How I feel about my cancer
So...lots of people say "fuck cancer." It even has its own hashtag. #fuckcancer after all. And "I hate cancer." I hear that a lot. With varying degrees of intensity.
And I feel like such a freak -- and maybe this would be different if I were, you know, closer to death -- but...cancer's just, like, your own body kind of going a bit crazy? It's not this separate thing? Like, there's not #fuckheartdisease hashtag. No one goes around saying "I hate ..." I don't know what to fill that blank with.
It's like cancer has become this sentient other, this invasive alien. And I mean, maybe it helps other people to think like that. But I don't? Cancer is this thing that my body grew. A BAD thing, don't get me wrong. But just...this thing that needs treatment. The same as the flu...or the endometritis (child bed fever) I got after Thing#1 was born that required 36 hours of IV drugs. Diagnosis then treatment.
You know, I did everything I was supposed to do to avoid breast cancer. Not on purpose, but I had a child at 25. I breastfed for 2 years combined. I was on birth control from 16-23, but not after that ever. No synthetic hormones since then. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. As I keep telling everyone, I'm DISGUSTINGLY healthy...except for the cancer. And it happened anyway. And it's horrible and treatment is going to fucking SUCK. And I'm angry that this thing happened to me, and I'm allowed to feel that anger. But I'm not angry...at cancer, this disembodied thing. I'm not angry at myself either -- I don't think I caused this like if I'd smoked for 50 years and had lung cancer. If anything, I'm angry at the world we live in, filled with plastics and chemicals and insecticides and toxins. THAT'S what's doing this. And so we can pour money into research for "cures." But really, we HAVE a cure: mastectomy, 4 rounds of A/C, 12 rounds of Taxol, and then 33 sessions of radiation. There's no vaccine for this. There might be prevention -- if you want to go live a life off the grid, only using completely natural ingredients for everything. But...you know, I like my modern life. I like plastics and computers and microwave ovens and food I don't grow myself and chlorine-filled pools and vaccines and the thousands of little things that probably contributed to me growing my own personal cancer by age 41. So...really, is this just the price we pay for the life we live? I don't know. I don't know.
But I'm not angry at Supervillain Cancer. And I'm not angry at myself. I'm scared and tired and don't want to go pump myself full of poison on Friday. But I will. I will. And I'll take my computer and my phone with me and stay connected with my community *literally* all over the world. And maybe that'll all balance out.
And I feel like such a freak -- and maybe this would be different if I were, you know, closer to death -- but...cancer's just, like, your own body kind of going a bit crazy? It's not this separate thing? Like, there's not #fuckheartdisease hashtag. No one goes around saying "I hate ..." I don't know what to fill that blank with.
It's like cancer has become this sentient other, this invasive alien. And I mean, maybe it helps other people to think like that. But I don't? Cancer is this thing that my body grew. A BAD thing, don't get me wrong. But just...this thing that needs treatment. The same as the flu...or the endometritis (child bed fever) I got after Thing#1 was born that required 36 hours of IV drugs. Diagnosis then treatment.
You know, I did everything I was supposed to do to avoid breast cancer. Not on purpose, but I had a child at 25. I breastfed for 2 years combined. I was on birth control from 16-23, but not after that ever. No synthetic hormones since then. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. As I keep telling everyone, I'm DISGUSTINGLY healthy...except for the cancer. And it happened anyway. And it's horrible and treatment is going to fucking SUCK. And I'm angry that this thing happened to me, and I'm allowed to feel that anger. But I'm not angry...at cancer, this disembodied thing. I'm not angry at myself either -- I don't think I caused this like if I'd smoked for 50 years and had lung cancer. If anything, I'm angry at the world we live in, filled with plastics and chemicals and insecticides and toxins. THAT'S what's doing this. And so we can pour money into research for "cures." But really, we HAVE a cure: mastectomy, 4 rounds of A/C, 12 rounds of Taxol, and then 33 sessions of radiation. There's no vaccine for this. There might be prevention -- if you want to go live a life off the grid, only using completely natural ingredients for everything. But...you know, I like my modern life. I like plastics and computers and microwave ovens and food I don't grow myself and chlorine-filled pools and vaccines and the thousands of little things that probably contributed to me growing my own personal cancer by age 41. So...really, is this just the price we pay for the life we live? I don't know. I don't know.
But I'm not angry at Supervillain Cancer. And I'm not angry at myself. I'm scared and tired and don't want to go pump myself full of poison on Friday. But I will. I will. And I'll take my computer and my phone with me and stay connected with my community *literally* all over the world. And maybe that'll all balance out.