Kayfabe
“Hey, how are you doing?” a co-worker asks.
“I’m hanging in,” I reply, plastering a small smile on my face.
Not good! I scream internally. I can’t stand people asking me that all the time! How can I be good??
My phone pings with a message from one of my many cousins: “Just checking in to see how you are - lots of love to you!”
I text back: “I’m ok, thanks for checking. Love you” while thinking - I’m not ok - I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ok again!
I’m driving home, and realize that tears are streaming down my face. By the time I get home, my eyes are puffy from crying. My husband looks at me and says, “What’s wrong?”
What the fuck do you think is wrong?? The same thing that has been wrong for the last month!!
I rub at my eyes, and just say “I’m just feeling a little blue. I’m ok. I’m just going to grab a shower before supper.”
In the shower, I turn the water as hot as possible and sob silent tears. I stay in there until the water starts to cool, then take the wash cloth and hold it to my eyes and nose to reduce the swelling.
I’m trying to act normal, whatever that means. I still have obligations to meet, and everyone else’s life is moving forward. Friends, family, and co-workers all see me as a generally happy person, and for some reason, I don’t want them to think of me differently. But when I see myself in a group photo taken at karaoke, I can see it in my eyes. My mouth is smiling, but my eyes show a world of hurt. Hurt that I’m not really sharing with anyone anymore.
One month ago today, on Thanksgiving Monday, October 8th at 5:23 AM, my mother passed away semi-unexpectedly. I say “semi” because by the time it actually happened, we were expecting it, but had you asked me 2 months earlier, when she was admitted to the hospital for two weeks in August, I would have said she had a few more good years ahead of her. But when her hematologist saw her on the morning of Tuesday, October 2nd, he knew something was seriously wrong, and I knew the end was not that far off.
But I digress.
From the day that we knew the end was coming until the funeral on the 18th, everyone knew what to expect of me. They were expecting to see a sad woman who lost her last remaining parent. They expected tears and distress. But after that, I felt as though my mourning time should be over . Or at least that my friends and family expected my mourning time to be over. Life was moving on, whether I was ready for it or not. They expected me to go back to work as though nothing happened. But my world has shifted drastically. I’m moody. I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t stand dealing with the superficial relationships that exist in the office. But I can’t expect my friends and family to drop everything for me. On some level, I know that they would, but I can’t ask that of them. I’ve always portrayed a certain image, the jokester, or the fun one, and seeing me in a different way would make other people uncomfortable. So I pretend. I pretend that my world hasn’t been shattered and that everything is ok. And I hope that someday, even though it will be different, it will be ok again.
“I’m hanging in,” I reply, plastering a small smile on my face.
Not good! I scream internally. I can’t stand people asking me that all the time! How can I be good??
My phone pings with a message from one of my many cousins: “Just checking in to see how you are - lots of love to you!”
I text back: “I’m ok, thanks for checking. Love you” while thinking - I’m not ok - I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ok again!
I’m driving home, and realize that tears are streaming down my face. By the time I get home, my eyes are puffy from crying. My husband looks at me and says, “What’s wrong?”
What the fuck do you think is wrong?? The same thing that has been wrong for the last month!!
I rub at my eyes, and just say “I’m just feeling a little blue. I’m ok. I’m just going to grab a shower before supper.”
In the shower, I turn the water as hot as possible and sob silent tears. I stay in there until the water starts to cool, then take the wash cloth and hold it to my eyes and nose to reduce the swelling.
I’m trying to act normal, whatever that means. I still have obligations to meet, and everyone else’s life is moving forward. Friends, family, and co-workers all see me as a generally happy person, and for some reason, I don’t want them to think of me differently. But when I see myself in a group photo taken at karaoke, I can see it in my eyes. My mouth is smiling, but my eyes show a world of hurt. Hurt that I’m not really sharing with anyone anymore.
One month ago today, on Thanksgiving Monday, October 8th at 5:23 AM, my mother passed away semi-unexpectedly. I say “semi” because by the time it actually happened, we were expecting it, but had you asked me 2 months earlier, when she was admitted to the hospital for two weeks in August, I would have said she had a few more good years ahead of her. But when her hematologist saw her on the morning of Tuesday, October 2nd, he knew something was seriously wrong, and I knew the end was not that far off.
But I digress.
From the day that we knew the end was coming until the funeral on the 18th, everyone knew what to expect of me. They were expecting to see a sad woman who lost her last remaining parent. They expected tears and distress. But after that, I felt as though my mourning time should be over . Or at least that my friends and family expected my mourning time to be over. Life was moving on, whether I was ready for it or not. They expected me to go back to work as though nothing happened. But my world has shifted drastically. I’m moody. I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t stand dealing with the superficial relationships that exist in the office. But I can’t expect my friends and family to drop everything for me. On some level, I know that they would, but I can’t ask that of them. I’ve always portrayed a certain image, the jokester, or the fun one, and seeing me in a different way would make other people uncomfortable. So I pretend. I pretend that my world hasn’t been shattered and that everything is ok. And I hope that someday, even though it will be different, it will be ok again.