cross posted in myspace...i don't know why i'm doing this, i really should let livejournal go
I keep feeling that people don't believe in me. Even when I find random notes in my bag from friends telling me wonderful things like "I think UR the coolest". In fact so many people believe in me its mind boggling. The problem is I don't believe in there ability to believe in me. I'm not saying I think my friends are idiots, but in the stance of who knows me the most, I treat them as such. I'm sure they know me better then me; I'm too absorbed in narsistic thoughts to have a firm grip on any rational thoughts of myself. Next time I receive a compliment I'm going to try and accept it, truly accept it, not just think "thanks for pretending to think I'm cool" more like "thanks". That’s it. People aren’t out to get me like I think they are. Why would they bother, they have themselves to think about. I get caught up in all the silly details...which artistically it may not seem like I do but even to my huge free flowing faces I have gotten the tiniest brushes and worked into it with such non-needed detail driven madness. I'm self sabotaging the flow of a life that could be lead in a fun, optimistic and successful way by lurking in self-loathing pity and blaming past events on future actions. I'm taking responsibility for now, like I guilt the people around me into doing. I'm like a mother who wanted to dance but instead made her daughter do it instead. I stand around tuting at my friends and showing them how to better manage their lives while I wade around in my own filth not knowing where to start, or even if it’s possible. Though the people around me never cease to amaze me, they change for the better everyday. They have chosen me as their friend, so maybe I am capable of a change, not a fad, but an actual change for the better. A healthier mind, a healthier body and hopefully a healthier car...ok that last bits a joke...Burt the laser is fine! I kinda started the change a month and a bit ago after a zombie movie scared me into going to the gym, now I go nearly every day and feel better for it…I’d feel even better if I sat down and wrote the 6 reviews and semiotic paper that were due two weeks ago, but instead I’m writing this out of my head instead. Tomorrow will be the day of review writing and Sunday can be dedicated to semiotics…lucky I’m not religious or god would smite me for working on a Sunday…though technically shouldn’t he smite me for not being religious? Ok perhaps that’s a topic for another night I really need to get to sleep. If you read that…Um sorry for verbally vomiting all over your eyes, but really you should have some more self-control next time, it’s your life, take charge!