Another successful ending to a shitty week. They were alive! Everybody who mattered to her was alive. And wasn't that kind of depressing? That the highlight of each day was only that they managed to survive. Maybe. But it had been so long since she could call her life normal that it didn't hit her as hard as it could have.
Stefan was laughing. At her, with her, somewhere in between. He was drunk too, but he hid it better than her. Tonight, he was in a good mood. In fact, he had been for months now. His usual brooding wasn't an all-encompassing dark cloud that followed him. He was more lighthearted than she'd seen him in years. It had nothing to do with the whack job werewolf they'd put down. Actually, she didn't know what brought on this happier Stefan, but she was glad for it.
It meant their drinking party wasn't going to turn into a pity fest. And, okay, so their 'party' really only consisted of the two of them, but she wasn't really complaining. Bonnie was finally getting a little TLC thanks to her hot, hot witchy boyfriend, and Damon had taken Elena out on the town. So Caroline and Stefan had gone back to the boarding house to celebrate their win with a few bottles of Damon's finest.
"Hey!" Caroline turned abruptly to face him. "We missed the movie! They were playing Taxi Driver tonight." She stuck her lip out in a pout. "Stupid werewolves."
He grinned at her, ducking his head as he chuckled under his breath. "It's a classic, I'm sure they'll play it again."
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but it was going to be a 'thing'!" She dragged her feet as she walked over to sit on the couch beside him, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. "Is it just me or does it seem like every time something good is happening, we have to deal with the next supernatural villain out to maim and murder?"
He raised his glass in cheers to her declaration.
Caroline stole it and took a long sip. "Mm." She handed it back and sat upright. "We should have a sleepover!"
He blinked over at her. "You spend five nights out of the week here already. I don't think calling it a sleepover changes anything."
Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. "Come on, Stefan! Bonnie and Elena are out with their boyfriends. I want to do something fun."
"You seemed to be having a lot of fun dancing a minute ago."
"I almost fell in the fire twice," she admitted.
He bit his lip so he wouldn't laugh at her.
"Shut up!" she said, slapping his shoulder even as she laughed at herself.
"Okay, okay." He held his hand up in surrender. "What do you want to do on this sleepover?"
She tipped her head thoughtfully before brightening and telling him, "Junk food and movies and more alcohol."
"I think you've had enough alcohol."
She scoffed and stole his drink again, standing from the couch. "I'm not as drunk as you think I am. I'm just... happy."
He stared at her, not quite convinced.
"Really!" She nodded at him. "Don't you feel happy? One more bad guy gone and Mystic Falls is safe again... for a little while anyway."
"I'm not sure if that's encouraging or not..." His brow furrowed thoughtfully.
"No!" She hurried toward him, her finger waving in his face. "None of that!"
He smiled, staring up at her, his brow cocked.
"No broody Stefan. No 'what is life' and 'why do bad things keep happening?'" She shook her head. "This is a happy time and we are going to be happy people... vampires... whatever."
"I am happy," he assured.
Her eyes narrowed skeptically.
Chuckling quietly, he reached for her hand, fingers curling around her wrist, and tugged on her.
Already off balance, Caroline abruptly fell forward and, with a little maneuvering on his part, found herself in his lap. She giggled, her head falling back.
He watched her, smiling to himself.
When she raised her head, she stared at him a long moment. "You look happy," she admitted.
Reaching up, he brushed her hair off her cheek. "I'm with you."
"I am great company..." she joked.
His fingers followed the slope of her neck and Caroline sobered, swallowing tightly as he stroked down to her collarbones. She looked down, her eyes searching his face, but he was staring at the progress his fingers were making. She felt his other hand flex on her hip, his thumb rubbing circles over her side.
She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry.
Stefan was handsome; she'd recognized that the moment she set eyes on him. It was something she'd had to make a conscious effort to distance herself from during their friendship. It was okay to recognize that a friend was good looking, but spending too much time thinking of the lines of his jaw was probably a bad idea. Here, now, however, it was hard not to take in the arch of his cheeks, the length of his eyelashes, the curl of his lips...
This was a dangerous path, she knew. Because once upon a time, Stefan had been her ideal man. In fact, if she thought about it, he still was. But they were friends, best friends, and he... He would always be in love with Elena. So she couldn't let herself become attached. She couldn't-
His lips were on her shoulder.
He'd dragged the sleeve of her shirt down and pressed a kiss to her bare skin. And he kept kissing, bringing her closer until she was leaned against his chest, while his lips made a path up her neck. He paused behind her ear and nuzzled the shell.
Caroline closed her eyes, a tiny breath leaving her as she reached for him, gripping the front of his shirt.
His fingers found her chin, tipped it down, and turned her to face him. She could feel his breath on her lips, warm and even. And her resolve cracked; the foundation of an argument to stay platonic became unsteady.
She opened her eyes slowly and stared into warm green eyes. He met her gaze intensely, his fingers gently tracing the curve of her cheek.
"This is a bad idea," she murmured, even as her eyes fell to his lips.
"Mm-mm." He shook his head faintly. "I think it's one of our best."
She wanted to laugh, to smile, but all she could focus on was the heat stirring inside her, the desire and want, the flood of feelings that were pushing against a damn she'd erected years ago. "Stefan-"
[Continue.]