say goodnight (don't say good bye)
title: say goodnight (don't say goodbye)
pairing: jb/jr.
in parallel to night light (+the real ending)
working title: keep you frozen in time; please turn around (don't let me down)
warnings: very confusing and long-winded. I just wanted to get rid of this wip. post-breakup fic
Stay with me, don't disappear.
Jaebum wants to have a good time, get blasted, just to forget about Jinyoung, Park motherfucking Jinyoung, breaker of his heart and love of his life.
The two bottles of soju he had downed a few minutes ago does not make dancing in someone's living room an enjoyable experience as he used to remember. The pounding bass beat and pulsating lights just make him want to throw up this time. He feels a warm body press against his, it takes him a few seconds of squinting to recognize Jiyeon from Music Composition.
Park Jiyeon is pretty and smart, the same league as Bae Suji, if not higher. But he's too focused on letting off steam and forgetting Jinyoung to be entertaining thoughts of hooking up tonight.
(He's too heartbroken and still caught up with his estranged ex-lover, more like.)
If he felt dizzy a few moments ago, he really wants to hurl now. Going out without his contacts or glasses is always a bad idea in the first place. He pushes his way out of the crowd and stumbles into the nearest bathroom, (he's been to Hakyeon's apartment enough times to practically find it blindfolded.) where he promptly empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.
He leaves the bathroom after splashing his face with cold water and deciding that inhaling the smell of his own puke is too much to bear.
In his drunken stupor, he thinks he sees the familiar sight of Jinyoung's side profile and tries to follow when the boy crosses the room and exits through the front door.
Jaebum almost has his hand on the doorknob when a wildly dancing couple bumps into him, delaying him for a few precious seconds. He brushes aside their hurried apologies and opens the door to find nothing but the cold black asphalt reflecting the warm yellow light cast by the street lamps.
***
It’s 10:45 am and Jaebum trips on a textbook as he's making his way out of his room. Normally he'd just pick it up and place it on his desk or ignore it for later if he's running late but instead he crutches down and rifles through the scattered bits of unfamiliar stationery that spewed out of the book.
Poems.
All of them in Jinyoung's handwriting. Six months ago he would have burned them all on sight, but now he's nostalgic for even the smallest reminders of his best friend-turned-lover-turned-stranger. He doesn't even see Jinyoung around anymore.
At first he was worried that Jinyoung had transferred or worse, dropped out. A quick ask-around involving Wendy Son and Kang Seulgi, who took some classes with Jinyoung revealed, to his relief, that the younger boy was still in campus and breathing the same air as him.
He could have just left the papers in his room, but sentimentality wins over and he tucks them into the front pocket of his backpack.
He makes it to class with fifteen minutes to spare, so he pulls out the poetry and settles on the steps to begin reading it. Some of them are unfinished, but most have the same underlying theme of how love isn't easy but one must endure.
How ironic.
Jaebum thinks he sees Jinyoung standing off to one side at the corner of his eye, he turns his head but Park Jiyeon situates herself in his line of vision. He cranes his neck to look behind her but the familiar outline of the person seems to be gone, he curses inwardly.
"What's that?" She asks, taking a seat next to him. “Notes?” Jaebum quickly stuffs the sheets back in his bag, shaking his head. He doesn't feel like sharing it to her.
Scratch that. He doesn't feel like sharing anything to her. Period.
"Nothing important."
***
Seven months with only his left hand for company causes Jaebum to be relentless tonight in his pursuit for release inside Jinyoung.
He'd be lying if he says he doesn't miss Jinyoung.
The sight of Jinyoung exposing the pale column of his neck, glistening with sweat as Jaebum snaps his hips in a steady rhythm only adds to inevitable pooling of heat to his stomach.
He bends down to taste the salty moisture of Jinyoung's skin, his tongue drawing aimless patterns as he laps it up. Jinyoung moans louder as Jaebum runs the rough muscle around one nipple then sucks at it briefly before giving the same attention to the other.
Jinyoung has blunt fingernails clawing and grasping at Jaebum; his shoulders, his neck, his back, his ass cheeks--like Jinyoung's trying to anchor himself to him, to the moment. That combined with choked-off gasps and half-formed utterances of his name leave Jaebum light-headed.
During the entirety of this encounter, he's only tried voicing out once how good Jinyoung feels, how he's missed him, how he loves him, but Jinyoung silences him with a don't and a watery look in his eyes. With that Jaebum knows not to push the issue.
If right now is the only time he'll ever get to have Jinyoung in his arms again, then he'll just seize the opportunity even though the time they have together is slipping out of his hands.
He wants to know, to know so badly what had caused Jinyoung to drop everything and walk out of his dorm room and out of his life.
He wants to yell, scream and shake Jinyoung, get him to reveal why, why he left.
But he won't.
His question would only speed up the clock that's already hurtling towards endpoint.
