please dont read this.

[sararawksthebox]

I suppose there isn’t a whole lot that I can say. Not a lot that will actually matter, anyway. I’m trying to look on the bright side of things. Possibly trying too hard. I’m not all too sure what I’m doing with my boyfriend. I don’t know if I am fighting too hard to keep a fire going that has long since been extinguished. Or if I’m just fighting for something that feels so right that it has to last. I don’t hate him because he wants to give up. I don’t hate him because he is frustrated with me. I don’t hate him because he hurt me. I hate him because he made me a promise. He promised me that he would be there for me, every day. He promised that he would take care of me and love me. He promised that he would always love me, no matter what. And he lied. He looked me in the eyes and he lied to me; which is something that he seems to be exceedingly good at. When I cheated on him, he told me that there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Nothing that I could do to make him stop hurting. The day he told me that, he looked me in the eyes and said that he couldn’t believe that I had hurt him like that. He didn’t look me in the eye and tell me, well its actually okay, because a month ago I was dating another girl, so I guess we’re even. Oh, and in may through July, a girl then too. So we are even for the times you cheated on me. I didn’t tell him that there was a very real difference between his actions and mine. He had dated other girls. Actually took them on dates, got to know them, all that bullshit. They were girls that he barely knew, girls that he was interested in. I was in love. I got drunk and I kissed a boy that I had been in love with for five years. A boy that I am still head over heels for but am too much of a coward to say it to his face. A boy that means so much to me that I can’t even begin to put it into words. But its not like I could tell him that. He just went out with other girls. Girls that meant nothing. But I kissed a boy. A boy who I sincerely loved. But I just said that I was drunk. How do you tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him because you were in love with someone else? That if there was a choice between the two, you would choose the other one. I don’t hate him for cheating on me, because now that I write it out, it seems what I did was much worse. The bottom line is that I don’t know whether this is worth fighting for. He put a shiny ring on my finger and said that he would love me forever, but then takes that promise away every time he doubts. I don’t know if I am fighting just to hold on to something, to someone. I don’t know if I am trying to replace something that I once had. I just don’t know. But I hope that it’s worth fighting for. I hope that its not useless. I hope that I don’t go through all this just to lose him in the end. And I hope that writing this long, drug induced entry does not get me in trouble with the boy mentioned above.
Maybe. Maybe not. For now, I suppose, there is sleep.