LONELY, or Midlife Crisis Part II
Yeah. Me. I seem to have always lived with the idea that I didn't need anyone, but now that my former fuck-buddy is getting married and always with the PDAs with his fiancee, kissing and canoodling and I *really* don't want it with him but it would be nice to have that affection from *somebody*, and my roommate is in a relationship and moving out soon, and my other roommate is so depressed that he's barely functioning socially, and my old BFF has cut me loose, and my older BFF is also so depressed that he doesn't talk to me or answer my calls and a thousand bucks is *way* too much to visit him and smack some sense into him, and the only people who want to be with me are my family but I have to pretend to be 'normal' with them, whatever that means, so that's a strain...
I'm lonely. It's good to admit it. I think I feel it most when I browse the spanking sites - I think I really want to attend some kind of event, test my limits (only, probably, to be embarrassed by how low they are. One more thing....) And I realized that all the girls on the sites are just that - girls. And thin, of course. And then I think I should have gone out for spanking social events years ago, because at least fat spring chickens have marginally more takers than fat middle-aged women. (And my mother told me she just realized she was an old woman - she's, what 65, but she's a babe! It made me sad, too. Silly, I know.) It's like, all my life I've been whining about being unattractive, but at least the bloom wasn't off the rose yet. And now I'm finally mature enough to go for what I want sexually, I'm not going to get any takers. But that's not really the thing - I kind of think that maybe at my age, everyone is settling down with a partner and abandoning the intense and deep friendships of youth because that's what one *does* at this age. Which leaves me kind of behind. Also, perhaps my dream of affection from an SO in an equal relationship is just that, a dream... *SIGH* I don't really know.
More midlife crisis soon, I'm sure!