vent.
sorry for completely interrupting my post about the project, but i just need someplace to feel safe again.
i started my period and i feel like complete shit. for the past 3 weeks i was the happiest i've ever been in a long time and this has ruined it all. i have decent days at school because of amanda but then i get home and have to face reality and everything just seems to turn black before my eyes, if that makes sense.
high school is not what it's cracked up to be. i am really hating it with one exception that i won't mention.
i feel like i can't speak publicly [spelling?] anymore for fear that i sound like an idiot. i just feel so small all of the sudden. as if someone can just come along and tell me my opinion is actually wrong and they'll be right. and then all my thoughts would just suddenly disappear and i would turn into some brainwashed clone like the rest of the kids at my school. i really can't let that happen so i've been keeping my mouth shut. at least for a few more days.
i also feel like i need to be noticed again which is completely contradictory. i can't wait until thursday. i'm going to miss band immensely. it's my only escape where i can be loud and obnoxious and have all my friends just scream and sing right alongside me. i can't wait until next year. i promise i won't let it slip by so quickly.
everything's falling into place for all my friends and i just feel so.... jagged. like nothing will ever go right. and before, that seemed perfectly okay but now everything's hitting me and i realize that i need to get some things in my life straightened out.
last night i just felt so depressed and alone. i got into a small tiff with my parents and i ended up on my bathroom floor, the water in my shower running, but i was curled into a ball, just crying and crying. it was like everything bad that's ever happened that i hadn't cried about just came rushing out and i couldn't stop. i was gripping the sides of the bathtub for dear life, just waiting for the wave of depression to pass. it wouldn't for what seemed like an hour, and when it finally did, i had just enough strength to step into the shower and let the water run down my tear-streaked face. it didn't help much, but at least i went to bed that night with a little more self-confidence.
i don't know who to turn to anymore. the one person who was always there for me last year seems so distant now. we get into arguments all the time over the dumbest things. i can't stand not having her there. it's like this stupid online journal is the only place i can express my feelings these days. i'm realizing more and more that i can't truly trust my friends. maybe i should. they've done nothing but let me in, and i can't seem to return their kindness. is there something wrong with me?
i need sleep. i haven't had caffeine in weeks and i can't seem to get over the withdrawal. i need a starbucks before i explode.
goodnight.
i started my period and i feel like complete shit. for the past 3 weeks i was the happiest i've ever been in a long time and this has ruined it all. i have decent days at school because of amanda but then i get home and have to face reality and everything just seems to turn black before my eyes, if that makes sense.
high school is not what it's cracked up to be. i am really hating it with one exception that i won't mention.
i feel like i can't speak publicly [spelling?] anymore for fear that i sound like an idiot. i just feel so small all of the sudden. as if someone can just come along and tell me my opinion is actually wrong and they'll be right. and then all my thoughts would just suddenly disappear and i would turn into some brainwashed clone like the rest of the kids at my school. i really can't let that happen so i've been keeping my mouth shut. at least for a few more days.
i also feel like i need to be noticed again which is completely contradictory. i can't wait until thursday. i'm going to miss band immensely. it's my only escape where i can be loud and obnoxious and have all my friends just scream and sing right alongside me. i can't wait until next year. i promise i won't let it slip by so quickly.
everything's falling into place for all my friends and i just feel so.... jagged. like nothing will ever go right. and before, that seemed perfectly okay but now everything's hitting me and i realize that i need to get some things in my life straightened out.
last night i just felt so depressed and alone. i got into a small tiff with my parents and i ended up on my bathroom floor, the water in my shower running, but i was curled into a ball, just crying and crying. it was like everything bad that's ever happened that i hadn't cried about just came rushing out and i couldn't stop. i was gripping the sides of the bathtub for dear life, just waiting for the wave of depression to pass. it wouldn't for what seemed like an hour, and when it finally did, i had just enough strength to step into the shower and let the water run down my tear-streaked face. it didn't help much, but at least i went to bed that night with a little more self-confidence.
i don't know who to turn to anymore. the one person who was always there for me last year seems so distant now. we get into arguments all the time over the dumbest things. i can't stand not having her there. it's like this stupid online journal is the only place i can express my feelings these days. i'm realizing more and more that i can't truly trust my friends. maybe i should. they've done nothing but let me in, and i can't seem to return their kindness. is there something wrong with me?
i need sleep. i haven't had caffeine in weeks and i can't seem to get over the withdrawal. i need a starbucks before i explode.
goodnight.