at the risk of...
well at the risk of sounding totally emo or dramatic or over the top or whatever i can't help feeling these things. last night as well as tonight it seems i am unable to sleep. not sure of most of the cause of this but none the less its happening. i took a nyquil almost an hour ago to help me sleep and still nothing. i didn't fall asleep this morning until 8. something is wrong. perhaps its this new...i can't be your friend anymore thing. but maybe its more.....
i had a long talk with my mom this morning about whats going on. and for some reason everything seemed to come out of me. whats bothering me now....whats never stopped bothering me....what i fear is coming. it just came out. perhaps it was the lack of sleep and complete state of well whatever you call it but i couldn't stop. no matter how much i knew i didn't want to admit any of it. well this is mostly what i said to her...
i feel broken. its been so long since i've felt whole and i don't know what can fix it anymore. i dont know how. i don't know if i can. what i thought fixed it doesn't work for me anymore. the last time i felt whole was when jeff was still around. 5 years. you would think that 5 years would heal this wound. i don't trust god much any more. i don't trust me. i dont' trust my judgement in people. and i can't fix it. i'm so tired of being happy all the time. but i feel like if i show what i really felt like.....then well i wouldn't even be able to get out of bed i the morning. i don't deserve any of the good things that i have. i've done nothing good to deserve them. i don't feel like i do any good period.
i sit here and i wonder. can i make it as a human being? am i so broken that i can't make it in life. not make it as in being sucessful, being rich, famous...all that jazz...none of that. but just survive. be my own person. can i do that. i don't know. and that scares me. i'm broken. i feel it all the time. i pull myself together for the rest of the world to see...but as soon as i get by myself....i let all the pieces fall out. i'm so tired of hiding. i'm so tired of pretending. but i have to. i can't let the world see how broken i really am.
i'm sorry for this post...i just....i had to let it out somewhere. and writing it and deleting it wouldn't do me any good. i had to admit it. to someone...to perhaps no one. but now its there. ok well i'm going to try and sleep now. love. ciao.
i had a long talk with my mom this morning about whats going on. and for some reason everything seemed to come out of me. whats bothering me now....whats never stopped bothering me....what i fear is coming. it just came out. perhaps it was the lack of sleep and complete state of well whatever you call it but i couldn't stop. no matter how much i knew i didn't want to admit any of it. well this is mostly what i said to her...
i feel broken. its been so long since i've felt whole and i don't know what can fix it anymore. i dont know how. i don't know if i can. what i thought fixed it doesn't work for me anymore. the last time i felt whole was when jeff was still around. 5 years. you would think that 5 years would heal this wound. i don't trust god much any more. i don't trust me. i dont' trust my judgement in people. and i can't fix it. i'm so tired of being happy all the time. but i feel like if i show what i really felt like.....then well i wouldn't even be able to get out of bed i the morning. i don't deserve any of the good things that i have. i've done nothing good to deserve them. i don't feel like i do any good period.
i sit here and i wonder. can i make it as a human being? am i so broken that i can't make it in life. not make it as in being sucessful, being rich, famous...all that jazz...none of that. but just survive. be my own person. can i do that. i don't know. and that scares me. i'm broken. i feel it all the time. i pull myself together for the rest of the world to see...but as soon as i get by myself....i let all the pieces fall out. i'm so tired of hiding. i'm so tired of pretending. but i have to. i can't let the world see how broken i really am.
i'm sorry for this post...i just....i had to let it out somewhere. and writing it and deleting it wouldn't do me any good. i had to admit it. to someone...to perhaps no one. but now its there. ok well i'm going to try and sleep now. love. ciao.