I dunno...
A pretty good day on whole. I went to mass at Witherspoon, brunch at Fountain with Sarah T., Brian, Becky, Emily, and Courtney, Baroque stuff with Sarah T., back to Bagwell for a nap, fed up, dinner with people at Clark, hung out with Becky, and then helped Courtney.
I've really not been getting on well with one of my better friends from last year and it's really bothersome...I guess we're just too much alike, but I'm getting on her nerves a lot easier than before and vice versa. And the more I try to not lose my temper, the more I seem to not like hanging out with her...it just makes me sad 'cause she was pretty much the only reason I survived last year. It's so frustrating! I'll just keep working at it...it'll all come out in the wash or it won't, and that'll be that.
I hate going to bed anymore. I don't sleep well and I don't like this room--it's just where I happen to stay, it's not my home. I think I just feel like a plant that keeps getting transplanted from pot to pot. First, I lived at home where I was comfortable, in Syme with a roommate where my living condition was more or less forced on me, by myself which was really my space, Trisch and Steve's that really became my home--I loved living with them and it seemed like a family with my sister and her dogs, and now Bagwell with a roommate, and I just feel like this is a place to keep my clothes. I don't like spending all my time downstairs, but I hate being up here.
I've been trying to be optimistic and cheerful, but it's not helping a whole lot...I just want to be mean and sarcastic and just be my pessimistic own self. The only time I'm really happy is when I'm curled up in bed by myself reading an old book and not thinking or at the barn by myself with my horse and without people picking at me. I am happier than I was last year, but I want to be me again. I don't like who I am, and I want me back. I've been trying so hard to be nice and cheerful 'cause it really does make me feel better and I love making everyone else happy, but I've never been cheerful. More like content, quiet, and very serious. Now a ton of people seem to know me and I'm always saying hello to people on campus, but I just feel false. And I don't want to be a false person. I dunno...
from my calendar:
Lower sun brings darkness quickly. Cooler nights precede first frost surprise. Sap descends amid fruit fall--berries, nuts, and cones--abundant seeds for next orbit's needs. Migrators amass, feed, and restlessly chatter. Leaves flame and drop, make food and shelter. Insects dig down or die. Anticipation fuels overwintering animals to eat, build dens, and heard. Molting, morphing, camouflage: adaptions for coming change. First snows come to quiet land."
I've really not been getting on well with one of my better friends from last year and it's really bothersome...I guess we're just too much alike, but I'm getting on her nerves a lot easier than before and vice versa. And the more I try to not lose my temper, the more I seem to not like hanging out with her...it just makes me sad 'cause she was pretty much the only reason I survived last year. It's so frustrating! I'll just keep working at it...it'll all come out in the wash or it won't, and that'll be that.
I hate going to bed anymore. I don't sleep well and I don't like this room--it's just where I happen to stay, it's not my home. I think I just feel like a plant that keeps getting transplanted from pot to pot. First, I lived at home where I was comfortable, in Syme with a roommate where my living condition was more or less forced on me, by myself which was really my space, Trisch and Steve's that really became my home--I loved living with them and it seemed like a family with my sister and her dogs, and now Bagwell with a roommate, and I just feel like this is a place to keep my clothes. I don't like spending all my time downstairs, but I hate being up here.
I've been trying to be optimistic and cheerful, but it's not helping a whole lot...I just want to be mean and sarcastic and just be my pessimistic own self. The only time I'm really happy is when I'm curled up in bed by myself reading an old book and not thinking or at the barn by myself with my horse and without people picking at me. I am happier than I was last year, but I want to be me again. I don't like who I am, and I want me back. I've been trying so hard to be nice and cheerful 'cause it really does make me feel better and I love making everyone else happy, but I've never been cheerful. More like content, quiet, and very serious. Now a ton of people seem to know me and I'm always saying hello to people on campus, but I just feel false. And I don't want to be a false person. I dunno...
from my calendar:
Lower sun brings darkness quickly. Cooler nights precede first frost surprise. Sap descends amid fruit fall--berries, nuts, and cones--abundant seeds for next orbit's needs. Migrators amass, feed, and restlessly chatter. Leaves flame and drop, make food and shelter. Insects dig down or die. Anticipation fuels overwintering animals to eat, build dens, and heard. Molting, morphing, camouflage: adaptions for coming change. First snows come to quiet land."