Dump that shit. This is an old steamboat vent.
This is now my dumping grounds for all my unhealthy thoughts. I know they are unhealthy. Readers beware.
Sometimes, like now, I think that I am a horrible person. I'm a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, and just all around stupid. I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my head. They make me want to just go lay down and die. The only thing that really keeps me going when I'm thinking these things is Andrew. He is the light in my life when all other lights go out. I can't force him to grow up without a real mother, like I did.
The two most depressing things on my mind right now are how my boyfriend makes me feel and how I now feel about one of my best friends.
Apparently, I am a bully. Never thought I would ever be called this. I grew up teased and tormented by some schoolmates and always said I wouldn't be like that. Sometimes I tease my friends in what I feel is a lighthearted and innocent manner. And it is suddenly, finally, admitted to me that these things are hurtful. No one ever told me this before, and apparently "it's not like [I] would listen anyways". WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously? I've been saying these things to you literally for YEARS and you never sat me down and told me I was hurting you? AWKWARD! I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I want to cry because I hurt a friend.
Next up is Brandon. I pretty much feel like an idiot no matter what I say around him. He is so condescending sometimes and it drives me nuts. For the last couple years I've been having something of a short-term memory issue... I mis-remember how fights happen or things that I say. Brandon constantly calls me on it, even when it comes to little things that don't fucking matter like what time he works. Oh, you already told me 3 days ago? SO WHAT? Just tell me again! JESUS.
My self-esteem is at an all-time low.
Sometimes, like now, I think that I am a horrible person. I'm a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, and just all around stupid. I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my head. They make me want to just go lay down and die. The only thing that really keeps me going when I'm thinking these things is Andrew. He is the light in my life when all other lights go out. I can't force him to grow up without a real mother, like I did.
The two most depressing things on my mind right now are how my boyfriend makes me feel and how I now feel about one of my best friends.
Apparently, I am a bully. Never thought I would ever be called this. I grew up teased and tormented by some schoolmates and always said I wouldn't be like that. Sometimes I tease my friends in what I feel is a lighthearted and innocent manner. And it is suddenly, finally, admitted to me that these things are hurtful. No one ever told me this before, and apparently "it's not like [I] would listen anyways". WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously? I've been saying these things to you literally for YEARS and you never sat me down and told me I was hurting you? AWKWARD! I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I want to cry because I hurt a friend.
Next up is Brandon. I pretty much feel like an idiot no matter what I say around him. He is so condescending sometimes and it drives me nuts. For the last couple years I've been having something of a short-term memory issue... I mis-remember how fights happen or things that I say. Brandon constantly calls me on it, even when it comes to little things that don't fucking matter like what time he works. Oh, you already told me 3 days ago? SO WHAT? Just tell me again! JESUS.
My self-esteem is at an all-time low.