Star Wars: the Rise of Surnames
Let me present some Star Wars, a last parody from a galaxy far away! As in this movie there seemed confusion whether Kylo Ren was shortened to Kylo or Ren, I’m going to split the difference and refer to Han Solo and Princess Leia’s evil son by Ben, his Past and Future name, throughout. Let it be known I have no personal strong pairings aside from John Boyega/Screentime, but nor do I dislike any ships!
STAR WARS: 2 dudes in a dark and stormy wood… and both of them were evil…
PALPATINE: muahaha evil has rendered me all powerful.
BEN: yikes, my guy, your face is all rotting, also your fingers have rotted clean off. Not to zombie shame, but ew.
PALPATINE: I have transcended death and have a vast evil army!
BEN: but like… at what cost?
PALPATINE: I died before…
BEN: do you wanna clarify that?
PALPATINE: the dark side does not clarify
PALPATINE: I grew your old alien master Snoke in a vat…
BEN: why did you make spares. Is this an evil overlord pyramid scheme
BEN: so in the force I was catfished by not one but two elderly predators?
BEN: not to criticize Princess Leia, but I feel my force time should have been better monitored as a child.
PALPATINE: none know I survived to this day!
PALPATINE: except I just told them all in a space blog post that went viral.
PALPATINE: Anyway I want you to kill Rey and be emperor of the universe.
BEN: thanks but Rey and I are in a pretty serious and committed relationship? As soon as she un-Force-blocks me, the wedding is back ON.
FINN & POE: pew pew pew
POE: lemme enact a daring move that may be fatal
FINN: doubtful! it’s the start of the movie
REY: be with me…
REY: just looking for a connection to be honest
REY: to be even more honest, tho he did not give good proposal and did give far too good mass murder, kind of missing bae.
REY: He was very committed to being with me. Remorseless stalking through several darkened woods occurred.
LEIA: be patient
LEIA: with the force. And my son. And my cgi presence causing awkward scenes
REY: I’ll try.
POE & REY: fight
AUDIENCE: are they in love…?
FINN: no Poe is just bad tempered
FINN: I mean never with me! Because I’m too lovely and handsome.
EVERYONE: how did Palpatine return?
DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: dark science
DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: like regular science… but DARK.
REY: I gotta go on a quest for an evil Mcguffin to get to planet evil to defeat Palpatine. I can elaborate.
EVERYONE: please don’t.
BEN: does my butt look big in this mask
EVIL COUNCIL: no supreme leader
EVIL COUNCIL: svelte and willowy as ever, o supreme leader.
FINN: come be on our quest Rose, good friend and recent make-out partner.
ROSE: can’t, it’s in the script.
FINN: what’s in the script
ROSE: not me, that’s for sure.
BEN: I will become emperor but first things first…
EVIL COUNCIL: o god don’t say it
BEN: my girlfriend!
BEN: also there’s a spy
EVIL COUNCIL: we must find them!
BEN: but first things first--
EVIL COUNCIL: why are you like this
BEN: MY GIRLFRIEND!
RANDO ALIEN: what’s your surname
REY: I don’t have one!!!
FINN: I don’t have one either, but nobody ever asks.
BEN: just a quick force call to ask why do u leave my force messages on read?
REY: Palpatine wants you to kill me.
BEN: alternate plan! Let’s get married!
BEN: you wanted to take my hand so you must want to be dark empress of the galaxy, remember?
REY: read at 4:15 am
LANDO: I’m here on Mcguffin desert island for one reason…
REY: to help us on our quest
LANDO: nostalgia.
REY: as we were sinking into space quicksand you said you’d never told me…
FINN: I don’t wanna say it in front of Poe
REY: that must mean it was romantic as why would you hesitate to say you were Force sensitive in front of Poe, your bff and Leia’s no 1 fan?
FINN: that‘s a valid question. Let’s never really address my dying proclamation again.
REY: lemme Force heal this serpent real quick
SERPENT: now I will follow u and be loyal to u like the lion who had a thorn taken from its paw
REY: u can’t, we’re going to space to give a robot amnesia so he can translate the instruction manual to our evil mcguffin
SERPENT: uh… good luck with that.
FINN: Rey, evildoers have kidnapped Chewbacca!
REY: evildoers have also shown up in front of me wearing three piece black evil suits in the desert
REY: why are you like this?
BEN: many wonder.
REY: I must Force control that ship with Chewbacca on it
BEN: no I must! Chewbacca is my last father figure, I must kill the whole set.
