BDSM big bang 2012 (NCIS entry)
For more information see master post
CHAPTER THREE; If the truth's the worst I could do, then I guess that I have lied
“Maybe I should try being with Gibbs without the D/s dynamics. Just do normal things, like work on his boat and argue about what movie to watch and eat steaks and have make up sex. Vanilla make up sex,” Tony mused as he picked up his fifth slice of pizza. He and Abby had arranged a night in with pizzas and some classic movies from Tony's collection for entertainment. It was soothing to do something so mundane and he couldn't think of a better way to spend the night. Well, that might be a lie but his 'better' way would probably end in frustration and angst, so until his head was on straight this was the best thing for him.
Abby frowned at him. “I don't think denying that part of you is healthy, Tony, that'd be like one step forward and a zillion steps backwards. Being a submissive is normal to you, and even when you were denying it it was still a part of you, especially a part of your relationship with Gibbs.”
“And you think that's a good thing?” He asked.
“Yes! Gibbs has always loved you for being exactly who you are, the class clown, the protective big brother figure, the dorky best friend, and the submissive to his dominant. You're his second, his... just his!” Abby argued passionately.
“I don't think he feels that way, Abs,” Tony told her mournfully. Abby painted a wonderful picture, one of acceptance and unconditional love. Those things weren't real. Never had been.
“Of course he does. The problem is, you don't think that way about yourself,” Abby told him.
“You know it all, huh Abs,” he said, and flicked a piece of peperoni at the wise Goth, but deep down he didn't believe her. Abby had the tendency to believe the best in people, and no one more than Gibbs. She was strangely naïve and innocent for a Goth and a forensic criminologist. She let the subject drop after that and they enjoyed a night in, but her comments stayed with Tony the whole time. By the end of the night he had decided it was time to stop running. He was going to make it back to Gibbs.
~NCIS~
Tony and Gibbs met on neutral ground in a bar not too far from the St. Andrews Cross. This place neither participated or encouraged the BDSM scene and therefore allowed them distance enough to keep their perspectives. Tony had spent so much time and energy being angry and hurt that it was clouding his every judgement and decision. It was time to accept that Gibbs was back in his life and that even if they weren't together at the moment they still had to work together. Clearing the air seemed like the best thing for both of them, even if it meant facing up to things that Tony would rather forget. Which was ironic, considering that Gibbs' inability to remember their relationship was what brought them to this place.
For long time they sat in stilted silence, nursing non-alcoholic drinks and each one of them waiting for the other to start the conversation. Tony had been the one to initiate the meeting so as far as he was concerned the ball was in Gibbs' court. Gibbs, however, thought differently. Tony had been the one to request this meeting so shouldn't he be the one to start? However it looked like it was up to Gibbs to bring up the painful topic of their relationship.
He sighed heavily and opened with, “when are you going to stop being angry at me for not remembering Tony? When are you going to stop playing the victim in all this?”
“I'm not a victim,” Tony argued, offended by the terminology and immediately put on the defensive.
“You're right, you aren't. I forgot because of injury, it wasn't on purpose and despite what you think it isn't a subliminal message telling you that I don't love you or value you. So man up, DiNozzo, I know that somewhere deep inside of you is someone who is my partner, in every sense of the word. Where is he?”
“He's waiting for you to love him again,” Tony whispered, hating himself for saying those words out loud and exposing his vulnerable side.
“Bull. I never stopped loving you Tony. I just didn't remember how I recovered from the loss of Shannon and Kelly and met and moved in with you. Besides, no partner of mine waits to be told to step up. They use their gut and make the move. You my partner, Tony?” Gibbs asked.
Tony felt all confused. He'd been throwing pity party.
“I'm your partner. But I don't know if I can be your sub,” he admitted. And if he couldn't be Gibbs' sub, then he might as well not be anything.
“Oh, Tony,” Gibbs said quietly, his tone was surprisingly filled with warmth and affection and something that Tony thought might be relief. “You don't know how to be anything else.”
“It's not like riding a bike,” Tony said, slightly offended by the remark. He'd been struggling with his submissive inclinations for years before he'd ever even met Gibbs, not wanting to let his submissive tendencies take over while on the job or with regular people, ones who didn't understand the scene and who would only see a freak if they knew. The reverse was true as well, but that had come after he had freed himself from his abusive relationship with his ex. He'd experienced what it was like to be in a relationship where the concept of trust was a distant memory and every move he'd made and thing he said had been dictated by his Domme. Unhealthy didn't even begin to describe it, but the thing was Tony was honest enough to admit that it had been just as much his own fault as Rebecca's. Gibbs spent the time since they began their relationship trying to help him heal and learn about true submission, where he wasn't just submitting because that was that someone else expected or needed from him, where he wanted to, to such a degree that his own pleasure was secondary. It made every aspect of their relationship so much more intense.
