Whirlpool
cuss words & anger.. oh and a tmi or 2.. prepare yourselves if you read this..
So that doc appointment is sneakin up on me not getting here soon enough! Omg.. This wait is terrible.. Why on earth do they have this set up the way it is..? I scheduled the appointment on Sept. 1st and the first opening available was October 7th.. Which is still 2 weeks away..
I'm so pissed right now.. every single fucking day I have to go home and listen to a a fucking 5 month old baby cry, coo & can hear mama talking to her. It's so draining to be depressed and angry all at once..
I'll admit my depression has turned into anger. I'm pissy all the time now. I hate my job, I hate this state, I hate this town, I hate myself (somtimes).. and worst of all I hate going through this. I'm trying to remember that even if you're diagnosed with unexplained infertility you still have an 85% chance of still concieving and carrying to term, but I feel as if the world is against me.
I got a ticket, lost it, haven't heard back from the magistrates office about what to do (I don't want to go to fucking jail b/c I had a busy work week and lost it in the hubbub of moving from location to location.. )
Seriously, I had to work at one location from 8-1 then my regular office about a mile down the road from 1-4.. ridiculous.. did my boss thank me no. did anyone keep up on the paperwork? no. did anyone even bother to mention I had paperwork piling up that I could have taken with me to do at the other location? no.) so all in all it's been a shitty week again.. trying to catch up on everything while dealing with lazy service advisors and my boss.. I also have been scolded a couple of times (not just by my boss, but by co-workers who seem to think they know it all).. and it seems like they just think I need to sit in this fucking office for 8.5 hours and not move.. no lunch, no cigs, no breaks, nothing.. yet I get a half hour deducted out of every day for that break that I don't even get. It's so fucking stupid and I could sue them.. but how the hell do I pay for a lawyer??.. with the 8$ an hour that I get paid.. pffffft yea right.. I gotta put food on the fucking table & gas in my car..
It's just unbelievable how naive my boss is.. He doesn't show up for work half the time due to headaches but god forbid i'm a couple minutes late in the morning due to slow traffic.. I CAN'T HELP IT! I am I supposed to know I'm going to get behind grandma going fucking 25 mph when the speed limit is 40 and it's a no passing zone??? It doesn't matter what time I leave either, because something always puts me behind.. whether its grandma, a bus, or someone trying to turn that doesn't know how to just GO instead of sitting there waiting for an opening is big as the fucking pacific.. fucking morons I tell you..
And another thing.. my boss offered someone else more than me to do less than what I'm doing at my job.. I think I may have wrote about this before but now I'm just livid about it.. because well.. let's see I wore jeans yesterday for the first time in over 2 weeks.. because all my 'dress' pants were dirty.. now mind you these jeans were dark wash, not torn, no holes & had no stains, they are my 'nice' jeans.. so I figured one day in jeans wouldn't hurt anyone, considering we are still under construction anyway and that I'm still in my temp office. Well apparently my boss (who didn't even see me in dress pants on mon or tues because he called off the one day and then tues wasn't at our location to get any of his shit done..) that he had told me about 2 weeks ago that I needed to dress nicer.. well what the hell man!?! ((did I mention the night cashier wears jeans every day?)).. I looked at him and told him all of my dress pants were dirty && the ones I was going to wear today I had put in the dryer last night only to find them still wet this morning.. then he commented that I was wearing a sweatshirt... (it was a work sweatshirt with their emblem on it..) I said.. well I have a nice dress shirt on underneath, but the air is on and I'm freezing in here.. it's only like 70 outside.. I don't understand why the air needs to be on full blast all day long in this weather, it's not like is humid and nasty outside! and he said.. your right it is kinda cold in here.. and walked out.. what.. the.. hell.. man!?.. They didn't even shut the air off.. it's still on and & about 50 degrees in my office.
He always looks at the negatives. Never says thankyou.. and never seems to care that I'm willing to bend over backwards for him to make sure that something is taken care of.. well not anymore.. I can't wait to get a call back or get an interview with some other job.. I can't believe I've stayed here this long. I'm so sick of it! Nothing I ever do is good enough, even tho he doesn't even do his own fucking job he thinks he can make me feel like shit for wearing a fucking sweatshirt when it's 50 degrees in my office. FUCK YOU Douche Bag!.. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I walk out.. cause I'm not giving any warning, I'm not even going to care..
The only problem is my husband will still be working here, but what ever.. if they fire him then we can move back to MN and be with our fam & friends again..
I mean the other night we were talking about all the friends we made in a year & a half of living in Chicago.. I didn't realize how many people we had met and made friends with.. and here.. we have no one.. absolutely no one.. How naive was I to think that it would all work out,.. A year and some months ago when we moved out here I figured.. well ''if we don't make any friends it'll be okay, because we're going to start making the rest of our family..'' yea well that's not happening either.. I don't know what to do with myself..