REY: I destroyed the ship with lightning! Weird and tragic
EVIL COUNCIL : oh no, that was randomly a totally different ship lol!
EVIL COUNCIL: we’re not about destroying beloved icons of the original trilogy! Chewbacca is our bread and butter. Put him safely in the brig!
POE: I have a backstory about being a smuggler just like Han Solo!
AUDIENCE: really? Our Latino lead?
POE: JUST like Han Solo
SOME LADY: I’m your old flame, Heterosexual Bliss.
POE: my criminal past was so sexy!
REY: I have visions of a dark throne. I’m on it. Kylo Ren is on it.
FINN: how big is this throne
FINN: is this a sitting in laps situation
C3PO: oh no amnesia
NEW TINY ROBOT: I love boundaries! PS buy me.
HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: I have a plot coupon for safe passage through space
POE: we’re main characters we need plot coupons
HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: why would I give it to you?
POE: I have great hair.
POE: anyway I have this plot coupon to rescue Chewbacca with!
REY: now we’re on this evil spaceship we must split up
REY: just have this strong feeling I should go to the supreme leaders quarters
REY: must be Force intuition
FINN: is that what they’re calling it these days?
POE: no doubt we won’t need your superpowers of hypnosis
POE & FINN: are instantly captured
BEN: there’s a girl in my quarters! DON’T LET HER GET AWAY!
STORMTROOPERS: why is he like this.
BEN: I never lied to you, your parents did trade you for drink money!
BEN: selling kids into desert slavery is a good way to protect them.
REY: … they must have been VERY drunk.
BEN: you see Palpatine is your evil grandpa!
BEN: evil grandpas. We have so much in common, babe!
BEN: totally a force soulmates situation if you ask me.
BEN: raising children in cupboards is another very good and ethical way to protect a protagonist child, while giving them a tragic backstory. It is known.
BEN: now pls stay in my quarters so we can talk in person… in my quarters… very important…
REY: is the Force telling you this
BEN: um. totally.
HUX: let me help you escape, I’m the spy, nobody hates the boss like middle management.
SARAH: I predicted Hux emailing the Resistance .5 seconds after Ben became leader!!!
REY: daring escape
BEN: don’t go bae!
FINN: ???
REY: he said my name, just Rey, that’s my name
FINN: I guess that makes sense.
A LADY ON MCGUFFIN ISLAND: I’d like to be the lady assigned to Finn
AUDIENCE: who wouldn’t???
FINN: why couldn’t it be Rose?
LADY: I’m a former stormtrooper like you!
FINN: omg are we getting a plotline about me inspiring stormtrooper rebellion?
LADY: I deserted because I had a feeling killing people was wrong. It must be our conscience!
FINN: It must be the Force!
LADY: do you need the Force to know killing people is wrong?
LADY (whose name is Janna): also I thought Kylo Ren had the Force…?
JANNA: the Force sure did not give him that memo.
POE: let’s just let Rey go get the Mcguffin on her own she’s always running off on her own for some tall dark reason…
FINN: Poe be sympathetic! Imagine you were having Force visions of yourself in Kylo Ren’s lap!
POE: I would strongly prefer not to.
REY: I just got finished fighting a dark vision of myself!
BEN: you couldn’t… like do it again? So I could watch?
REY: no!
BEN: then I’m destroying this evil Mcguffin
REY: don’t do it!
BEN: I just don’t like them as plot devices! I just don’t!
FINN: REY!
BEN: that handsome rebel keeps yelling your name
REY: that’s kind of his whole thing.
LEIA: I must use up my own life Force to distract my son during his duel with Rey
REY: stabs him
BEN: thanks mom, very supportive.
BEN: my space soccer matches all over again.
REY: stabs Ben
REY: heals Ben
REY: this relationship is a whirlwind
BEN: I don’t get it, if you don’t wanna be dark empress why did you want to take my hand? I can’t think of a single reason…
REY: I’m interested in you romantically!
BEN: wow that never even occurred to…
BEN: and you have seen Finn, yes?
BEN: I mean you’re making a terrible mistake, but thank you so much.
POE: now Leia has passed and I am general, do me the honor of accepting my hand in co-generalship!
FINN: general
POE: general
AUDIENCE: general desire for their embrace
BEN: wow hallucination of my dad, I’ve made so many mistakes… like killing so many people. Like SO many, including you. But I love you! And I’m sorry. But… so many people died.
