Sucker Punch
On Tuesday night, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I noticed that there was a message on Facebook on my iPad. I have Messenger installed on my phone, and my phone is with me all day long, so I knew it was not from one of my friends. I opened it up. It appeared to be a message from my ex sister-in-law. It was somewhat cryptic - she addressed me by my full first name (something she never did in the years that I knew her), and she asked me to call her.
I’m kind of suspicious by nature. My ex and I split up about eighteen years ago, and since that time, I have never heard a peep from any of his siblings. Why would one of them be reaching out to me now? I figured it was spam with some sort of nasty virus intent, so instead of answering the message, I looked her up on Facebook. I figured there would be a picture of her - or someone - and I would be able to see if at least it was really her before replying.
If you’re not friends with somebody on Facebook, you can’t see a lot of what they post if their profile isn’t public. So when I went her page, I immediately saw a post from that morning. It was a link to an obituary… an obituary with my ex-husband’s name on it. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it, so I scrolled down a bit more on her page. The next entry I could see was dated December 6 at 8:10PM. It said:
It is with a million broken pieces of my heart that I let you know my brother, my dearest friend is no longer with us. **my ex’s name** passed away early this morning following a massive heart attack on the highway. I cannot find the words to explain just how numb we all are at this time. We are here with his wife & children & will provide an update on arrangements once made
Um, what? My ex-husband is dead? That can’t be possible! He’s only 51 years old!
I scrolled back up to the obituary link and clicked on it. The page opened to a full colour picture of him. It was undoubtedly my ex-husband.
All thoughts of sleep left me. I didn’t know what to do, how to react. Shock was a given, but was I allowed to feel sad? My last contact with him had been via email to let him know my dad passed in the summer of 2014. After some incidents between us about 5 years before that, I blocked him on all social media, blocked his number from my phone, and didn’t let him know where I moved or where I was now working. When my mom passed in October, I felt he should know, but didn’t want to reach out to him directly, so I asked a mutual friend to pass on the message. The next day, he sent me a Facebook friend request, but I deleted it - did that mean I had given up my right to feel grief? I loved him passionately once upon a time, but did that matter? I also hated him passionately once upon a time as well. Both of those extreme feelings faded with time. His partner - the mother of his 2 sons - did not like me at all, and didn’t want him to have any contact with me, which is why, when my hatred receded, I never reached out. Now I will never be able to.
The funeral isn’t until next Friday, the 21st, and I would like to pay my respects and offer my condolences to the family I was once part of. My husband even offered to come with me for support - he understands that my wanting to go to my ex’s funeral is no reflection of my feelings for him. But, in speaking with my ex sister-in-law, although she would be fine with it, she didn’t think his partner would. And I can understand that, I guess. It’s not about me. I guess I will have to find my own way to say goodbye.
In the 72 hours since I learned of my ex’s sudden passing, thoughts of him have never been far from the surface. And every time I think of it, it takes my breath away. According to his sister, he had no health problems, didn’t smoke, and was fine the day before. He was gone by the time the family got to the hospital. I can’t wrap my brain around it. FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. That is crazy.
I’m kind of suspicious by nature. My ex and I split up about eighteen years ago, and since that time, I have never heard a peep from any of his siblings. Why would one of them be reaching out to me now? I figured it was spam with some sort of nasty virus intent, so instead of answering the message, I looked her up on Facebook. I figured there would be a picture of her - or someone - and I would be able to see if at least it was really her before replying.
If you’re not friends with somebody on Facebook, you can’t see a lot of what they post if their profile isn’t public. So when I went her page, I immediately saw a post from that morning. It was a link to an obituary… an obituary with my ex-husband’s name on it. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it, so I scrolled down a bit more on her page. The next entry I could see was dated December 6 at 8:10PM. It said:
It is with a million broken pieces of my heart that I let you know my brother, my dearest friend is no longer with us. **my ex’s name** passed away early this morning following a massive heart attack on the highway. I cannot find the words to explain just how numb we all are at this time. We are here with his wife & children & will provide an update on arrangements once made
Um, what? My ex-husband is dead? That can’t be possible! He’s only 51 years old!
I scrolled back up to the obituary link and clicked on it. The page opened to a full colour picture of him. It was undoubtedly my ex-husband.
All thoughts of sleep left me. I didn’t know what to do, how to react. Shock was a given, but was I allowed to feel sad? My last contact with him had been via email to let him know my dad passed in the summer of 2014. After some incidents between us about 5 years before that, I blocked him on all social media, blocked his number from my phone, and didn’t let him know where I moved or where I was now working. When my mom passed in October, I felt he should know, but didn’t want to reach out to him directly, so I asked a mutual friend to pass on the message. The next day, he sent me a Facebook friend request, but I deleted it - did that mean I had given up my right to feel grief? I loved him passionately once upon a time, but did that matter? I also hated him passionately once upon a time as well. Both of those extreme feelings faded with time. His partner - the mother of his 2 sons - did not like me at all, and didn’t want him to have any contact with me, which is why, when my hatred receded, I never reached out. Now I will never be able to.
The funeral isn’t until next Friday, the 21st, and I would like to pay my respects and offer my condolences to the family I was once part of. My husband even offered to come with me for support - he understands that my wanting to go to my ex’s funeral is no reflection of my feelings for him. But, in speaking with my ex sister-in-law, although she would be fine with it, she didn’t think his partner would. And I can understand that, I guess. It’s not about me. I guess I will have to find my own way to say goodbye.
In the 72 hours since I learned of my ex’s sudden passing, thoughts of him have never been far from the surface. And every time I think of it, it takes my breath away. According to his sister, he had no health problems, didn’t smoke, and was fine the day before. He was gone by the time the family got to the hospital. I can’t wrap my brain around it. FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. That is crazy.