via livejournalll
yeah.
she said it today.
we were folding clothes and she said it.
two of the things i've been waiting for her to day, because i knew she would.
1. you should be talking to people that knew him, and not other people.
2. you really need to just get over it.
it was only a matter of time before she said it i guess.
i knew it was coming, and i couldn't stop it.
it penitrated my heart when she said those things.
i'm not ready, but i know i should be.
i can't hold back my life due to this tragic event.
life needs to go on, and i need to grow from this, no matter how badly i want to dwell on the horrifying past.
with nick's one year drawing nearer and nearer, i need to think about kentucky, and all the times we shared.
it's going to be a long day saturday, but i'm not staying inside all day.
i'm going to starbucks with josh to talk about Nick.
i don't care if josh didn't know him, he wants to hear all about him.
being out of the house will help me out.
sorry, but i refuse to lock my butt in my room crying all day long...i'll go out in public and cry for all i care.
i read mrs. avery's journal entry on caringbridge.org today.
"getting better." god.
i think those words are more powerful, and possibly more painful than many words right now.
it's hard to be "getting better" because i have such a strong urge to see Nick.
shortly after he died, that urge was so strong i almost died to see him.
there's something in my heart that is shaped like the Nick i last saw.
glasses, braces, short short hair.
no one else can fit that, but that goofy Nick; braces and all.
i wish everything was "getting better" but it's not.
everyday is just as hard as the day before, because i want to see Nicko again.
i can't wait until heaven.
that's why i can't wait for the next day, because it might be the last.
that's terrible sounding, but it's kinda how i feel.
sometimes i really just want to skip saturday and go straight to sunday, because i'm scared.
but it's good to be scared though, because it helps.
Nick was probably scared too, but he kept faith.
i need to be like Nick; have faith.
i realize how bad and destroyed my faith is, but i need to start over.
i seriously need god again, and i need him bad.
i need something to keep my floating in this storm.
forget being like mike.
i wanna be like NICK...
Current Mood: Worried / Happy / Content / Stressed
Current Music: Party Like a Rockstar by Shop Boyz