In which I ramble about sexism and related subjects in LRP.
In some ways I have been very lucky, in that I have never been sexually assaulted at LRP. I’ve been on the receiving end of the same kind of low level sexual harassment that many women receive just because they live on this planet, but not the serious, threatening kind of harassment. I don’t know whether this is because I give off discouraging vibes, or whether I am just massively oblivious. A friend I was discussing this with at an event recently said he considered it to be ‘a little of both’.
I heard various stories over the years, some notorious incidents at well known fest events in the Midlands. But more recently I have heard many more stories. I did wonder whether I had experienced fewer problems because I generally don’t do large scale events, having always preferred smaller and more intimate games. I suspected that the anonymity of larger scale events facilitated unacceptable behaviour.
Turns out I was naïve in that, although I still believe that it is less prevalent at smaller games, I have learned that a woman I know was touched up at a small event I was at, and indeed I was probably even in the room when it happened. I had no idea until yesterday. Appalling.
There are some notorious perpetuators. One name has been floating around the internet a lot recently as a well-known creep who has committed several assaults. I feel physically sickened by these stories, for years I knew this person as a ‘weird geek’ and had no idea of how dangerous he was. I learned to despise him for being a cheating git, and still had no idea of how dangerous he really is until relatively recently. Now I realise that the ‘weird geek’ thing is his camouflage, he gets away with what he does because he pretends ‘it was all IC’ and gives the impression that he just doesn’t understand boundaries. Turns out he’s a far sneakier predator than I realised and I think I was played. Next time I run into him at an event I might have to be physically restrained from smacking him one.
Then there’s another person I know who assaulted a friend. The perpetuator also has a façade that people would consider inappropriate with what I know he did. For years my friend told no-one what happened because she was afraid of not being believed. I have no idea if this person has struck elsewhere.
In both cases, we have someone getting away with appalling behaviour, for very different reasons. Both of them have a demeanour - albeit a very different one - that has protected them.
Where am I going with this? Not entirely sure, except the message that abuse can be hidden and abusers can be very clever.
What I have experienced in the past is emotional abuse. I don’t like to talk about this and most people I know have no idea. Given that other friends of mine have displayed a lot of personal courage in reporting and publicly describing their experiences recently, I’ve decided to do the same.
Many years ago, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. With hindsight I can see how toxic it was, but at the time I didn’t realise, again because my abuser was clever. Over the years I was with this individual, he demolished my self-confidence, and turned me into a very different person. He would put me down in public and in private. He would sabotage any plans I had for personal betterment. He leeched off me financially. He was controlling and unkind. When he ditched me, he had destroyed my confidence so much I genuinely thought I would be on my own forever, and when I wailed this, he dismissively said that because I was a woman who LRPed, I would get a new boyfriend easily. So basically, he told me I was LRP fit, and would get a man because of the shortage of women in LRP rather than because of my own merits. He left me in a right mess, and it took me a while to be able to trust in a relationship again. Now, I’ve been with David for 13 years, so that helps you date how long ago this happened. Despite that elapsed time, I am feeling sick typing this out, because the ghost has reared its head. Once again, the abuser was clever, and I’m pretty sure most of the people who know him were completely oblivious to his nastiness.
Now I’m going to change the subject back to sexism in LRP. What I did experience in spades in my earlier LRP years was overt sexual discrimination of the ‘women cant do X’ type. This was largely directed to combat, with women still being expected to play non-combatants a lot of the time. I early developed a liking for LRP combat. Strange how women were always expected to fight when crewing but somehow not when playing. Thankfully this attitude has largely dissipated, or at least it has in the games I do. On the other hand, the arena at Odyssey still has a higher ratio of men to women than I’d like to see.
There is a problem of ‘dude bros’ in some LRP games, and I believe that they perpetuate a lot of the sexist crap that does occur, and they help foster an environment in which discrimination is possible. Because it’s not just sexism, it’s disablism, homophobia, racism… All of these crop up. As a wise woman pointed out nearby, LRPers are just human, which means that some are prejudiced.
How do we overcome this? We have to keep plugging at it. Foster an environment in which it is not considered acceptable to treat other humans as things, as objects to be taunted, harassed, abused, etc. Yes some nasty stuff happens IC, and it always will unless we play fluffy bunny LRP, but we cannot allow “I was IC” to be an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. We have to challenge and say ‘this is not acceptable’ (if we feel brave enough), and we have to believe people when they report things that have happened to them.