***
So Jaebum pretends that the glittering shards of his broken glass heart are diamonds so he can comfort himself with words that he was worth Jinyoung's time and love.
***
For the nth time in the week after Jinyoung left, he contemplates throwing out the clothes sitting in his closet that have accumulated with every visit and sleepover Jinyoung has made in his dorm room.
Jaebum is not the type to seek vengeance or whatever it is that fuels recently broken-up people to wreck what their exes have left behind or some going as far as smashing car windows and demolishing their living areas. And he views this act of giving away Jinyoung’s things as a very mild form of seeking revenge against him.
Yet, here he is. He’s got one pile of it in his arms right now and currently trying to muster up courage to drop it in the cardboard box labeled “For Charity”.
Touché.
He isn’t deluding himself. He knows he can’t bring himself to set foot in Jinyoung’s building, face a locked door and not pound his fists on it demanding to be let in, to see Jinyoung and beg for him to come back. The wounds that Jinyoung had inflicted on him are still fresh, and he doesn’t know if he can handle the pain of Jinyoung turning away from his desperate pleas.
He crouches down, raising his arms to place the folded pile in the box when the first item on top brushes against his nose and he catches a whiff of the cologne that Jinyoung usually sprayed into his closet, rather than on to his own skin.
(“So that it doesn’t come on too strong,” Jinyoung said, resting his head on his shoulder while they sit in front of the television eating snacks too salty to have any nutritional value. “Or so you have to lean close to smell it. “)
Jaebum’s hands shake and he falters.
Mark and Jackson finds Jaebum on the floor of his room-head perched at the edge of his bed, cradling Jinyoung’s favorite long-sleeved denim shirt, cardboard box still empty at his side.
***
“Hyung.”
There are many things that Jaebum is ready for on a Friday night; an email from his professor telling him he got another A+ on his recent film submission, Jiyeon dragging him to an ice cream parlor so she can bat her eyelashes at him while he watches his patbingsu melt, Mark and Jackson forcing his best clothes on him so they can subsequently take him out for a good time (and forget about things, most especially Park Jinyoung.)
But he is definitely not ready for said boy to show up on his doorstep, flushed in the face up to his ears, out of breath, blinking up at him with guilt-ridden eyes.
He blinks and rubs his eyes. He must have fallen asleep in the midst of editing his current project, and right now he was dreaming that Park Jinyoung is in front of him.
“Can I come in?” he asks, looking unsure for the first time in the entirety of them knowing each other.
Jaebum finds the contrast jarring. Jinyoung never had to ask him permission for anything. He always had a distinctive air of confidence when it came to invading Jaebum’s territory and personal space; just casually strolling into his room ever since the seventh grade, sneaking kimchi off his lunch tray, and stealing kisses in middle of the street as they walked hand-in-hand, like he knew Jaebum could never say no to him.
The same way he just insouciantly walked into Jaebum’s heart in their first year of college, nonthreatening, unceremonious--a fixture that was most likely present even before his rude awakening to its existence.
Jaebum nods tersely and opens the door wider to let Jinyoung in.
Alarms are going off in his head as he warily watches his former flame step cautiously into his room like he has never been inside or spent countless nights limbs tangled with his on his very bed. He should’ve closed the door as soon as he saw who was standing outside, should’ve said no and slammed the door in Jinyoung’s face then locked it for good measure.
Park Jinyoung had broken his heart once and he was going to do it again tonight.
It’s the only thing Jaebum is definitely sure of .
***
The soft rays of dawn breaking filters into Jaebum’s room, his eyes immediately react to it like an intrusion but his brain is too slow on the uptake and settles for just slowly fluttering open.
He feels Jinyoung’s mouth press on the top of his head, he sighs contentedly before rolling over, shielding his sensitive eyes from the invading light and drifts back into slumber. He dreams of a time bomb, its countdown fast approaching, five…four…three…
A wire is cut, the impending explosion is delayed.
And time resets.
He doesn’t hear the softly spoken i need to go nor the broken fashion it was whispered in.
***
“Forget him, Jae.” Jiyeon murmurs into his ear, the words make him start and turn to stare at her. Jiyeon’s eyelids are at half-mast, seductive, expertly shaded with liner and shadow to add to their luster. Her lips are pink and lush, slightly open, perfectly tempting. The look she gives him says she’s definitely interested.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful.
Smart, pretty, popular and practically throwing himself at him. How hard was it to bend down and find out how soft that mouth really was? Or how would it feel like on his cock? A little bit of persuasion on his side and he knew she would be naked and more than willing in his bed.
“Are you interested in helping me?” he asks, immediately Jiyeon perks up and the gleam in her eyes increases fourfold. Her hand travels to his thigh and she brings her face closer to his, eyes fluttering closed and lips puckering.
