it's been over a year?!?!
i guess i haven't posted in over a year. huh. oh well. i'm pretty sure no one even visits my journal any more, and that's why i'm posting. i want to write how i feel without anyone reading. i'm too lazy for a diary, so this will have to do.
danny left yesterday. i asked him to call me when he got to vegas, but he didn't. his phone has gone straight to voice mail, too, so i haven't been able to get ahold of him. he hasn't called his mom yet, either. i'm really worried. and i really shouldn't be. i'm sure he's fine and just doesn't care enough to call home. he's probably thinking that he's too old to check in with his parents and that i'm "acting like a girlfriend". whatever. i'm just really worried and i hope he's ok. god, i hope he's ok.
people at work have been trying to cheer me up. gina gave me a hug when i started crying after danny said goodbye. vince told belva he wanted to give me a hug yesterday because i seemed upset, but that it'd be inappropriate. jessica wants to me to hang out with her and vince and play tekken. belva wants me to drink wine with her. rebecca wants to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream since josh left, too. the johns both want to take me out, thinking it'll take my mind off danny. eric gave me a pat on the back and said i'll be ok. zach and joey asked if i was able to get ahold of danny and if he made it ok. ryan tried giving me kind words, telling me everything would be ok. and every one of them said that he'll be back soon.
i'm not sure if that's true.
in fact, danny's so stubborn, he'd stay there miserable just so he wouldn't have to come back to farmington. i'm not the biggest fan of farmington myself, but i've lived in worse places.
and i would love him to come back here. or for me to move there (a little more responsibly than how he moved, though). but he wants his space, and i honestly have to agree that he needs it. i've been acting like he did when we were dating. when i asked for space, he'd just get closer. and that's how i treated him.
i'd love for him to move back here and not even live with me. he could get his own place or live with his parents. just so long as i could hang out with him once in a while.
i miss him already, and the fucker has been gone for 28 hours. i miss his voice. i miss being able to tell him about things. i wish he'd answer his goddamn phone. god, i really hope he's ok.
and i really hope that everything goes well for him in vegas. i don't want him to go hungry because he spent his money on comic books. i don't want him to have to worry if he can pay rent or not. i don't want him to *have* to come back here. whatever he does or doesn't do, i want it to be because *he* wants to do it. because god knows if he HAS to come back, he'll just end up resenting farmington even more. and yeah, i'd like him to come back because he misses me.
but that's a small factor in how i feel. i'm going to be miserable either way. i hate all this noise. i hate not having my own space. i hate relying on people for rides even more than before (since i live farther away from work). i hate having my best friend live 8 hours away and won't answer his phone. i hate feeling so goddamn pathetic. but above all else, i hate the idea that danny may not succeed in vegas and not have learned anything. that he might lose everything and not learn a damn thing from it. he has a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over. and i don't want him to get hurt any more than he has to. yeah, no matter what happens he'll have a chance of being hurt somehow. and yeah, he may be fine in vegas. he may get a huge salary, have a great house, love his job, and die happier than any one before. or he may become a penniless hobo giving hand jobs for comics. most likely it'll be in between. i just don't think this is the best thing for him.
i wish he would have taken my advice and moved to albuquerque and gone to college or done something productive. but whatever. writing all the things i wish would have happened or could have happened or will happen won't do a damn thing to change the fact that i miss him. very much.
i read some of his old blogs. he loved me. and i fucked that up. and i can't stop kicking myself in the ass for it. but again, it's in the past and nothing i do or think now will change anything.
i wish he'd read about what he felt about me again. maybe he'll remember. that's how i started to fall back in love with him. i read the happier times again and remembered how much i loved him. i weighed his shortcomings with how much he made me happy, and all those little things that used to piss me off didn't matter any more; i started to find them sweet.
all i know for sure is i that i can't wait for christmas. things will be different between us, for sure, but that can't be helped. and i really hope he is ok. i mean, i know he is. he's not hurt or anything; i'm just overly concerned. but when he finally calls me, i'll be so relieved.