This was a massive ramble, for which I apologise, but it’s an important subject and some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
I heard various stories over the years, some notorious incidents at well known fest events in the Midlands. But more recently I have heard many more stories. I did wonder whether I had experienced fewer problems because I generally don’t do large scale events, having always preferred smaller and more intimate games. I suspected that the anonymity of larger scale events facilitated unacceptable behaviour.
Turns out I was naïve in that, although I still believe that it is less prevalent at smaller games, I have learned that a woman I know was touched up at a small event I was at, and indeed I was probably even in the room when it happened. I had no idea until yesterday. Appalling.
There are some notorious perpetuators. One name has been floating around the internet a lot recently as a well-known creep who has committed several assaults. I feel physically sickened by these stories, for years I knew this person as a ‘weird geek’ and had no idea of how dangerous he was. I learned to despise him for being a cheating git, and still had no idea of how dangerous he really is until relatively recently. Now I realise that the ‘weird geek’ thing is his camouflage, he gets away with what he does because he pretends ‘it was all IC’ and gives the impression that he just doesn’t understand boundaries. Turns out he’s a far sneakier predator than I realised and I think I was played. Next time I run into him at an event I might have to be physically restrained from smacking him one.
Then there’s another person I know who assaulted a friend. The perpetuator also has a façade that people would consider inappropriate with what I know he did. For years my friend told no-one what happened because she was afraid of not being believed. I have no idea if this person has struck elsewhere.
In both cases, we have someone getting away with appalling behaviour, for very different reasons. Both of them have a demeanour - albeit a very different one - that has protected them.
Where am I going with this? Not entirely sure, except the message that abuse can be hidden and abusers can be very clever.
What I have experienced in the past is emotional abuse. I don’t like to talk about this and most people I know have no idea. Given that other friends of mine have displayed a lot of personal courage in reporting and publicly describing their experiences recently, I’ve decided to do the same.
Many years ago, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. With hindsight I can see how toxic it was, but at the time I didn’t realise, again because my abuser was clever. Over the years I was with this individual, he demolished my self-confidence, and turned me into a very different person. He would put me down in public and in private. He would sabotage any plans I had for personal betterment. He leeched off me financially. He was controlling and unkind. When he ditched me, he had destroyed my confidence so much I genuinely thought I would be on my own forever, and when I wailed this, he dismissively said that because I was a woman who LRPed, I would get a new boyfriend easily. So basically, he told me I was LRP fit, and would get a man because of the shortage of women in LRP rather than because of my own merits. He left me in a right mess, and it took me a while to be able to trust in a relationship again. Now, I’ve been with David for 13 years, so that helps you date how long ago this happened. Despite that elapsed time, I am feeling sick typing this out, because the ghost has reared its head. Once again, the abuser was clever, and I’m pretty sure most of the people who know him were completely oblivious to his nastiness.
Now I’m going to change the subject back to sexism in LRP. What I did experience in spades in my earlier LRP years was overt sexual discrimination of the ‘women cant do X’ type. This was largely directed to combat, with women still being expected to play non-combatants a lot of the time. I early developed a liking for LRP combat. Strange how women were always expected to fight when crewing but somehow not when playing. Thankfully this attitude has largely dissipated, or at least it has in the games I do. On the other hand, the arena at Odyssey still has a higher ratio of men to women than I’d like to see.
There is a problem of ‘dude bros’ in some LRP games, and I believe that they perpetuate a lot of the sexist crap that does occur, and they help foster an environment in which discrimination is possible. Because it’s not just sexism, it’s disablism, homophobia, racism… All of these crop up. As a wise woman pointed out nearby, LRPers are just human, which means that some are prejudiced.
How do we overcome this? We have to keep plugging at it. Foster an environment in which it is not considered acceptable to treat other humans as things, as objects to be taunted, harassed, abused, etc. Yes some nasty stuff happens IC, and it always will unless we play fluffy bunny LRP, but we cannot allow “I was IC” to be an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. We have to challenge and say ‘this is not acceptable’ (if we feel brave enough), and we have to believe people when they report things that have happened to them.
This was a massive ramble, for which I apologise, but it’s an important subject and some stuff I needed to get off my chest.