HAN SOLO: Believe me. I KNOW.
BEN: I must fight evil!
SHADE OF HAN SOLO: yay great decision I love you
BEN: in preparation for a fight, let me throw away my lightsaber! And take off my armor!
SHADE OF HAN SOLO: son, you are tall but not smart.
PALPATINE: just hanging around doing evil stuff. Creating ships that destroy planets.
AUDIENCE: does evil never have any other plan
PALPATINE: nothing beats the classics.
REY: I’m going to destroy my spaceship! And my lightsaber! And everything useful I own!
AUDIENCE: Wow. Rey and Ben ARE soulmates.
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: there’s no need to live in an isolated hermitage here…
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: do as I say not what I do! That’s the essence of teaching.
GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: here’s Leia’s saber. She gave it up because she feared it would end in her sons death, but she hoped someday someone would finish her journey…
REY: to her son’s death…?
LUKE: back in the day when Ben had colic, we were all sleep deprived and cranky.
FINN & POE: lets follow Rey and attack planet evil! This time people will come help us!
TEAM GOOD: why this time
FINN & POE: because this is the last movie!
PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really to have Kylo Ren kill you…
REY: what if he had?
BEN: Palpatine had faith in my incompetence and my huge crush I guess.
REY: that’s fair
PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really for you to kill me and become dark empress…
REY: what if I had tho
PALPATINE: I dunno. My plans tend to work out. My REAL plan is for us to become one…
REY: Genuinely feels like you’re just winging it at this point, Grandpa.
PALPATINE: Think of it like brainstorming with lightning.
WAR: pew pew pew
FINN: I will do a risky thing! Trust me I have the Force… and charisma.
BEN: you’re descended from heroes Rey
REY: my parents who were actually good?
BEN: and whatever lady got down with Palpatine.
BEN: such bravery
BEN: a true legend
BEN: I’m just going to kill my own guard to get to my lady!
KNIGHTS OF REN: We know we are evil minions but you have consistently been the WORST boss of all time.
BEN: and why spoil a perfect record!
REY: let’s defeat evil together Ben!
PALPATINE: actually Imma use your force soulmate bond to grow back my fingers and rule!
REY: is that your FINAL plan
PALPATINE: who knows. They just come to me.
POE: perhaps all is lost
EVIL COUNCIL: oh nope civilians are coming in spaceships like the civilians who rescued soldiers on D Day in that inspiring historical legend…
EVIL COUNCIL: but even cooler, because in space.
PALPATINE: I am invincible! Gonna grow back my fingers and throw Ben into a pit! Your move!
REY: I’m going to defeat you via not hating you.
PALPATINE: So you’re going to try and love your grandpa?
REY: Ew, no. I’m gonna kill you but in like, a pure way.
JEDI GHOSTS: woo Rey! Rise Rey!
BEN, IN A PIT: lil help with that rising thing
JEDI GHOSTS: new phone who dis?
BEN: … never mind I’ll do it myself.
BEN: Oops it appears my lady has killed herself and Palpatine with the Force.
BEN: Cute how she thinks death will get her out of this relationship.
BEN: resurrects Rey with the Force
REY: I love the new you!
BEN: literally anything would’ve been an improvement on the old me.
REY: I’m gonna make out with your face.
BEN: first base was 100% worth dying for.
REY: what do you…? Oh I see.
BEN: fading away
REY: if you hadn’t used the Force on your hair so much… maybe there would be enough Force for us to both live.
BEN: no Rey.
BEN: the hair was worth it.
BEN: disappears
REY: he had many personal failings, but the hair was great.
AUDIENCE: Seriously cannot believe we were deprived of the absolute comedy gold of Poe and Finn’s faces when Rey came home on her evil boyfriend’s arm.
REY: Guys, great defeating-and definitely not smooching-evil! Group hug!
POE & REY: we love our friends so much…
POE & REY: Especially Finn.
RANDOM LADY: what’s your surname?
REY: Rey Skywalker, as if Luke and Leia were my parents!
AUDIENCE: Seems like Rey might not know an important Star Wars fact… Luke and Leia being brother and sister came as a surprise to us all once…
FINN, YELLING FROM ANOTHER PLANET: Seriously, why do space randos never demand my surname? Why is it always Rey?
If you liked this parody, I am very happy! I don’t have a tip jar, but I do have a new Chilling Adventures of Sabrina book out, in which demon princes are fought and satanic hotties are taught about mortal dating customs.