i can't wait until he calls me.
danny left yesterday. i asked him to call me when he got to vegas, but he didn't. his phone has gone straight to voice mail, too, so i haven't been able to get ahold of him. he hasn't called his mom yet, either. i'm really worried. and i really shouldn't be. i'm sure he's fine and just doesn't care enough to call home. he's probably thinking that he's too old to check in with his parents and that i'm "acting like a girlfriend". whatever. i'm just really worried and i hope he's ok. god, i hope he's ok.
people at work have been trying to cheer me up. gina gave me a hug when i started crying after danny said goodbye. vince told belva he wanted to give me a hug yesterday because i seemed upset, but that it'd be inappropriate. jessica wants to me to hang out with her and vince and play tekken. belva wants me to drink wine with her. rebecca wants to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream since josh left, too. the johns both want to take me out, thinking it'll take my mind off danny. eric gave me a pat on the back and said i'll be ok. zach and joey asked if i was able to get ahold of danny and if he made it ok. ryan tried giving me kind words, telling me everything would be ok. and every one of them said that he'll be back soon.
i'm not sure if that's true.
in fact, danny's so stubborn, he'd stay there miserable just so he wouldn't have to come back to farmington. i'm not the biggest fan of farmington myself, but i've lived in worse places.
and i would love him to come back here. or for me to move there (a little more responsibly than how he moved, though). but he wants his space, and i honestly have to agree that he needs it. i've been acting like he did when we were dating. when i asked for space, he'd just get closer. and that's how i treated him.
i'd love for him to move back here and not even live with me. he could get his own place or live with his parents. just so long as i could hang out with him once in a while.
i miss him already, and the fucker has been gone for 28 hours. i miss his voice. i miss being able to tell him about things. i wish he'd answer his goddamn phone. god, i really hope he's ok.
and i really hope that everything goes well for him in vegas. i don't want him to go hungry because he spent his money on comic books. i don't want him to have to worry if he can pay rent or not. i don't want him to *have* to come back here. whatever he does or doesn't do, i want it to be because *he* wants to do it. because god knows if he HAS to come back, he'll just end up resenting farmington even more. and yeah, i'd like him to come back because he misses me.
but that's a small factor in how i feel. i'm going to be miserable either way. i hate all this noise. i hate not having my own space. i hate relying on people for rides even more than before (since i live farther away from work). i hate having my best friend live 8 hours away and won't answer his phone. i hate feeling so goddamn pathetic. but above all else, i hate the idea that danny may not succeed in vegas and not have learned anything. that he might lose everything and not learn a damn thing from it. he has a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over. and i don't want him to get hurt any more than he has to. yeah, no matter what happens he'll have a chance of being hurt somehow. and yeah, he may be fine in vegas. he may get a huge salary, have a great house, love his job, and die happier than any one before. or he may become a penniless hobo giving hand jobs for comics. most likely it'll be in between. i just don't think this is the best thing for him.
i wish he would have taken my advice and moved to albuquerque and gone to college or done something productive. but whatever. writing all the things i wish would have happened or could have happened or will happen won't do a damn thing to change the fact that i miss him. very much.
i read some of his old blogs. he loved me. and i fucked that up. and i can't stop kicking myself in the ass for it. but again, it's in the past and nothing i do or think now will change anything.
i wish he'd read about what he felt about me again. maybe he'll remember. that's how i started to fall back in love with him. i read the happier times again and remembered how much i loved him. i weighed his shortcomings with how much he made me happy, and all those little things that used to piss me off didn't matter any more; i started to find them sweet.
all i know for sure is i that i can't wait for christmas. things will be different between us, for sure, but that can't be helped. and i really hope he is ok. i mean, i know he is. he's not hurt or anything; i'm just overly concerned. but when he finally calls me, i'll be so relieved.
i can't wait until he calls me.