(no subject)
what the hell have I become? I don't know who I am, or what I am suppossed to be. I look in the mirror, I no longer see me. I see images of people, younger and funner...I used to be them. Now what the fuck am I. I am so lost, and so I turn to this technological healer...this number of pains. It doesn't work, don't be fooled, I will leave this site feeling the same. Into a bed with someone that doesn't love me, no, not really. Into a sleep with maddness and anger to wrap around me. Into dreams where even less makes sence. To awake and find myslef lost again. Its only getting worse, I pretend its getting better. I find the words to fit the smile to wear for the appropriate moment...but now, i feel it washing over me, like a rian shower of sadness drownding my soul. I thought I was something I am not...and now, that falsehood is all that I've got. Will I ever know what its like to be happy? Can I ever not dwell. Is there some justification as to living in this hell. For what. What the fuck is this all for. I had an ok day, now I want to claw my eyes out and bleed to death on the floor. What the fuck am I trying so damn hard for? I have lost myslef, who I WANTED to be, in all this fighting and trying to change humanity. Let it rot, let the depravity smollow this world whole. I just don't fucking want to care anymore. I want to worry about music, and tattooes, and clothes, I want to spend what little money on beer, and be drunk all the time. I want to float around moving from place to place, I want to take my truck and three kiddies and find a funner place, I want new shoes with cool punk snaps, I want money to blow up my nose or for ink on my back. I don't know what I want...i just want to stop hurting. And I don't think this Livejournal is helping.