alida might be the only one who can stand to read this...
i was just looking through that calendar thing they have on livejournal, and i haven't posted anything since before my birthday. how could i do this all of you? well don't worry because here's a fucking eye-ful of my retarded life.
so my birthday. i was all pumped up for it. i was going out the night before, and going to chill the day of. lunch with mom, movie with dad, and i had asked john if he wanted to get fondue that night. its my birthday thing, and i thought it would be a fun thing to do. oh but i forgot that john repeatedly and without fail drops the ball on anything that might have some sort of importance to me. apparently this is the way he works, so he tells me, so i really have nothing to be mad about.(right) anyways, so the day before my birthday i got my make up done at MAC, and had my hair done is the beautiful and sweet updo. two things i've never done before. not even for my fucking prom. by the time my hair was done, i was smiling from ear to ear. i seriously haven't felt that good about myself in a long time. and not in a way where i'm like, i'm so fine blah blah. more like, oh my gosh, i don't even recognize myself. i honestly felt like the belle of the ball. and shit, every girl should feel like that on her birthday. especially since last year i had just started a new job where i didn't really know anyone, like anyone, AND i had to work. crappy. so after i get my hair done, i call john because i have to show him. and again, not in a way, look at me cuz i'm so fine, but like, share in my excitement because i think its crazy that i look like this. so i go home, charles comes over to hang out, and then we go over kingfish. i see my friend diana, and then my brother, cameron, and jen. so we're hanging out and being stupid and having fun. JOHN is hanging out with other women. fantastic. so my friends and i make our way upstairs where JOHN is 100% wasted out of his mind. don't get me wrong, you can be as fucked up as you want to be around, but i've never seen any of my friends act or look the way he was. even when i've seen my friends wasted, they always look cute. i don't know, maybe its just youth on our side:)
so i'm getting drunker and john is continuing to bump and grind with FUCKING DIRTY BROKE ASS WASHED UP 35-YEAR-OLD SAN MATEO HOS. and when i say bump and grind i mean "wasted old white man dance". so i'm sitting diana because now i'm CRYING MY EYES OUT, and i decide that the proper thing to do is go over to him while he's getting fondled by this old skank. when i get over to him, he's in the middle of taking off his jacket, so i(was SO drunk)"help" him take the jacket off and then THROW it across the dance floor at this empty table. oh being drunk and emotional! wasn't i just saying earlier that night that i didn't want to get too drunk in case something happened?? yeah...anyway, so i don't know how john and i end up deciding to go home together. honestly you guys, i wanted to. it was my fucking birthday. i've been with him for about a year. of COURSE, i want to wake up next to him on my birthday. i mean, i wake up next to him almost every other day. why should this be any different? well in john dean's mind milestone occassions send his brain a message saying "you have to think of someone else besides yourself". and he doesn't know how to do that. dude, i'm a 23 year old girl. i am probably the easist kind of woman to make happy. i mean, i don't expect extravagant gifts. nor do i even WANT them. i want a flower. seriously. just one. for my birthday. that would have made me deliriously happy. but instead i got disrespected to my fucking face on my fucking birthday with my friends and my fucking BROTHER there. lucky for me, that i have this brother of mine. he's the best:) cuz you know what he did? he told john that he's going to break his legs and shove them up his ass. hahahahaha!!! i love my bro. that was the first time he's ever stood up for me. and it really meant a lot. so the next morning when john and i woke up(still fully clothed), he was all happy and nice to me. you know why??? because he didn't remember any of what happened!!!! big fucking suprise. he totally didn't remember kissing those women OR my friend jackie whom he kissed right in front of my god damn face! happy happy birthday to me. so it took john a whole day piece the night together, and THEN he felt kinda bad. oh oh i forgot one of my two favorite quotes from that night. when i went up to him to ask him what he was doing with all those women. his reponse, "we were just dancing and kissing"....oh, right, what was MY problem? the other favorite quote was from he was grovelling the next day. it was, "i didn't know it was so important to you."...ohhh, so all the times that i talked about how excited i was about my birthday didn't really clue you in. i'll be more vocal about it next time.
oh but there won't be a next time. i FINALLY came to the realization that this is just disrespect to myself and if NOTHING else, going back to john would be disrespecting what my brother did by standing up for me. and that is something i would never in a million years do. because i am not like john who is so fucked up in his head that he sabotages things ON PURPOSE because his brain tells him that is the best approach to the situation. you know, i'm sorry this is hella long and i don't know how to create those cuts in the journal, so i'm going to end this here, and continue some other time. lucky for you guys, huh?
