(no subject)
I wish I knew what to write to make it easier to process. I wish that I could post something all sentimental and understanding and perfectly nostalgic that could be added to the "we miss her but look up" theme that some take when faced with loss.
But I can't. God I can't.
I'm so angry. But worse is I get SO angry that when I try to think of it I feel like I'm falling and like something's choking me and I can't really compute it so I run away to the feeling that this is a lie. A horrible awful lie. There's no way she'd kill herself. There's no fucking way. It had to be an accident. Or ... something. And she was in there and no one knew. That's the part that makes me want to curl up and cry. She was in there and none of us knew. God I can't imagine being in Kell-y's shoes. I can't imagine walking into my friends room to wake her up to stop her alarm... and instead finding her dead. My fucking God. This isn't real and it's a fucking mistake.
And then I get angry. And then I hate myself for not calling her more often. And I find I'm angry and crying because of every way I failed her. Just like Erin goes from quiet calm to hysterics at the thought that we should have known. And then I think - she was so fucking strong I didn't suspect. My god I never suspected or would have thought. She was so damn strong how could this have happened. How did we not know?
She had a lot of difficulties but she always acted fine.
I can't imagine going to another party and not hugging her. Not doing our little joke where we fight for being taller then the other. I won't ever hear her make jokes that she loves being taller then someone and that she's going to keep me. I am never going to hear her threaten to hit me for having doubt in how beautiful I am- even when I feel ugly as hell. I miss her. We all do. And I find myself stifling my reaction because I don't know what to do. And Erin's so upset I want to be there for her. Maybe I'll be brave enough to face it later. But right now I feel like I'm choking on air.