“Sorry, Jiyeon.” Jaebum sighs out, trying to inject every ounce of empathy he doesn’t really feel into his words. “But I can’t. And I really don’t like you in that way.” He pushes her shoulder aside, eases off Jiyeon’s hand from his lap and stands up.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful. But in the short time he has known her, he finds her manipulative, calculating and heartless.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful.
But she isn’t Park Jinyoung.
***
Our love is forbidden.
Our love is unknown.
Our love is dangerous.
But I will carry on.
***
They tell me you are unworthy.
That I deserve so much more.
They cast stones and they send looks.
Cold and sharp.
You open your arms and shield me;
for I am weak
In many ways they are rig-
Jaebum sits up and clicks on the bedside lamp, bringing the sheet closer to his eyes, inspecting the last line of the poem. It couldn’t have ended like that, right? He curses under in his breath, he thinks he might have accidentally blurred out the lead since it was written in pencil.
I deserve so much more?
They are right?
The words hit a sore spot and he stumbles out of bed, heart weighed down with sadness, steps just as heavy as he approaches his desk. The waste basket is just there, inviting him to just lift his arm and toss what he has left of Jinyoung’s affection with a flick of his wrist.
The dim light of his lamp falls upon the highlighter he had handed to Jinyoung a few days before he had an exam to take.
(“I rocked that test.” Jinyoung announces happily as he straddles Jaebum, pinning him into his mattress. “I have to thank you, hyung.” His hands move to the older boy’s belt, undoing the buckle with practiced finesse before artlessly getting on his knees.
Jaebum eventually shudders to completion down Jinyoung’s throat, fingers woven into his dark hair; who then sits up and proceeds to lap up every trace of pearly white liquid that he had not swallowed prior off Jaebum’s stomach, like a cat enjoying a saucer of cream.
If this was Jinyoung’s method of reward and punishment, then he would gladly roll on his back and jump through hoops of fire for the younger boy.)
He seizes the marker and hurls it into the waste basket with as much force his anger feeds him and it hits the metal bottom with a satisfying cluck.
The pleasure is short-lived; he scrambles to unearth the highlighter from under balled-up papers and the odd chewing gum wrapper before dusting it off and returning it with tears in his eyes to its rightful place at the upper right hand corner of his desk.
Jaebum settles back into his pillows, not bothering to wipe at his face, praying desperately for sleep to come quickly and numb out the ache in his chest.
***
I see oceans in your eyes.
(Are you here to grant eternity in your arms?
I'm adrift on a raft of borrowed luck.)
I fear you cannot see forever in mine.
***
The room is bright with sunlight when Jaebum startles awake in his bed, he is alone with not even Nora curled up at the foot of his bed to keep him company. Where he had expected Jinyoung to be, he finds only a cold spot beside him.
Before he has time to bury his head in his hands and lament his fate (as he had done each time he had awakened solitary ever since Jinyoung had walked out of his dorm room and out of his life), his fury kicks in; he jumps out of bed and reaches for the nearest clothing he can lay his hands on.
You can’t just walk away from me a second time without explanation, Jinyoung. he says to himself, footsteps thundering on the hardwood floor as he rushes past his dorm mates. I will get an answer from you this time.
***
Jaebum is powered by adrenaline as he sprints down the incline, he trips and nearly falls but catches himself in time. Now was not really the time to earn a sprained ankle or fractured arm.
He reaches Jinyoung’s dorm building and enters without much delay from the other occupants, who recognize him by face and name. Jaebum is in front of Jinyoung’s door within minutes. Fear grips him and he realizes he can’t lift his hand to knock.
Taking a few calming breaths, he tries the knob. The door gives way-it wasn’t locked in the first place.
“Jinyoung-ah?”
The laptop is open and it’s playing the video he saved in the thumb drive he was too shy to hand to Jinyoung in person. So he left it, in the one place that he was sure Jinyoung would see last-the bookshelf.
His heart drops to his toes when he catches sight of Jinyoung curled up into a ball, tear-stained cheek pressed against his duvet, sobbing brokenly.
***
“I want you back.” Jinyoung says, almost too soft to be heard but Jaebum hears them loud and clear. He stares dumbfounded, letting the words sink in.
Is it for good? He wants to ask but the question is stuck in his throat. He can’t risk Jinyoung saying no. He can’t risk scaring Jinyoung back into the unknown he had retreated into.
I’ll take you; today, tomorrow, your terms.
Anyway I can have you.
Even if you just mean tonight.
***
Jinyoung swears loudly and starts to pull away from his embrace, cold panic unfolds rapidly in Jaebum’s stomach. The next thing he knows, his pride is out the window and he is reduced to pleading. Something he’s never done in any of his previous failed relationships, and most certainly not with Jinyoung, romantic or otherwise.
Love makes you do crazy things. His own mind mocks him, the bitter vein of his thoughts hitting home.
