the show goes on
You know that feeling that you get when out of nowhere, you suddenly get the feeling like you're doing the wrongest things in life ever? Because I woke up today and had this nagging feeling that I am completely unhappy with the way my life is going.
My God, you guys. I'm not doing anything in life my way. I don't like the subjects I'm studying -I hate them, omg I hate them so much you have no idea-, the idea of going for lectures every morning make me sick in my guts; I don't like the picture I see in my head of myself in ten years to come, I'm not even sure I like myself now because I looked in the mirror today and I went, "What the hell happened to me?"
I've been making all my steps based on how I think my dad would feel, if he'd approve or if he'd be disappointed in me, since before I can even remember. I don't think I've ever been the one making decisions by myself at all. And I'm not complaining that my dad's a tyrant or anything. It's good that he cares enough to want to help me plan out every step of my life, it might have been worse if he didn't love me enough to care, but I just feel so suffocated all of the time. I talked to him the other night and he was comparing me to another cousin of mine (I'm pretty sure he isn't even aware that all this talk of how other people are doing better than me is making me feel horrid about myself 80% of the time), and I just kept on feeling so frustrated and when I got off the phone, I cried so hard for so long. I just. I don't know. It's hard, living like this.
And my roomie was here to witness my breakdown this morning, and she kept on going it's okay, it's okay but she's wrong. D: I don't say this to anyone, and certainly not people I know irl, but I'm not okay. I'm not sure I've ever been okay. I'm so sick of following what people tell me to do and doing things just to please people and never doings things for myself and I just want it to stop.