AF..is on the doorstep..
so.. temp dropped again this morning.. definitely not going to take the time to do a chart overlay.. there's not hing to show but another disappointment.. had a little bit of spotting this morning.. AF, is on the doorstep.. I was really hoping that she would have hopped on her flight and taken a 9 month vaca instead of just for 4 weeks, but I guess that trip to Cabo was cancelled.. so here we go.. this was the last month we had to TTC on our own, if you don't count next cycle during which I have my doctors appointment on week 3.. I feel so let down & unwomanly at this point..
Had a terrible weekend and yesterday sucked as well.. We're pretty broke after paying bills.. as they aren't all paid yet and I still haven't gotten my health bills from my previous OB visit.. & I know thats gonna be about 120$.. I got a ticket on sunday & that's 109$, oh & the alternator went out on my car yesterday & that's another 100$... and I only have 200$ in my wallet.. I was ahead of the game til I got the ticket on Sunday & my alternator went out on my veh.. :(
To top it all off I have my RE/Infertility Specialist appointment about 3 weeks from now.. which is pretty depressing.. I guess we could always count this next cycle as trying on our own as well, because it'll almost be over by the time I go see Dr. Gell. It's good though, I'm thinking, timing wise cause it'll just be a consultation.. in essence, there should only be a week left in that cycle.. great.. right in the middle of my 2ww. that'll be pleasent I'm sure.. but like I said.. timing wise it'll be good, because if I don't concieve next cycle we can start diagnosis as soon as AF arrives.. again.. saved money & insurance coverage allowing of course.. They say they usually take blood on day 3, during ovulation & I believe somewhere during the 2ww.. (found that out via "The Conception Chronicles", love that book..) I'm going to have a big problem with the needles.. I can probably get through doctors lookin at my 'hooha', but I HATE needles..
Just like any other child before Kindergarten I had to get my finger pricked to check my blood, or something.. I dunno why they do it.. neway.. I got the WORST nurse ever.. She kept pricking & pricking & couldn't find the right spot so she'd prick again.. finally after about 2-3 excrusiating minutes of endless poking she found the vein.. oh she found it alright.. and it EXPLODED! all over me, my mom, the wall, her, the chair, the floor & the little tray next to us.. Vivid is my memory of blood splatter due to a finger prick.. and it hasn't made me feel any better about needles.. Sure I've had shots since then.. but as long as I can look away I'm fine.. considering the big tube of blood and all.. it's probably going to traumatize me again.. I have a feeling..
Not only did I want to conceive on our own because of the dreaded needles & other related testing (the HSG don't sound too pleasent either).. but it just doesn't seem fair at all.. Why is something that's supposed to happen naturally be so fucking hard for us!? I'm about 85% sure I'm ovulating.. OPK go + & then 24-36hrs later my temp rises.. My cultures/pap all came back normal.. so probably no problems there.. I'm just so anxious, nervous & scared.. & the feeling of having to go through this is undeniably indescribable. It hurts so much.. it's an ache in the pit of my stomach to hold my own child. To see their face.. to see my husband with them.. Why are my prayers always unanswered? ignored? or denied? I pray daily.. to both God & Saint Gerard.. and neither of them seem to want to listen, answer or fufill my prayer.. it seems so heartless & un-godly.. I know God doesn't work in this way, but it still creeps into my mind & drives me nuts.. Why the hell would he give a baby to a16 yr old who was more likely to get an abortion or give her baby up for adoption?... Why the hell would he give a woman who has children that she already ignores & doesn't appreciate another miracle?? Why..? To make me more jealous? To torment me? To sabotage the little faith in him that I have left..? Is he testing my faith? Is he pushing me to the limit to see how far I can go..? Is he trying to see how much I really want this?.. because I want this so bad, my whole body seems to ache sometimes.. My thoughts are wrapped in endless vicious cycles such as this one.. am I not good enough to be a mother? What am I lacking as a person that has done this? What do I need to do to change it..?
I'm so sick of this.. I just want a baby.. Why is that so much to ask for?.............
It doesn't help that the people next to us (in our apt) have a 5 month old little girl. Sometimes I can hear her crying & other times cooing or giggling.. It makes me so jealous.. It's tormenting me!
I've had to hide another couple of friends on facebook, due to pregnancy announcements.. I saw one of their ultrasound pics this morning (she is preggers w/ twins).. and although I'm so happy for her in moments, right now I can't handle it..
I think I need a hobby.. maybe I'll learn how to crochet.. or something.. to get my mind off of this.. to distract me from the depression & heartache............................................
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just ran away from it all and started a new life.. with just myself.. traveled everywhere I've wanted to go & do all the things that I wanted to do.. I know that'd in some aspects it'd just be running away from my fears.. but in others it would be for personal growth and exploration.. I won't do it.. I'm sure.. but I need a get away... I need something to get me out of this..
I hate where I live (1500 miles from real friends & our families). I hate our stupid ass apartment, that has more rules than a boarding school.. I hate my job with a sort of passion that only some may understand & right now I really am starting to hate myself. (to be brutally honest about it)... I feel as if I'm doing this to myself & that it's my fault that I'm not conceiving.. I feel like it's my fault that I even get my hopes up the teeeeniest little bit only to fall right back down to the darkest tunnel of the rabbit hole.. which takes forever for me to climb out of again (usually about 5 days before ovulation).. It's the biggest emotional rollercoaster I've ever been on.. and it feels so unstoppable & uncontrolable. because trust me.. If I could get my hands on some happy pills, I would totally take them during this part of the month whne I feel like this.. I wish I could become comfortably numb to this whole situation.. but I can't.. so I come on here to spill my beans to see if it helps.. sometimes it does & sometimes it doesn't.. I'm not sure how it's going to be today.. all I really want to do is go home, eat some chocolate, have some popcorn & pringles, drink mountain dew (cause I haven't been drinking it as much lately due to caffiene being a no-no) & watch a chick flick.. and take a bath.. read.. go for a walk with my dog.. and make a nice awesome dinner for when hubs gets home.. but.. I have to sit in this stupid office and listen to customers w/ problems concerning there stupid vehicles that they obviously dont' take care of.. and then blame us for.. w/e.. I'm so looking for a new job this weekend...
I thought I should mention though, that my husband is amazing in his patience towards this. He is so understanding of my ruthless rollercoaster emotions.. One minute I'll be a happy lark, ready for a yummy dinner & ready to kick his butt @ Halo.. The next I'll be all pissed off for no reason about how some tiny little insignificant thing is totally ruining my life.. when really it's not that little thing, but the anger/depression just sorta vomits out in some other form.. I litterally feel like I'm losing all control of myself & emotions.. Because I can't control my anger... maybe I need an excorsism.