Random thoughts on identity
Self-identity is a funny thing. There are so many factors that influence it. It can be robust, or it can be delicate. However, I don’t want to talk about identity theory today, I’m no expert. I do want to talk about my own sense of identity today. I’m not sure how coherent this is going, there’s a kind stream of consciousness going on.
Take for example the tags that I set up my last entry, “shoulder”, and “arthritis”. I’m not certain whether these are the times I actually want to use long-term, I mean, they will certainly help me find the entry in future, but is a tag of “arthritis” really how I want to be searching for my thoughts on this stuff? Does it even matter? The quick answer is, yes it does matter, but from self-definition perspective it’s all bit strange.
Then consider how I am writing this blog, I’m dictating it on Dragon. Why am I doing that when I’m perfectly capable of typing? Why am I using a tool which is actually currently slower? The reason I’m using it, is because I think it would be a useful tool to get used to using, certainly prolonged typing has always caused me shoulder pain, although using smaller devices sitting on a settee rather than working as a traditional desk has always been more comfortable as well. At the moment I don’t know whether I’m going to need it, or whether I will need it in 6 months, 6 years or 16 years. I also don’t know whether I’m ever going to find it particularly usable for things like essays or long and in-depth writing. At the moment I’m finding it a little clunky, and a little bit of a nuisance for editing. It’s also really weird for posts of this nature, these kind of streams of consciousness, because sometimes it captures the hesitations, sometimes it doesn’t. If it had AI, it would probably say she speaks weird, but it doesn’t, it’s just a dumb piece of software.
Taking notes via dictation on my phone is not easy, it just doesn't have the level of recognition of the main Dragon app. The things it can do with ROman terms are weird.
How does this relate to my own sense of self-identity? I’m not sure, I think it’s focusing on relatively minor details, maybe as a distraction from the bigger issues.
Friday was my worst day so far. Not in terms of the actual pain, that was no worse, and indeed a definite improvement on earlier on in the week when I still had the surgical pain. I don’t know whether it was the tramadol going out my system, or whether it was my brain catching up with what’s happened, but I felt lower than I have a long time in the morning. Mid morning, I actually ended up having a cry. Nothing in particular triggered it, it was just a sense of, I dunno, stuff. I felt a little better after a cry.
I think what is making it particularly difficult, is that I don’t know what the long-term implications are. What impact will it have on work? What impact is it likely to have on LRP characters? What does it mean in terms of sport and fitness? Although swimming is good for things like this, is the open water swimming a no no? Is cold water a bad idea? I don't know. I mean, nothing has actually changed, and the surgery may even have improved things, I just have a new label to use, but that label brings a lot of baggage with it.
Where is this blog post going? Not sure if it is going anywhere. I think I’m in a similar position to this blog post at the moment, I don’t really know where this diagnosis is going to take me.
On the plus side, I saw physiotherapist on Friday. He said that he is pleased with how my movement currently is, apparently, a lot of people at this stage after the surgery I’ve had would barely have any mobility at all. He’s gone through the exercises, making slight alterations from what I was given at the hospital, and given me some exercises to start early next week. I’m seeing him again on Thursday. I am seeing the surgeon for a follow-up appointment on 16th December.
For those people who expressed interest in the photographs, I will at some point around to uploading them to dropbox. I’ll stick them behind a similar warning of the knee injury pictures.