so my birthday. i was all pumped up for it. i was going out the night before, and going to chill the day of. lunch with mom, movie with dad, and i had asked john if he wanted to get fondue that night. its my birthday thing, and i thought it would be a fun thing to do. oh but i forgot that john repeatedly and without fail drops the ball on anything that might have some sort of importance to me. apparently this is the way he works, so he tells me, so i really have nothing to be mad about.(right) anyways, so the day before my birthday i got my make up done at MAC, and had my hair done is the beautiful and sweet updo. two things i've never done before. not even for my fucking prom. by the time my hair was done, i was smiling from ear to ear. i seriously haven't felt that good about myself in a long time. and not in a way where i'm like, i'm so fine blah blah. more like, oh my gosh, i don't even recognize myself. i honestly felt like the belle of the ball. and shit, every girl should feel like that on her birthday. especially since last year i had just started a new job where i didn't really know anyone, like anyone, AND i had to work. crappy. so after i get my hair done, i call john because i have to show him. and again, not in a way, look at me cuz i'm so fine, but like, share in my excitement because i think its crazy that i look like this. so i go home, charles comes over to hang out, and then we go over kingfish. i see my friend diana, and then my brother, cameron, and jen. so we're hanging out and being stupid and having fun. JOHN is hanging out with other women. fantastic. so my friends and i make our way upstairs where JOHN is 100% wasted out of his mind. don't get me wrong, you can be as fucked up as you want to be around, but i've never seen any of my friends act or look the way he was. even when i've seen my friends wasted, they always look cute. i don't know, maybe its just youth on our side:)
so i'm getting drunker and john is continuing to bump and grind with FUCKING DIRTY BROKE ASS WASHED UP 35-YEAR-OLD SAN MATEO HOS. and when i say bump and grind i mean "wasted old white man dance". so i'm sitting diana because now i'm CRYING MY EYES OUT, and i decide that the proper thing to do is go over to him while he's getting fondled by this old skank. when i get over to him, he's in the middle of taking off his jacket, so i(was SO drunk)"help" him take the jacket off and then THROW it across the dance floor at this empty table. oh being drunk and emotional! wasn't i just saying earlier that night that i didn't want to get too drunk in case something happened?? yeah...anyway, so i don't know how john and i end up deciding to go home together. honestly you guys, i wanted to. it was my fucking birthday. i've been with him for about a year. of COURSE, i want to wake up next to him on my birthday. i mean, i wake up next to him almost every other day. why should this be any different? well in john dean's mind milestone occassions send his brain a message saying "you have to think of someone else besides yourself". and he doesn't know how to do that. dude, i'm a 23 year old girl. i am probably the easist kind of woman to make happy. i mean, i don't expect extravagant gifts. nor do i even WANT them. i want a flower. seriously. just one. for my birthday. that would have made me deliriously happy. but instead i got disrespected to my fucking face on my fucking birthday with my friends and my fucking BROTHER there. lucky for me, that i have this brother of mine. he's the best:) cuz you know what he did? he told john that he's going to break his legs and shove them up his ass. hahahahaha!!! i love my bro. that was the first time he's ever stood up for me. and it really meant a lot. so the next morning when john and i woke up(still fully clothed), he was all happy and nice to me. you know why??? because he didn't remember any of what happened!!!! big fucking suprise. he totally didn't remember kissing those women OR my friend jackie whom he kissed right in front of my god damn face! happy happy birthday to me. so it took john a whole day piece the night together, and THEN he felt kinda bad. oh oh i forgot one of my two favorite quotes from that night. when i went up to him to ask him what he was doing with all those women. his reponse, "we were just dancing and kissing"....oh, right, what was MY problem? the other favorite quote was from he was grovelling the next day. it was, "i didn't know it was so important to you."...ohhh, so all the times that i talked about how excited i was about my birthday didn't really clue you in. i'll be more vocal about it next time.
oh but there won't be a next time. i FINALLY came to the realization that this is just disrespect to myself and if NOTHING else, going back to john would be disrespecting what my brother did by standing up for me. and that is something i would never in a million years do. because i am not like john who is so fucked up in his head that he sabotages things ON PURPOSE because his brain tells him that is the best approach to the situation. you know, i'm sorry this is hella long and i don't know how to create those cuts in the journal, so i'm going to end this here, and continue some other time. lucky for you guys, huh?