“No, it's like learning to draw when you have a natural talent. I'm not worried about your ability to submit, Tony, we've fought that battle. I'm worried that you don't trust me because I left, and that you're holding on to your anger in an unhealthy way,” Gibbs said.
“I don't know what you mean,” Tony denied.
“How many times have you been to the St. Andrews Cross while I've been absent? How many people have you allowed to touch you, hurt you, since I moved away?” Gibbs asked, his tone hard as he demanded the right to know all of DiNozzo's secrets, all of his mistakes.
“I never had sex with them,” Tony said defensively, remembering how vehement Gibbs had been that Tony allow no-one except Gibbs to touch him intimately, excepting doctors of course.
“Which means you allowed them far for personal intimacies... you know how I feel about that,” growled his Dom, because who was he kidding, Gibbs would always be and had always been his Dom.
Shame washed over Tony. This conversation had taken a dramatic twist, now Tony was the one with the guilt he wished to be assuaged of and Gibbs was the hurt party who had every right to revenge. Or did he, did he really have every right? He had left Tony and Tony had assumed he would never come back. So Tony had gotten what he needed from others. Who was in the wrong?
They both were. Or maybe neither of them.
All that mattered was that both of them hurt.
How could words ever fix that?
“Could you ever forgive me?” Tony whispered, unable to look in Gibbs' eyes.
“Tony, could you ever forgive yourself? Can you ever trust anyone? These are questions you need to figure out the answers too before we can discuss our future, if we have one as a couple,” Gibbs pointed out sadly.
Tony nodded, staring into the glass in front of him. Next to him he heard Gibbs' phone buzz and his boss sighed. “It's Ducky, I have to go. Do you need a lift anywhere?”
“No, I'll be fine,” Tony assured him, and even though Gibbs looked unhappy about leaving Tony there alone, he had to go and he knew he couldn't force Tony to let him look after him. It was Tony's choice. “See you tomorrow, boss?”
“Give it a few days, DiNozzo. I want you back on the team with a hundred percent focus and you can't do that until you've figured things out,” Gibbs said, and with a gentle kiss on Tony's head eh was gone.
As soon as Gibbs had left Tony ordered a stiff drink, the kind his dad used to make him pour at two in the afternoon. The amber liquid burned as it slid down his throat, warming him all over. He ordered one more, tossed it back, and then resolved to go outside and order a taxi back to his lonely apartment before he started replacing brandy with affection. Normally when he was feeling like this he'd go to either Gibbs or the club. Since Gibbs had made it clear that Tony needed some alone time both were out, even if he only went to the club to visit Nick, which was what he really wanted to do. Changing his mind he dialled his friend's number, and after a few rings Nick picked up.
“Nicky, it's me,” he said.
“Tonio, what's wrong?” Nick immediately asked.
“Hey, can't a guy call just to talk?” Tony said.
“Is it Gibbs?” His friend guessed perceptively.
“Wow, I'm that transparent, huh? We... we finally spoke. Properly, I mean. He gave me some time to think, but I need to talk to someone. Can we meet?” He asked hopefully.
“I'm working, but I'm free on Friday night. Come to the club, I'll have Lorna buzz you up to the apartment,” Nick told him.
“Sure. Thanks. I'll see you then,” Tony said, and disconnected the call. Nick had been the first person he called because of their past. Nick, owner of the St. Andrews Cross, was a Dominant who had been friends with both Tony and his ex-Domme. Nick had watched as Rebecca turned Tony from a confident charming young man into someone who couldn't tell up from down any more. When Tony had ended things with Rebecca he'd cut off all ties to the D/s scene and that had included Nick, but a few years later during a case they had hooked up again and ever since they'd been really close. Tony was lucky that Nick understood why he'd been such a rubbish friend in the past.
Abby was the only other person who could understand what he was going through, and who would listen without judgement. He text her while he waited for the taxi to show up, telling her that he wouldn't be in to work for a few days and asking if they could meet up. She said yes, of course, because Abby was the kind of person who would never let a friend down.
That was the last thing Tony remembered before pain exploded and everything went black.