I think if we had friends I wouldn't be so torn up about the whole not getting pregnant issue & I'd be more relaxed about it, I'd have distractions.. but since we're bored and we have little to do (Halo: Reach is our main squeaze.)
I'm fucking driving myself insane.. and this whole waiting a fucking month for a doc appointment just to have a consultation & figure out what we're going to do & how much it's going to cost us is killing me..
I had a mental breakdown the other night and was just about ready to do some nasty thing that I used to back in my teens.. I didn't because well.. I have the best hubby in the world and he took care of me.. plus.. I know it really wouldn't help the situation, but only make myself feel bad for doing it and my husband would be disappaointed in my lack of maturity.. but it burns.. the want to do it, i mean.. I know it won't solve anything.. it's just I don't have any control over this problem, but I have control over this. I think that the major thing.. and the fact that I can hurt myself on the outside to reflect how I feel inside.. because it hurts in there.. always.. because I really have nothing to distract me from it, besides blowing the heads off other spartans & elites in Halo.. which is fun.. don't get me wrong.. but it's not like it always gives me a fix for destruction..
I'm pretty sure that I'm as unstable as a pinto.. ready to explode at any moment.. you just have to push the right 'button'.. I try to stay happy.. I really do, but it's hard at the end of the day.. when I'm laying in bed with my hubs & thinking about how I wish I could give him a baby.. That's the worst part.. I feel like a failure in the department of being a good wife.. and it hurts to feel like that.. not only am I failing myself, but him as well..
My mother's voice still rings in my ears that 'I'm impatient'.. but I've just decided that how can she understand how this feels when she had me at 21, I was unplanned & she wasn't even married yet.. so I'm pissed at her b/c she was the good little catholic girl who fucked up in the last year of college... I was good and waited until I was married.. (we only used B/C until my senior year in HS, but he P/O until we were married...)..
and now.. it just feels like God is punishing me.. for something.. whatever it may be.. or apparently I'm not going to be a good mother.. or I'm just not good enough in his eyes.. just like I was never good enough for my parents growing up..
I just don't know what to do about this whole situation.. It's frustrating.. demeaning.. and probably one of the top 5 most horrible feelings in the world..
I'm never good enough for anything or anyone.. and I have the worst luck.. or so it seems.. I know it's a grieving process. but now I'm just angry.. at everything.. and I really don't know what to do about it.
So that doc appointment is sneakin up on me not getting here soon enough! Omg.. This wait is terrible.. Why on earth do they have this set up the way it is..? I scheduled the appointment on Sept. 1st and the first opening available was October 7th.. Which is still 2 weeks away..
I'm so pissed right now.. every single fucking day I have to go home and listen to a a fucking 5 month old baby cry, coo & can hear mama talking to her. It's so draining to be depressed and angry all at once..
I'll admit my depression has turned into anger. I'm pissy all the time now. I hate my job, I hate this state, I hate this town, I hate myself (somtimes).. and worst of all I hate going through this. I'm trying to remember that even if you're diagnosed with unexplained infertility you still have an 85% chance of still concieving and carrying to term, but I feel as if the world is against me.
I got a ticket, lost it, haven't heard back from the magistrates office about what to do (I don't want to go to fucking jail b/c I had a busy work week and lost it in the hubbub of moving from location to location.. )
Seriously, I had to work at one location from 8-1 then my regular office about a mile down the road from 1-4.. ridiculous.. did my boss thank me no. did anyone keep up on the paperwork? no. did anyone even bother to mention I had paperwork piling up that I could have taken with me to do at the other location? no.) so all in all it's been a shitty week again.. trying to catch up on everything while dealing with lazy service advisors and my boss.. I also have been scolded a couple of times (not just by my boss, but by co-workers who seem to think they know it all).. and it seems like they just think I need to sit in this fucking office for 8.5 hours and not move.. no lunch, no cigs, no breaks, nothing.. yet I get a half hour deducted out of every day for that break that I don't even get. It's so fucking stupid and I could sue them.. but how the hell do I pay for a lawyer??.. with the 8$ an hour that I get paid.. pffffft yea right.. I gotta put food on the fucking table & gas in my car..
It's just unbelievable how naive my boss is.. He doesn't show up for work half the time due to headaches but god forbid i'm a couple minutes late in the morning due to slow traffic.. I CAN'T HELP IT! I am I supposed to know I'm going to get behind grandma going fucking 25 mph when the speed limit is 40 and it's a no passing zone??? It doesn't matter what time I leave either, because something always puts me behind.. whether its grandma, a bus, or someone trying to turn that doesn't know how to just GO instead of sitting there waiting for an opening is big as the fucking pacific.. fucking morons I tell you..