The old adage is trite as hell but here he is.
Begging for one more chance to hold Jinyoung.
He wrenches Jinyoung back to him and brands searing hot bruises onto his mouth with his own. He devours him like a man gone for days without water and Jinyoung is a fountain overflowing sweet and cold with it; clutches at Jinyoung as if a sudden gust of wind will blow him out of reach.
He has touched Jinyoung’s body in more ways than he can count; thought that he already has him all figured out, it’s absolutely absurd how Jinyoung still manages to catch him by surprise with his response.
The exact same way he never knew his affection for Jinyoung had grown to achingly torturous desire until it hit him right in the face.
The laughter in his head is derisive, telling him he’s a fool for letting Jinyoung just waltz back into his life but he ignores it in favor of melting the freezing ache in his chest with Jinyoung’s touch.
***
"I thought I could just get you out of my system! One more hit just so I wouldn't go insane thinking about you!" More tears leak out of Jinyoung's eyes as he tries to get his point across without yelling.
Jaebum runs his hands through his hair in frustration. "One last night and then what? Huh, Jin? What?" His teeth and jaw are set, in an attempt not to raise the volume of his voice more than necessary.
Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, just watching Jaebum’s chest rise and fall with labored breath. "Last night. Last night," He stalks back slowly, step by step, to Jinyoung as he speaks, “Did you know how glad I was that the boy I loved since probably forever comes back to me?"
Jaebum looks right at him, Jinyoung can only bite his lip and breathe noisily through his mouth. His words make little incisions on his heart, they are not deep but they sting. "I lead him back to my bed, thinking that this time will be different. May this time, he’ll stay."
"But same shit, I make you scream my name as I fuck you open but I wake up this morning as alone as the day you walked out on me." Jaebum has caged him in his swivel chair with his arms, he can't run away in the face of the guilt Jaebum is burning into his conscience. "No note, no explanation, not even a fucking text to tell me goodbye."
"I deserved to know, Jin!”
Heart laid out on the floor, Jaebum runs out of steam. He releases Jinyoung and crumples into a nearby chair, burying his head in his hands.
"You were always too good for me, Jin. Maybe I was asking too much by liking you, loving you. They were right. I don’t deserve you."
If Jaebum's intensity had shocked him speechless earlier, then his words now struck Jinyoung dumb. Jinyoung stares hard at Jaebum's jet black hair, willing him to look at him once more. He doesn't, wallowing in self-pity and defeat.
Jinyoung rises from his seat and makes his way to Jaebum. "That's not true, Jae." He grips at Jaebum's wrists and forces him to look at him, to see the sincerity and apology in his gaze.“I just wanted you to be happy."
“I was, Jin. I was.” His hands travel to Jinyoung's arms to his neck, cradling Jinyoung’s face. “You made me happy. More than you know.”
Jinyoung trembles under his touch, he's missed this, missed Jaebum. "I thought I didn't have the right to make you happy, let alone stay with you."
"I love you, Jin. Let me stay with you. Let me make you happy." He whispers against Jinyoung's collarbone. "Stay with me, you already make me happy."
Jinyoung's tears resurface with a vengeance and he lays his cheek on the older boy's neck as he sobs gratefully.
Their story isn't perfect, but who needs perfection when he has Im Jaebum in his arms once again, this time for good.
***
"What about Jiyeon?"
Jaebum is startled by Jinyoung's question, they had settled on the bed, drawing lazy patterns on each other's bare skin.
"What about her?"
“You were with her every time I- every time I saw you.”
“She liked me.”
"..."
"I wanted to move on,"
"..."
“But she isn’t you.”
“So, can we start over?”
"..."
"..."
"No."
"..."
"Let's pick up...where we left off."
Jinyoung shifts his weight and presses a soft kiss on his lips, which Jaebum gladly accepts with a smile.
"Deal."
***
But for one thing, they are wrong.
It is I that does not deserve you.
Fin.
A/N:
i apologize for my shit "poetry". i'm such trash.
originally dedicated to a number of people whose work kept my jjp feels alive since day one: noisestorms, xfragments, symmetrophobic, amelioratedays, lahdeehdah000 and gotchick (but now it’s crap and I am so unworthy.)
and to nahonjaireoke, venerately, jkcanyounot, hipployta
the idea to write in jb’s pov came as soon as nightlight was finished but I never got around to finishing it due to hell week and finals (+ my dad always borrowing my ipad as soon as I got home for summer)
Feel free to comment if you liked this (or hated it, I’m open for critique), if you just want to ask a couple of questions or if you wanna be friends (i have no one to spazz kpop with irl. You guys are all I have!)
playlist:
Frozen in time - Sunmi ft. Jackson
Sorry - Wonder Girls
Goodnight - Cher Lloyd
If I Could Change Your Mind
Running if You Call My Name } Haim
Thank you for reading!
pairing: jb/jr.
in parallel to night light (+the real ending)
working title: keep you frozen in time; please turn around (don't let me down)
warnings: very confusing and long-winded. I just wanted to get rid of this wip. post-breakup fic
Stay with me, don't disappear.