~NCIS~
Tony didn't wake up fully for a while, but while he drifted in and out of consciousness he caught a glimpse of his attacker. It was a man called Jason, probably called Jason anyway since real names were rare at the St Andrews Cross club which was where Tony met him. St Andrews Cross was famous for it's flogging scene and would often have public displays, which was how Jason, who was incredibly average looking, had come to Tony's attention. It wasn't all about looks for Tony. But generally speaking the men and women he allowed to dominate him had to have something that drew him to them, either looks or they had a presence that drew him to them. The proverbial moth to the all-consuming flame. Jason possessed neither of these qualities. He had, however, been captivating on stage with his manipulation of the submissive in his care and his skill with a whip. Tony had been as hard as a rock during the show and afterwards had made a blatant pass at him followed by a memorable few hours that left Tony feeling shaky and blissed out. It hadn't been an isolated incident, whenever Tony struck out or was looking for a hard punishment he'd hook up with Jason. Apparently that had been a mistake.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed but when he finally managed to wake fully he found himself bound in a dark room. Helpless.
Tony hated this feeling. He wasn't damsel in distress material, and yet this wasn't the first time he'd been kidnapped. Of course, this was the first time that it was personal. Criminals could shoot him, torture him, threaten his friends, frame him for murder or kill his loved ones but he still wouldn't take it as a personal attack against himself. That's not to say that when Ari killed Kate he had sat back and wished the man well, when Ziva killed Ari it had been a victory, vengeance and justice for Kate's loss. Still, he knew that criminals were criminals and he was a cop, or rather an agent now, which meant they were natural born enemies. Jason Bruckner, however, had been a dom he'd played with, someone he let into his secret life and had trusted not to kill him even if he'd never trusted the man to truly top him. He'd been just another in a long line of men he had used to vent his anger and grief with. He'd let the man mark him with a cane. It had been superb. Afterwards he'd tried making out with him, and Tony, flying high on endorphins, had let him get as far as giving him a hickey on the neck before he'd managed to safe word and leave. It had only been once, but apparently once was enough for a psycho like Jason.
Now he was bound up with rope that chaffed, a ball gag in his mouth that tasted of leather and his own sweat, spreader bar between his knees and a pair of handcuffs, his own ironically, keeping him in place. He hated being gagged, it was worse than anything else Jason had or could do to him and it was the one thing that Gibbs had never managed to help him recover from. The emotions it roused in him; helplessness, fear, worthlessness. To him a gag symbolised the inability to express himself and gave him the impression that whoever had gagged him didn't think his opinion or feelings were worth anything. He became just an immobile doll for them to manipulate and abuse. Gibbs had never gagged him and that was the one human who Tony actually trusted. He still trusted his boss with his life even now although Tony wasn't sure how his heart would fair once more in the older man's hands. Maybe now he would never get a chance to find out.
“Beautiful,” breathed Jason from the door way.
Tony hadn't been paying much attention but he hadn't noticed the tell-tale mechanical click of a lock or the beeping indicating the use of a keypad so he guessed that the door wasn't locked, which meant that Jason was counting on Tony's inability to try and escape rather than creating obstacles for him. This was good, because when he finally got free - and he would because he would either sweet-talk Jason into trusting him or find something to help free him of his bondage - he would only have to knock Jason out and then he'd be free. He couldn't count on back-up since Gibbs' gave him that time off but maybe he'd get lucky and someone would noticed he was gone. Hopefully soon. Very soon.
“I'm so glad you accepted my invitation, Tonio. I know I've always enjoyed playing with you but I thought it was time we stopped with the games and got serious, don't you agree?” He asked as if he was expecting an answer.
Tony made a muffled noise from behind the gag hoping Jason would remove it. Luckily that was his captor's next move, although he took his time about it; caressing Tony's sweaty neck, licking the salt from his cheeks and murmuring what probably amounted to endearments in his sick twisted mind. “There now, you can thank me.”
Tony swallowed, not sure if he should play along with this man's delusions or try to rationalise with him. “Thank you, Jason,” he whispered.
Jason practically glowed with pleasure. “Of course, I'd do anything for you, Tonio. After all you deserve all my attention. I'm sorry I let those other whores distract me before, but I wasn't sure you were ready. Now I know you are,” he grinned, planting a practised kiss on Tony's dry unresponsive mouth.
“Ready for what?” Tony asked nervously.
“To be mine of course,” Jason answered.
Tony panicked. He started pulling at the bonds, the rope rubbing at his skin painfully but in his desire to get free even pain wouldn't slow him down. The idea of anyone other than Gibbs claiming him was horrific and he couldn't even pretend it wasn't for the sake of staying alive a little bit longer. A man like Jason wouldn't appreciate his belongings fighting back.
Jason was swift in his punishment, punching Tony in the face to disorient him before straddling him and stabbing a needle into his thigh. The drugs knocked him out cold.
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