And another thing.. my boss offered someone else more than me to do less than what I'm doing at my job.. I think I may have wrote about this before but now I'm just livid about it.. because well.. let's see I wore jeans yesterday for the first time in over 2 weeks.. because all my 'dress' pants were dirty.. now mind you these jeans were dark wash, not torn, no holes & had no stains, they are my 'nice' jeans.. so I figured one day in jeans wouldn't hurt anyone, considering we are still under construction anyway and that I'm still in my temp office. Well apparently my boss (who didn't even see me in dress pants on mon or tues because he called off the one day and then tues wasn't at our location to get any of his shit done..) that he had told me about 2 weeks ago that I needed to dress nicer.. well what the hell man!?! ((did I mention the night cashier wears jeans every day?)).. I looked at him and told him all of my dress pants were dirty && the ones I was going to wear today I had put in the dryer last night only to find them still wet this morning.. then he commented that I was wearing a sweatshirt... (it was a work sweatshirt with their emblem on it..) I said.. well I have a nice dress shirt on underneath, but the air is on and I'm freezing in here.. it's only like 70 outside.. I don't understand why the air needs to be on full blast all day long in this weather, it's not like is humid and nasty outside! and he said.. your right it is kinda cold in here.. and walked out.. what.. the.. hell.. man!?.. They didn't even shut the air off.. it's still on and & about 50 degrees in my office.
He always looks at the negatives. Never says thankyou.. and never seems to care that I'm willing to bend over backwards for him to make sure that something is taken care of.. well not anymore.. I can't wait to get a call back or get an interview with some other job.. I can't believe I've stayed here this long. I'm so sick of it! Nothing I ever do is good enough, even tho he doesn't even do his own fucking job he thinks he can make me feel like shit for wearing a fucking sweatshirt when it's 50 degrees in my office. FUCK YOU Douche Bag!.. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I walk out.. cause I'm not giving any warning, I'm not even going to care..
The only problem is my husband will still be working here, but what ever.. if they fire him then we can move back to MN and be with our fam & friends again..
I mean the other night we were talking about all the friends we made in a year & a half of living in Chicago.. I didn't realize how many people we had met and made friends with.. and here.. we have no one.. absolutely no one.. How naive was I to think that it would all work out,.. A year and some months ago when we moved out here I figured.. well ''if we don't make any friends it'll be okay, because we're going to start making the rest of our family..'' yea well that's not happening either.. I don't know what to do with myself..
I think if we had friends I wouldn't be so torn up about the whole not getting pregnant issue & I'd be more relaxed about it, I'd have distractions.. but since we're bored and we have little to do (Halo: Reach is our main squeaze.)
I'm fucking driving myself insane.. and this whole waiting a fucking month for a doc appointment just to have a consultation & figure out what we're going to do & how much it's going to cost us is killing me..
I had a mental breakdown the other night and was just about ready to do some nasty thing that I used to back in my teens.. I didn't because well.. I have the best hubby in the world and he took care of me.. plus.. I know it really wouldn't help the situation, but only make myself feel bad for doing it and my husband would be disappaointed in my lack of maturity.. but it burns.. the want to do it, i mean.. I know it won't solve anything.. it's just I don't have any control over this problem, but I have control over this. I think that the major thing.. and the fact that I can hurt myself on the outside to reflect how I feel inside.. because it hurts in there.. always.. because I really have nothing to distract me from it, besides blowing the heads off other spartans & elites in Halo.. which is fun.. don't get me wrong.. but it's not like it always gives me a fix for destruction..
I'm pretty sure that I'm as unstable as a pinto.. ready to explode at any moment.. you just have to push the right 'button'.. I try to stay happy.. I really do, but it's hard at the end of the day.. when I'm laying in bed with my hubs & thinking about how I wish I could give him a baby.. That's the worst part.. I feel like a failure in the department of being a good wife.. and it hurts to feel like that.. not only am I failing myself, but him as well..
My mother's voice still rings in my ears that 'I'm impatient'.. but I've just decided that how can she understand how this feels when she had me at 21, I was unplanned & she wasn't even married yet.. so I'm pissed at her b/c she was the good little catholic girl who fucked up in the last year of college... I was good and waited until I was married.. (we only used B/C until my senior year in HS, but he P/O until we were married...)..
and now.. it just feels like God is punishing me.. for something.. whatever it may be.. or apparently I'm not going to be a good mother.. or I'm just not good enough in his eyes.. just like I was never good enough for my parents growing up..
I just don't know what to do about this whole situation.. It's frustrating.. demeaning.. and probably one of the top 5 most horrible feelings in the world..
I'm never good enough for anything or anyone.. and I have the worst luck.. or so it seems.. I know it's a grieving process. but now I'm just angry.. at everything.. and I really don't know what to do about it.