Jaebum wants to have a good time, get blasted, just to forget about Jinyoung, Park motherfucking Jinyoung, breaker of his heart and love of his life.
The two bottles of soju he had downed a few minutes ago does not make dancing in someone's living room an enjoyable experience as he used to remember. The pounding bass beat and pulsating lights just make him want to throw up this time. He feels a warm body press against his, it takes him a few seconds of squinting to recognize Jiyeon from Music Composition.
Park Jiyeon is pretty and smart, the same league as Bae Suji, if not higher. But he's too focused on letting off steam and forgetting Jinyoung to be entertaining thoughts of hooking up tonight.
(He's too heartbroken and still caught up with his estranged ex-lover, more like.)
If he felt dizzy a few moments ago, he really wants to hurl now. Going out without his contacts or glasses is always a bad idea in the first place. He pushes his way out of the crowd and stumbles into the nearest bathroom, (he's been to Hakyeon's apartment enough times to practically find it blindfolded.) where he promptly empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.
He leaves the bathroom after splashing his face with cold water and deciding that inhaling the smell of his own puke is too much to bear.
In his drunken stupor, he thinks he sees the familiar sight of Jinyoung's side profile and tries to follow when the boy crosses the room and exits through the front door.
Jaebum almost has his hand on the doorknob when a wildly dancing couple bumps into him, delaying him for a few precious seconds. He brushes aside their hurried apologies and opens the door to find nothing but the cold black asphalt reflecting the warm yellow light cast by the street lamps.
***
It’s 10:45 am and Jaebum trips on a textbook as he's making his way out of his room. Normally he'd just pick it up and place it on his desk or ignore it for later if he's running late but instead he crutches down and rifles through the scattered bits of unfamiliar stationery that spewed out of the book.
Poems.
All of them in Jinyoung's handwriting. Six months ago he would have burned them all on sight, but now he's nostalgic for even the smallest reminders of his best friend-turned-lover-turned-stranger. He doesn't even see Jinyoung around anymore.
At first he was worried that Jinyoung had transferred or worse, dropped out. A quick ask-around involving Wendy Son and Kang Seulgi, who took some classes with Jinyoung revealed, to his relief, that the younger boy was still in campus and breathing the same air as him.
He could have just left the papers in his room, but sentimentality wins over and he tucks them into the front pocket of his backpack.
He makes it to class with fifteen minutes to spare, so he pulls out the poetry and settles on the steps to begin reading it. Some of them are unfinished, but most have the same underlying theme of how love isn't easy but one must endure.
How ironic.
Jaebum thinks he sees Jinyoung standing off to one side at the corner of his eye, he turns his head but Park Jiyeon situates herself in his line of vision. He cranes his neck to look behind her but the familiar outline of the person seems to be gone, he curses inwardly.
"What's that?" She asks, taking a seat next to him. “Notes?” Jaebum quickly stuffs the sheets back in his bag, shaking his head. He doesn't feel like sharing it to her.
Scratch that. He doesn't feel like sharing anything to her. Period.
"Nothing important."
***
Seven months with only his left hand for company causes Jaebum to be relentless tonight in his pursuit for release inside Jinyoung.
He'd be lying if he says he doesn't miss Jinyoung.
The sight of Jinyoung exposing the pale column of his neck, glistening with sweat as Jaebum snaps his hips in a steady rhythm only adds to inevitable pooling of heat to his stomach.
He bends down to taste the salty moisture of Jinyoung's skin, his tongue drawing aimless patterns as he laps it up. Jinyoung moans louder as Jaebum runs the rough muscle around one nipple then sucks at it briefly before giving the same attention to the other.
Jinyoung has blunt fingernails clawing and grasping at Jaebum; his shoulders, his neck, his back, his ass cheeks--like Jinyoung's trying to anchor himself to him, to the moment. That combined with choked-off gasps and half-formed utterances of his name leave Jaebum light-headed.
During the entirety of this encounter, he's only tried voicing out once how good Jinyoung feels, how he's missed him, how he loves him, but Jinyoung silences him with a don't and a watery look in his eyes. With that Jaebum knows not to push the issue.
If right now is the only time he'll ever get to have Jinyoung in his arms again, then he'll just seize the opportunity even though the time they have together is slipping out of his hands.
He wants to know, to know so badly what had caused Jinyoung to drop everything and walk out of his dorm room and out of his life.
He wants to yell, scream and shake Jinyoung, get him to reveal why, why he left.
But he won't.
His question would only speed up the clock that's already hurtling towards endpoint.
