He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Title: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Series: The Secret Life (Family) of John Sheppard
Pairing: Rodney/John, Rodney/Marie
Word Count: 889
Summary: Prequel to Meredith. Written for ribbon_purple who wanted to know the back story of Meredith’s mother, this is what I have for you.
Panic. Panic was the first emotion, followed quickly by shame. Shame because someone had died - Marie had died - and Rodney hadn’t even known her name until the social services woman had handed him a birth certificate and a baby. A baby that was now his responsibility - hence the panic. Shame also, because he couldn’t help regretting that night of incredibly bad sex where he had been drunk and she had been crying over her ex, that one night that had led to this very moment with him still holding the baby carrier - complete with sleeping baby - as he dialled John’s number by memory while wearing an expression of complete shock and horror. That night of bad sex had effectively cost some women her life, and Rodney was worried about cancelling his date. Okay, so John was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was freaking out now because hello - baby! - but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hate himself a little for feeling like this. Later, when the baby (currently unnamed) wakes up, and Rodney has to look into the eyes of the motherless child who had the misfortune to be stuck with him for a father, he was sure he would feel wretched that Marie was dead and he was alive, that that night had cost her her life and given him a gift so infinitely precious that he had never thought to ask whatever powers that be for, but right now he was still stuck at ‘panic’, and wavering on the edge of hysteria.
“Sheppard,” Rodney’s kind-of boyfriend answered the phone. They has known each other for almost seven months now, and slept together ninety-seven times not including hand-jobs and blow-jobs, but neither John nor Rodney had ever stayed the night at the other’s apartment (not that John had one) and by some mutual unspoken agreement neither had broached the subject of ‘the future’. Rodney had a feeling that what he was about to say next could be classified as ‘broaching the future’.
“I can’t meet you tonight,” Rodney exclaimed.
There was a pause on the other line while John assimilated the news. “Hi to you too, Rodney,” John drawled.
“Yes, yes hello and good morning and everything polite and trivial. I rang to say that I’m cancelling our date. Not because I want to or anything but because… because I have a baby,” Rodney said, wincing at how rushed it had all sounded.
“You mean, you’re babysitting?” John said slowly. Rodney briefly considered taking the out and lying, finding a way to not fuck up his only chance at happiness. It wasn’t that he believed that if he and John split up he would never find anyone again, he was quite a catch with his brains and good looks, but he knew even after a short time that John was his soul mate, if such a thing truly existed. The fact was, John understood Rodney’s math jokes, he watched sci-fi television and sucked cock like a god. Rodney didn’t want someone who wasn’t John. However, he looked into the innocent pink winkled face of his newborn and newly discovered daughter and he couldn’t deny she existed. She was part of him, a McKay and she was now part of the deal.
“No, I mean I have a baby. One night stand that went wrong on so many levels but… she’s beautiful John, and I can’t have dinner or crazy bend-my-limbs-in-ways-that-hurt sex with you and that really, really sucks so I understand if you never want to see me again now that I’m a father - oh god I’m a father! - But I am now. A father. And I guess she comes first. Oh god, I’m somebody’s father,” Rodney hyperventilated, looking around for the brown paper bag he had carried the groceries home in two days ago.
“Rodney? Rodney? Rodney, breathe,” John reminded him. Rodney wanted to point out that breathing wasn’t a problem, it was how fast and shallow his breaths were that needed to change before he passed out, but he was currently sitting on the floor with his head pointed down and the baby stirring in the carrier.
“I’m okay,” he gasped into the phone several minutes later.
“Good,” John’s voice was measured. “It’s okay that you can’t make it tonight,” he continues, and now Rodney finds himself having the exact opposite problem as he stops breathing for what seems like an impossibly long pause as John drawls out the words that Rodney is sure are going to break his heart. “You have a baby now and I understand she - it is a girl right? - that she needs to come first. But Rodney, that doesn’t mean that I come last. I can still date you and have limb contorting sex, we’ll just have to do it when the baby’s asleep.”
“I think I just fell in love with you,” Rodney blurted out, blaming the previous lack of oxygen to his brain for the inappropriate confession of fairly serious run-for-the-hills type emotion.
“Good,” John sounds smug and not at all fearful on the other end of the line, “because I love you too.” And Rodney knows everything is going to be alright. He may have a semi-orphaned daughter and no experience raising children but John loved him. Everything was going to be okay.