It has been almost a year....
since I posted.
I don't feel that I have anywhere to write this down. I hate writing in journals.....
It seems maybe too simple, yet entirely too complicated - why can two people, who seem to care about each other, just make each others lives shit? Maybe the other person(s) don't actually care anymore. Maybe the craziness in my own head as lead them to no longer give a shit - I know I don't give a shit any more. I am so sick of having to deal with my own head. "You have control over what goes on in your head" - sometimes that doesn't feel true when the thoughts in my head lead to a physical manifestation of anxiety. My skin goes cold, my stomach drops, my legs start to tremble, the list just goes on about the different physical sensations that come from anxiety. I feel like I have allowed my anxiety to get the better of me, to ruin relationships in my life and I just want it to stop. I want it to go away but I don't want to take drugs for it because that seems horrifying. I am a broken record with the needle stuck on a damaged section of the record - with that loud muffled noise just circling over and over again.
I just want my questions answered - is it all my fault, cause if it is I will do whatever it takes to make it right. People keep telling me it isn't all my fault - if it isn't my fault why does it seems that folks just get to walk away. I know this is super victimizing of myself.
I fucked it up. I know I did.
Nothing like a good emo-post to bring myself back to the world of livejournal.
Once again, I have put myself in a situation where I have no time or energy to know what to do. I just want to sit down and cry and give up. That is all I can think of is giving up. Oh I just want out of life. Halifax seems so appealing right now, this world I have is fucked up. The internal and external is just fucked. I can't keep the most important people in my life close to me - I am too crazy. The greater world around me is going to shit. Guelph wants to cut my program, the tories are attempting to take over OPIRG, the Thriftstore is gone. I can't take the amount of loss that has happened this year. I miss so many people and some of them are actually physically gone forever but most I just don't know how to have in my life because it is so painful. I reached the end of my rope in December and it just keeps getting pushed. I have an exam on Monday, a rally on Tuesday, two major papers and another exam within the next two weeks. I don't even have the ability to hold down food a lot of the time. I drink so much because it makes it easier cause at least I am around people but as soon as I get home it is all there.
It just keeps coming, even when I try to make it better. Is it all my fault? It can't be - but what if it is? I know fault is an odd thing to assign because my focus should rest on making myself happy but particular people in my life are dragging me along (I think it is because they care about me to some degree but I don't seem to understand or see that). I am being whiney and pathetic and I am so angry at myself for just being stagnant but I don't even know what I need for myself or from those around me. People keep telling me that they are willing to my support but I don't know what that is anymore. I haven't been able to sleep the night through in over 4 months. I tried to quit smoking but I quit that. My head is a merry-go-round of painful memories that I cannot get off of. And I am so sick of it. I know it is my fault, I should have the ability to get off it and walk away and figure myself out. But I don't want to do that because I hate myself. I hate myself to letting my anxiety get the better of me, I hate my actions, I hate my craziness. I hate that so many people are gone. I am so angry at myself and at the world.
I feel like I could write for ever. I am constantly trying to do things that will make me happy but I allow them to be perverted by people who are adding to my sadness. I have been told by people that I give to much of myself to others. This allows me to take the victim stance. I have to stop but I don't know how. The desperate search for someone to give it back to me, yet I found that and I fucked it up.
My life has become unintelligible to me. I have gone through depression before. August will mark a year since life just began to not be understandable. Nights and days of support work, the loss of people, the loss of love, the political world around me. The constant feeling of failure, the inability to change the world or myself to help people makes me so sad. I know so many people have an existence that is much more complicated and difficult in comparsion to mine.
I am positive that I have written posts very similar to this before and I know I need to change.
But in keeping with bad habits, I am going to go be sad and watch TV.
Harvest moon will continue to skip in my record player.
I don't feel that I have anywhere to write this down. I hate writing in journals.....
It seems maybe too simple, yet entirely too complicated - why can two people, who seem to care about each other, just make each others lives shit? Maybe the other person(s) don't actually care anymore. Maybe the craziness in my own head as lead them to no longer give a shit - I know I don't give a shit any more. I am so sick of having to deal with my own head. "You have control over what goes on in your head" - sometimes that doesn't feel true when the thoughts in my head lead to a physical manifestation of anxiety. My skin goes cold, my stomach drops, my legs start to tremble, the list just goes on about the different physical sensations that come from anxiety. I feel like I have allowed my anxiety to get the better of me, to ruin relationships in my life and I just want it to stop. I want it to go away but I don't want to take drugs for it because that seems horrifying. I am a broken record with the needle stuck on a damaged section of the record - with that loud muffled noise just circling over and over again.
I just want my questions answered - is it all my fault, cause if it is I will do whatever it takes to make it right. People keep telling me it isn't all my fault - if it isn't my fault why does it seems that folks just get to walk away. I know this is super victimizing of myself.
I fucked it up. I know I did.
Nothing like a good emo-post to bring myself back to the world of livejournal.
Once again, I have put myself in a situation where I have no time or energy to know what to do. I just want to sit down and cry and give up. That is all I can think of is giving up. Oh I just want out of life. Halifax seems so appealing right now, this world I have is fucked up. The internal and external is just fucked. I can't keep the most important people in my life close to me - I am too crazy. The greater world around me is going to shit. Guelph wants to cut my program, the tories are attempting to take over OPIRG, the Thriftstore is gone. I can't take the amount of loss that has happened this year. I miss so many people and some of them are actually physically gone forever but most I just don't know how to have in my life because it is so painful. I reached the end of my rope in December and it just keeps getting pushed. I have an exam on Monday, a rally on Tuesday, two major papers and another exam within the next two weeks. I don't even have the ability to hold down food a lot of the time. I drink so much because it makes it easier cause at least I am around people but as soon as I get home it is all there.
It just keeps coming, even when I try to make it better. Is it all my fault? It can't be - but what if it is? I know fault is an odd thing to assign because my focus should rest on making myself happy but particular people in my life are dragging me along (I think it is because they care about me to some degree but I don't seem to understand or see that). I am being whiney and pathetic and I am so angry at myself for just being stagnant but I don't even know what I need for myself or from those around me. People keep telling me that they are willing to my support but I don't know what that is anymore. I haven't been able to sleep the night through in over 4 months. I tried to quit smoking but I quit that. My head is a merry-go-round of painful memories that I cannot get off of. And I am so sick of it. I know it is my fault, I should have the ability to get off it and walk away and figure myself out. But I don't want to do that because I hate myself. I hate myself to letting my anxiety get the better of me, I hate my actions, I hate my craziness. I hate that so many people are gone. I am so angry at myself and at the world.
I feel like I could write for ever. I am constantly trying to do things that will make me happy but I allow them to be perverted by people who are adding to my sadness. I have been told by people that I give to much of myself to others. This allows me to take the victim stance. I have to stop but I don't know how. The desperate search for someone to give it back to me, yet I found that and I fucked it up.
My life has become unintelligible to me. I have gone through depression before. August will mark a year since life just began to not be understandable. Nights and days of support work, the loss of people, the loss of love, the political world around me. The constant feeling of failure, the inability to change the world or myself to help people makes me so sad. I know so many people have an existence that is much more complicated and difficult in comparsion to mine.
I am positive that I have written posts very similar to this before and I know I need to change.
But in keeping with bad habits, I am going to go be sad and watch TV.
Harvest moon will continue to skip in my record player.