***
So Jaebum pretends that the glittering shards of his broken glass heart are diamonds so he can comfort himself with words that he was worth Jinyoung's time and love.
***
For the nth time in the week after Jinyoung left, he contemplates throwing out the clothes sitting in his closet that have accumulated with every visit and sleepover Jinyoung has made in his dorm room.
Jaebum is not the type to seek vengeance or whatever it is that fuels recently broken-up people to wreck what their exes have left behind or some going as far as smashing car windows and demolishing their living areas. And he views this act of giving away Jinyoung’s things as a very mild form of seeking revenge against him.
Yet, here he is. He’s got one pile of it in his arms right now and currently trying to muster up courage to drop it in the cardboard box labeled “For Charity”.
Touché.
He isn’t deluding himself. He knows he can’t bring himself to set foot in Jinyoung’s building, face a locked door and not pound his fists on it demanding to be let in, to see Jinyoung and beg for him to come back. The wounds that Jinyoung had inflicted on him are still fresh, and he doesn’t know if he can handle the pain of Jinyoung turning away from his desperate pleas.
He crouches down, raising his arms to place the folded pile in the box when the first item on top brushes against his nose and he catches a whiff of the cologne that Jinyoung usually sprayed into his closet, rather than on to his own skin.
(“So that it doesn’t come on too strong,” Jinyoung said, resting his head on his shoulder while they sit in front of the television eating snacks too salty to have any nutritional value. “Or so you have to lean close to smell it. “)
Jaebum’s hands shake and he falters.
Mark and Jackson finds Jaebum on the floor of his room-head perched at the edge of his bed, cradling Jinyoung’s favorite long-sleeved denim shirt, cardboard box still empty at his side.
***
“Hyung.”
There are many things that Jaebum is ready for on a Friday night; an email from his professor telling him he got another A+ on his recent film submission, Jiyeon dragging him to an ice cream parlor so she can bat her eyelashes at him while he watches his patbingsu melt, Mark and Jackson forcing his best clothes on him so they can subsequently take him out for a good time (and forget about things, most especially Park Jinyoung.)
But he is definitely not ready for said boy to show up on his doorstep, flushed in the face up to his ears, out of breath, blinking up at him with guilt-ridden eyes.
He blinks and rubs his eyes. He must have fallen asleep in the midst of editing his current project, and right now he was dreaming that Park Jinyoung is in front of him.
“Can I come in?” he asks, looking unsure for the first time in the entirety of them knowing each other.
Jaebum finds the contrast jarring. Jinyoung never had to ask him permission for anything. He always had a distinctive air of confidence when it came to invading Jaebum’s territory and personal space; just casually strolling into his room ever since the seventh grade, sneaking kimchi off his lunch tray, and stealing kisses in middle of the street as they walked hand-in-hand, like he knew Jaebum could never say no to him.
The same way he just insouciantly walked into Jaebum’s heart in their first year of college, nonthreatening, unceremonious--a fixture that was most likely present even before his rude awakening to its existence.
Jaebum nods tersely and opens the door wider to let Jinyoung in.
Alarms are going off in his head as he warily watches his former flame step cautiously into his room like he has never been inside or spent countless nights limbs tangled with his on his very bed. He should’ve closed the door as soon as he saw who was standing outside, should’ve said no and slammed the door in Jinyoung’s face then locked it for good measure.
Park Jinyoung had broken his heart once and he was going to do it again tonight.
It’s the only thing Jaebum is definitely sure of .
***
The soft rays of dawn breaking filters into Jaebum’s room, his eyes immediately react to it like an intrusion but his brain is too slow on the uptake and settles for just slowly fluttering open.
He feels Jinyoung’s mouth press on the top of his head, he sighs contentedly before rolling over, shielding his sensitive eyes from the invading light and drifts back into slumber. He dreams of a time bomb, its countdown fast approaching, five…four…three…
A wire is cut, the impending explosion is delayed.
And time resets.
He doesn’t hear the softly spoken i need to go nor the broken fashion it was whispered in.
***
“Forget him, Jae.” Jiyeon murmurs into his ear, the words make him start and turn to stare at her. Jiyeon’s eyelids are at half-mast, seductive, expertly shaded with liner and shadow to add to their luster. Her lips are pink and lush, slightly open, perfectly tempting. The look she gives him says she’s definitely interested.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful.
Smart, pretty, popular and practically throwing himself at him. How hard was it to bend down and find out how soft that mouth really was? Or how would it feel like on his cock? A little bit of persuasion on his side and he knew she would be naked and more than willing in his bed.
“Are you interested in helping me?” he asks, immediately Jiyeon perks up and the gleam in her eyes increases fourfold. Her hand travels to his thigh and she brings her face closer to his, eyes fluttering closed and lips puckering.
