(no subject)
I try not to make rash decisions. Every decision needs to be well thought out. I agonized over leaving Cortney for months. M O N T H S. Sometimes I feel like I didn't try hard enough. How do you walk out on a marriage? How do you marry someone, commit to LIFE with them, and then throw it all away? But I did. I had been with Cortney since I was 13. He was the only one by my side throughout foster care. He loved me, and I loved him. Sometimes I think he was my saviour, the only thing that kept me going. I can't imagine life without him on this earth. Even as much as this year, we he was having a very depressed moment in his life, I got out of my warm bed at 2 in the morning, and rushed to his place. Our love is often misunderstood. He helped me become who I am, and I will forever be grateful to him. We produced one of the most amazing children I've ever encountered. I don't regret one second of our relationship. Obviously, if you know us, we would have ended up divorced, at some point or another. We're both gay. Who knew?
The day after I left Cortney, I wanted to go back home. I was 22, and living on my own for the first time EVER...with a child. I was scared shitless. I had no job, no money, no family support. I asked Cortney if I could come back home, and he said no. To this day, that was the most devastating break up of my life. Important life lessons were learned. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. It took a full eight months before I could even look at another person in a sexual way.
Our separation and eventual divorce was one of the worst times in my life. I had never experienced a death before, and my divorce was definitely a death. I think because of this, in my latter relationships, I've tended to keep parts of myself guarded. No matter what, I will never be hurt that way again. And I haven't. Sure, I've been hurt, but not to that magnitude.
I'm not sure of the path that I'm supposed to take, not sure where the one I choose will lead me. But whatever conflict I have in my life, whatever I feel at this exact moment, it doesn't matter. I'm older, and hopefully wiser. I wouldn't throw Leslie and my's relationship down the toilet without a fight. Leslie's worried, and I know she is. And I can't promise forever. I can't, no matter how much I may want to, I've done that before, and it just doesn't happen.
Leslie is so amazing to me. Anyone that doesn't know her, probably doesn't see it. No one has ever treated me the way that she does. Today, at Nate's soccer game, he ran up and jumped in her arms. We're a family. I need to not be so self-centered and worried about my own gratification. I'll find my way...
The day after I left Cortney, I wanted to go back home. I was 22, and living on my own for the first time EVER...with a child. I was scared shitless. I had no job, no money, no family support. I asked Cortney if I could come back home, and he said no. To this day, that was the most devastating break up of my life. Important life lessons were learned. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. It took a full eight months before I could even look at another person in a sexual way.
Our separation and eventual divorce was one of the worst times in my life. I had never experienced a death before, and my divorce was definitely a death. I think because of this, in my latter relationships, I've tended to keep parts of myself guarded. No matter what, I will never be hurt that way again. And I haven't. Sure, I've been hurt, but not to that magnitude.
I'm not sure of the path that I'm supposed to take, not sure where the one I choose will lead me. But whatever conflict I have in my life, whatever I feel at this exact moment, it doesn't matter. I'm older, and hopefully wiser. I wouldn't throw Leslie and my's relationship down the toilet without a fight. Leslie's worried, and I know she is. And I can't promise forever. I can't, no matter how much I may want to, I've done that before, and it just doesn't happen.
Leslie is so amazing to me. Anyone that doesn't know her, probably doesn't see it. No one has ever treated me the way that she does. Today, at Nate's soccer game, he ran up and jumped in her arms. We're a family. I need to not be so self-centered and worried about my own gratification. I'll find my way...