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CHAPTER FIVE; Take away the freedoms I wanted, I understand
Abby sat next to Tony as he lay in the hospital bed trying not itch at the healing welt marks, trying not to even move since every breath sent a stab of pain though his body. Even Abby holding his hand wasn't pain free, but he wouldn't sacrifice the gesture for all the pain in the world.
“Are you sure you don't want Gibbs to be here?” Abby asked for the tenth time, worry evident in her voice.
“No Gibbs!” Tony said, his own tone slightly more shrill and panicky than he'd ever admit to.
“Tony! Gibbs loves you. He rescued you, and now all he wants is to see that you're okay,” she told him softly. Tony had heard the story about how Nick and Gibbs, the unlikely duo that they made, had figured out what had happened to him and barged into Jason's house with guns and a horde of policemen who had arrested Jason on the charge of kidnapping and assaulting a federal agent. By that point he'd been unconscious. Luckily, since Jason had continued to tenderise his body even while he was unresponsive. That guy had been loco.
Tony shook his head and ignored the pain. “No. I can't,” he whispered, choked up and avoiding eye contact.
“Why not?” Abby demanded, frustrated with the refusals.
“Because I'm not okay, Abby,” he confessed, blinking away tears that were obviously just from the physical pain and had nothing to do with the way his heart was thudding in his chest and his stomach cramped uncomfortably with emotional turmoil. Obviously.
“Oh, Tony. Gibbs can help with that,” she said.
“I don't want him to see me like this. Like the worthless whore I am. I let people hurt me and touch me and that's what got me into this situation. If I had just been loyal and waited for him to come back then none of this would ever have happened. I don't deserve his care,” Tony said into the pillow.
Abby was silent for a while and they lay there hand in hand just listening to the raw breathing of Tony and the sound of hospital machines in the distance. Finally Abby spoke and it was nothing like what he had thought she would say. “I'll tell you a secret, Tony. Even I had my doubts about Gibbs coming back... so it's okay that you did too. He hurt you, and he didn't mean to but it happened all the same and he has to make an effort to make you know he never stopped loving you and that he'll never leave you again. So you both screwed up, but maybe you could forgive yourself enough so that Gibbs can let you know how much he doesn't think you're a whore or disloyal?” She suggested gently.
It was Tony's time to enforce the silence, but even he broke it eventually. “Maybe. Not today though.”
~NCIS~
“It's been a week,” Gibbs said angrily. All he wanted to do was see Tony for himself and let him know how scared he'd been and that he was glad he was back. He was thinking that a 'don't do it again' and a slap to the head followed by a kiss would do the trick. However every time he'd mentioned going to see Tony, Abby or Tim or Ducky or Ziva had stopped him. He was one more day away from firing them all and barging into Tony's apartment uninvited and just showing Tony how much he cared.
“You know why he isn't ready,” Abby reminded him. She'd told him about the negative emotions that Tony had expressed in the hospital. Gibbs had agreed to give Tony time but now he was starting to think that was the problem. He remembered a few weeks ago that Tony had told him that waiting for Tony himself to think he was worthy was like waiting for snow in Hawaii.
“Abs, he's never going to be ready. I have a way to let him know how wrong he is, okay? Just get him to my place tonight. Make up some excuse about paperwork or something. Please?” He asked, aware of how out-of-character he was behaving.
He must have had Abby worried because she agreed without any more arguments, and Gibbs started on the preparations. He had one shot at not losing Tony completely, and there was no way he would screw it up.
~NCIS~
Tony was more than a little suspicious of Abby when she said she needed him to go to Gibbs' and pick something up for her, but she assured him that the boss-man wouldn't be there and he really couldn't deny Abby anything. He drove up and when he saw that Gibbs' car wasn't there he breathed a sigh that was half relief, half disappointment. He hadn't lied when he said he hadn't wanted to see Gibbs, but it didn't make it any easier to be apart from him. He just had to let go, let Gibbs find someone else, someone worthy, and then he could focus on just being Gibbs' second in command. Like before, all those years ago when he had first been hired. Before everything had gone to Hell like it always did.
Tony entered the house and found it unsurprisingly empty. He was so familiar with the place that he left the lights off as he made his way down to the basement, only then flicking on the light. There, he was greeted with a shocking sight. A BDSM custom made leather collar was sitting on Gibbs' work bench, and Gibbs was stood just behind it watching Tony come down the staircase.
Tony stared at the collar with an expression of awe and shock. It took the feeling of his lungs burning for him to realise he had stopped breathing, and then with a shuddering great breath he felt like he was falling forward despite the fact he wasn't moving, and he knew he wasn't moving because he hadn't disappointed Jethro by breaking position. Tony raised his beautiful green eyes, damp with emotion and wide with surprise, to look at his Dom. “Why now?”
“Because this is the final step. There will be no second guessing our commitment to each other after I put this around your neck. For me a collar is more permanent than a wedding band, because it denotes a level of trust unparalleled in most marriages. Do you understand what I'm telling you, Tony?” Gibbs asked.
“That you trust me not to screw up again?” Tony said with humour.
“Not only that. Do you trust me not to leave again?” Gibbs asked.
Tony took a second to think about that. His instinct was to say yes, but that was what he would have said before Mexico as well. Having experienced the unavoidable abandonment of Gibbs he knew that they would both feel better about whatever he said next if he put some thought into the answer. After a few seconds, seconds that seemed to drag on like hours for Gibbs who was watching the face of his Sub with the wary acceptance of a man who knew that his whole relationship rested on this moment, Tony was surprised that he still would say yes. Yes, of course he trusted Gibbs, the man was his world, the person who always came back even when circumstances turned against him. Gibbs had trusted Tony when he had had no good reason to, and even now trusted him when he knew Tony had betrayed the rules of their relationship even if he had never meant to. Gibbs had picked up the broken pieces of Tony's soul and rebuilt it from nothing
“I'll always trust you,” Tony said. “I'll always love you, I'm ready,” he added, and now he knew it was true. He knew that all those fears and insecurities he'd had were his alone, that Gibbs never thought Tony was a whore or worthless, because Gibbs would never offer a collar to someone he thought of that way. This was it, the moment when he found his home, his Dom, and finally accepted that his own Submission was a gift, one worthy of belonging to Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
“So am I,” Gibbs admitted, and Tony was reminded once again that despite popular misconceptions, being a Dom was just as much about trust, faith, and bearing your soul to another person as being a Sub was. As much as it had been a journey of self discovery and healing for Tony, the same could be said of Gibbs. They would continue to make the journey together, only becoming stronger. Tony was sure of it.
He smiled as Gibbs slid the collar into place around his neck. It was a black circlet of the softest leather Tony had ever felt, lined with silk and adorned with a silver D ring. More importantly than that was the silver plate upon which was an engraving. It read 'in us I trust', and Tony knew it wasn't just a mantra that he was expected to repeat, it was a promise to Gibbs, and it was Gibbs' vow to Tony.
Gibbs finished with the simple fastening and Tony leaned into his warm calloused palm, smiling softly as Gibbs' thumb stroked along his jawline and caressed his bottom lip. Tony opened his mouth automatically and his Dom slipped the digit inside, allowing Tony to lick at it playfully.
“I'll always love you, too, Tony. My Tony,” Gibbs said, and Tony knew it was true.
THE END