“Sorry, Jiyeon.” Jaebum sighs out, trying to inject every ounce of empathy he doesn’t really feel into his words. “But I can’t. And I really don’t like you in that way.” He pushes her shoulder aside, eases off Jiyeon’s hand from his lap and stands up.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful. But in the short time he has known her, he finds her manipulative, calculating and heartless.
Park Jiyeon is beautiful.
But she isn’t Park Jinyoung.
***
Our love is forbidden.
Our love is unknown.
Our love is dangerous.
But I will carry on.
***
They tell me you are unworthy.
That I deserve so much more.
They cast stones and they send looks.
Cold and sharp.
You open your arms and shield me;
for I am weak
In many ways they are rig-
Jaebum sits up and clicks on the bedside lamp, bringing the sheet closer to his eyes, inspecting the last line of the poem. It couldn’t have ended like that, right? He curses under in his breath, he thinks he might have accidentally blurred out the lead since it was written in pencil.
I deserve so much more?
They are right?
The words hit a sore spot and he stumbles out of bed, heart weighed down with sadness, steps just as heavy as he approaches his desk. The waste basket is just there, inviting him to just lift his arm and toss what he has left of Jinyoung’s affection with a flick of his wrist.
The dim light of his lamp falls upon the highlighter he had handed to Jinyoung a few days before he had an exam to take.
(“I rocked that test.” Jinyoung announces happily as he straddles Jaebum, pinning him into his mattress. “I have to thank you, hyung.” His hands move to the older boy’s belt, undoing the buckle with practiced finesse before artlessly getting on his knees.
Jaebum eventually shudders to completion down Jinyoung’s throat, fingers woven into his dark hair; who then sits up and proceeds to lap up every trace of pearly white liquid that he had not swallowed prior off Jaebum’s stomach, like a cat enjoying a saucer of cream.
If this was Jinyoung’s method of reward and punishment, then he would gladly roll on his back and jump through hoops of fire for the younger boy.)
He seizes the marker and hurls it into the waste basket with as much force his anger feeds him and it hits the metal bottom with a satisfying cluck.
The pleasure is short-lived; he scrambles to unearth the highlighter from under balled-up papers and the odd chewing gum wrapper before dusting it off and returning it with tears in his eyes to its rightful place at the upper right hand corner of his desk.
Jaebum settles back into his pillows, not bothering to wipe at his face, praying desperately for sleep to come quickly and numb out the ache in his chest.
***
I see oceans in your eyes.
(Are you here to grant eternity in your arms?
I'm adrift on a raft of borrowed luck.)
I fear you cannot see forever in mine.
***
The room is bright with sunlight when Jaebum startles awake in his bed, he is alone with not even Nora curled up at the foot of his bed to keep him company. Where he had expected Jinyoung to be, he finds only a cold spot beside him.
Before he has time to bury his head in his hands and lament his fate (as he had done each time he had awakened solitary ever since Jinyoung had walked out of his dorm room and out of his life), his fury kicks in; he jumps out of bed and reaches for the nearest clothing he can lay his hands on.
You can’t just walk away from me a second time without explanation, Jinyoung. he says to himself, footsteps thundering on the hardwood floor as he rushes past his dorm mates. I will get an answer from you this time.
***
Jaebum is powered by adrenaline as he sprints down the incline, he trips and nearly falls but catches himself in time. Now was not really the time to earn a sprained ankle or fractured arm.
He reaches Jinyoung’s dorm building and enters without much delay from the other occupants, who recognize him by face and name. Jaebum is in front of Jinyoung’s door within minutes. Fear grips him and he realizes he can’t lift his hand to knock.
Taking a few calming breaths, he tries the knob. The door gives way-it wasn’t locked in the first place.
“Jinyoung-ah?”
The laptop is open and it’s playing the video he saved in the thumb drive he was too shy to hand to Jinyoung in person. So he left it, in the one place that he was sure Jinyoung would see last-the bookshelf.
His heart drops to his toes when he catches sight of Jinyoung curled up into a ball, tear-stained cheek pressed against his duvet, sobbing brokenly.
***
“I want you back.” Jinyoung says, almost too soft to be heard but Jaebum hears them loud and clear. He stares dumbfounded, letting the words sink in.
Is it for good? He wants to ask but the question is stuck in his throat. He can’t risk Jinyoung saying no. He can’t risk scaring Jinyoung back into the unknown he had retreated into.
I’ll take you; today, tomorrow, your terms.
Anyway I can have you.
Even if you just mean tonight.
***
Jinyoung swears loudly and starts to pull away from his embrace, cold panic unfolds rapidly in Jaebum’s stomach. The next thing he knows, his pride is out the window and he is reduced to pleading. Something he’s never done in any of his previous failed relationships, and most certainly not with Jinyoung, romantic or otherwise.
Love makes you do crazy things. His own mind mocks him, the bitter vein of his thoughts hitting home.
