Just Another Sunday
It's really weird right now that I have find myself on the cusp of something new - and I'm not really running from anything.
For the last couple of months (and the Stephs might say for the last two years) all I have talked about is how fast I need a change from my day job.
So last week I called UWM and inquired about their admissions policies - if all goes well I will probably end up there this fall. As for work - we'll see what happens there. I think I just need to let go of my expectations and let them be asshats. Just because they are a bunch of monkeys doesn't mean I have to join in...
In the meantime I've been thinking alot about what I don't like about my life and what I do. I gripe about my husband - and sometimes I get really frustrated of taking care of him - but at the end of the day my real issue is I'm worried about balancing taking care of him, with taking of myself and our future kids.
I get so hung up on how are we going to make it all work - that I'm not really living my life. I keep saying - just another six months until we get to x - and I'm really tired of that. It frustrates me, it frustrates my friends and it frustrates my family. What I really want to do with my life is write, organize, develop and raise a family. At the end of the day, I want to be mother to the little girl playing on the swing or the little boy riding his trike - ok so I realize they'll grow up to be teenagers and drive me nuts - but I have always wanted that family and I have the foundation to built it with Gareth - and its really hard for me to trust in that, anyone or even myself - but the reality is - family is what I want more than anything.
So based on that, today Gareth and I decided to stop 'practicing', remove the training wheels and try to get pregnant.
I am incredible excited but also incredible scared. I think it's going to be a very interesting ride - and I have a lot to figure out but really all of our parents grew/developed with us - so why should I expect myself to be perfect before trying. I know I need to work on myself but hey that'll give me the opportunity to show my children how to work through things.
Gareth and I don't have the perfect relationship but we do have a good one. We are constantly working on building a better relationship alongside building better selves. He is an excellent partner, now he just needs to learn how to drive. After that we'll tackle riding a bike ... and you know what's kind of silly - I'm really enjoying teaching him how.