(no subject)
Last night, after I talked to some people's, I realized that I have some of the coolest friends in the world. And they all deserve shout-outs. Now watch out, this list might be kinda long.
Liev, I <3 you. And I'm glad we finally got to talk tonight. Thursday = Bahama's and we're gonna have so much fun. You don't even know. Can you handle the lush? *laughs* Muah.
Eliza, can't wait for tomorrow night. Glad we finally got to talk too, sista slaya. And, *smiles*, just remember not to hold back. Love ya' muches.
Neve, my greatest conversation last night was with you. I didn't realize I had missed out on so much. I also didn't realize that you had gone through so many of the same things as I had. You're much braver than I am in some respects. Can't wait to see you Halloween.
Oh, wow, I lied. My list is a short one. Because I have no friends. It's probably my fault; but as I said to Neve last night, it was better for me to be alone for a month than to be here. Honestly, I don't even know who's here anymore. I bet my list of numbers is super outdated. *frowns*
Dushku asked me last night why I had left for those few weeks. I thought about it, and this is what I told her. After Ryan left me, I stayed in a state of denial for weeks. Sure, sometimes I would wake up and know it had happened, but nine days out of ten, I just didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe he'd come back, or I was dreaming, or whatever. I did everything and anything to get my mind off it, and for a while I actually thought I was happy. But while I was in Madrid visiting Rose, it just sorta hit me that he wasn't there with me. And he would never be anywhere with me again. He had left, just like Freddie did, and I was all alone once again. I don't konw if Rose actually knew, but I wasn't sick the one day we had decided to go out and do some sight-seeing. I actually stayed in the bedroom and cried my little eyes out like the baby I am. *laughs slightly* I just couldn't be strong anymore. I had been strong with Fred. I told Neve last night, and while I'm not exactly going to go into detail, I would've done anything to keep Freddie, and I pretty much did. It just wasn't enough I guess. And I wasn't strong enough to put my heart on the line like that again with Ry. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, whatever. You evidently haven't experience real love. Real, blinding love, that makes you forget about yourself and everyone else. All you care about is that love, and without it, you're sure you'll die. But you sometimes feel like you might die even when you do have it, it's that powerful. And then when you lose it, a part of you does die.
After Fred though, I learned that I had to move on and be ready for whatever came next. And while I'm definately not at that stage yet, I will be soon. I'll wake up one morning and know that I'm ready to move on with my life. I'll be happy with myself and ready to go back out into the world. Until then, Neve and I are joining a nunnery. We look good in black and white.