The old adage is trite as hell but here he is.
Begging for one more chance to hold Jinyoung.
He wrenches Jinyoung back to him and brands searing hot bruises onto his mouth with his own. He devours him like a man gone for days without water and Jinyoung is a fountain overflowing sweet and cold with it; clutches at Jinyoung as if a sudden gust of wind will blow him out of reach.
He has touched Jinyoung’s body in more ways than he can count; thought that he already has him all figured out, it’s absolutely absurd how Jinyoung still manages to catch him by surprise with his response.
The exact same way he never knew his affection for Jinyoung had grown to achingly torturous desire until it hit him right in the face.
The laughter in his head is derisive, telling him he’s a fool for letting Jinyoung just waltz back into his life but he ignores it in favor of melting the freezing ache in his chest with Jinyoung’s touch.
***
"I thought I could just get you out of my system! One more hit just so I wouldn't go insane thinking about you!" More tears leak out of Jinyoung's eyes as he tries to get his point across without yelling.
Jaebum runs his hands through his hair in frustration. "One last night and then what? Huh, Jin? What?" His teeth and jaw are set, in an attempt not to raise the volume of his voice more than necessary.
Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, just watching Jaebum’s chest rise and fall with labored breath. "Last night. Last night," He stalks back slowly, step by step, to Jinyoung as he speaks, “Did you know how glad I was that the boy I loved since probably forever comes back to me?"
Jaebum looks right at him, Jinyoung can only bite his lip and breathe noisily through his mouth. His words make little incisions on his heart, they are not deep but they sting. "I lead him back to my bed, thinking that this time will be different. May this time, he’ll stay."
"But same shit, I make you scream my name as I fuck you open but I wake up this morning as alone as the day you walked out on me." Jaebum has caged him in his swivel chair with his arms, he can't run away in the face of the guilt Jaebum is burning into his conscience. "No note, no explanation, not even a fucking text to tell me goodbye."
"I deserved to know, Jin!”
Heart laid out on the floor, Jaebum runs out of steam. He releases Jinyoung and crumples into a nearby chair, burying his head in his hands.
"You were always too good for me, Jin. Maybe I was asking too much by liking you, loving you. They were right. I don’t deserve you."
If Jaebum's intensity had shocked him speechless earlier, then his words now struck Jinyoung dumb. Jinyoung stares hard at Jaebum's jet black hair, willing him to look at him once more. He doesn't, wallowing in self-pity and defeat.
Jinyoung rises from his seat and makes his way to Jaebum. "That's not true, Jae." He grips at Jaebum's wrists and forces him to look at him, to see the sincerity and apology in his gaze.“I just wanted you to be happy."
“I was, Jin. I was.” His hands travel to Jinyoung's arms to his neck, cradling Jinyoung’s face. “You made me happy. More than you know.”
Jinyoung trembles under his touch, he's missed this, missed Jaebum. "I thought I didn't have the right to make you happy, let alone stay with you."
"I love you, Jin. Let me stay with you. Let me make you happy." He whispers against Jinyoung's collarbone. "Stay with me, you already make me happy."
Jinyoung's tears resurface with a vengeance and he lays his cheek on the older boy's neck as he sobs gratefully.
Their story isn't perfect, but who needs perfection when he has Im Jaebum in his arms once again, this time for good.
***
"What about Jiyeon?"
Jaebum is startled by Jinyoung's question, they had settled on the bed, drawing lazy patterns on each other's bare skin.
"What about her?"
“You were with her every time I- every time I saw you.”
“She liked me.”
"..."
"I wanted to move on,"
"..."
“But she isn’t you.”
“So, can we start over?”
"..."
"..."
"No."
"..."
"Let's pick up...where we left off."
Jinyoung shifts his weight and presses a soft kiss on his lips, which Jaebum gladly accepts with a smile.
"Deal."
***
But for one thing, they are wrong.
It is I that does not deserve you.
Fin.
A/N:
i apologize for my shit "poetry". i'm such trash.
originally dedicated to a number of people whose work kept my jjp feels alive since day one: noisestorms, xfragments, symmetrophobic, amelioratedays, lahdeehdah000 and gotchick (but now it’s crap and I am so unworthy.)
and to nahonjaireoke, venerately, jkcanyounot, hipployta
the idea to write in jb’s pov came as soon as nightlight was finished but I never got around to finishing it due to hell week and finals (+ my dad always borrowing my ipad as soon as I got home for summer)
Feel free to comment if you liked this (or hated it, I’m open for critique), if you just want to ask a couple of questions or if you wanna be friends (i have no one to spazz kpop with irl. You guys are all I have!)
playlist:
Frozen in time - Sunmi ft. Jackson
Sorry - Wonder Girls
Goodnight - Cher Lloyd
If I Could Change Your Mind
Running if You Call My Name } Haim
Thank you for reading!