Let us pray
Today's Book of Sarah is regarding a certain location where many make
their weekend homes. Dance clubs. This weekend, your very own spiritual
leader decided to look further into these locations and had emerged
from a club known as "Electra" holding forth the:
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DANCE CLUBS
1. Thou Shall Have No Other Clubs Before Me
God appeared before me as I entered the club and said unto me, "Thou shall enter this club, and this club alone. You shall forsake all other clubs before me. You shall shake what your momma gave you here and here alone. You shall forsake your friends clubs for they dance on the alter of the Devil. Barring, of course, that your out of the zip code."
2. Thou Shalt Not Be A Phantom Grinder.
God then said unto my guy friends, "Thou shalt not be the phantom grinder, nor shalt thy be the creepy watcher. You shall dance and you shall make your presence known. You shall not sneak behind girls to dance with them. In addition, you must not buy a beer and simply watch the girls on the dance floor. You must partake in the festivities and be joyful for that is the way into heaven."
3. Thou Shall Not Take The Name of the DJ in Vain
I then asked God, "But what should I do if I hate the DJ?" to which God replied, "You shall not forsake the DJ nor take his name in vain. You shall chant along with him and reply to all his requests with enthusiast cheering." I pondered on this and then asked God, "But what if I do not understand what he is asking?" to which God replied, "Oh my child, no one does. Not you, not your friends, not even myself. But you will cheer and be joyful for you are in the Lord's club."
4. Remember Ladies Night and Keep it Holy
The girls in my group then looked at the Lord and asked, "But God, we cannot afford to go dancing weekend. What shall we do?" God looked at them and smiled and he said, "Ladies, on the first day, I created the heavens and the earth, on the second I made Ladies Night" And it was good.
5. Thou Shalt Honor Thy Rap and Thy Techno
I then turned toward God and asked, "But what if I don't like the music?" God replied unto me, "You shall not always understand the will of Rap and Techno, but you must respect and honor them. And I was hesitant and God said, "An hour into it your ears will ring so badly you could be listening to Yanni for all you'll know." and I praised God's foresight.
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill a Dance Off
God then approached me and said, "You're not a very good dancer. Therefore, you shall be respectful and stay far away from the dance off. Thou shalt not wander into the middle of one nor attempt to join one." I nodded and contemplated God's wisdom.
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Club Adultery
God looked around the club and said "My children, you must be careful to avoid the adulterous lures within the club. Be respectful of the bonds you made outside the club and respectful of those you see in the club." I asked God what he meant and he replied, "Don't let boyfriends try to cop a feel."
8. Thou Shall Not Steal Thy Neighbors Fresh Moves
I confided in God that I was not the best dancer. He responded, "While you may take a guru to learn your own moves, do not steal thy neighbors moves. They have worked long hard hours in front of the mirror perfecting their work with their glow sticks and I will be angered at your disrespect for them."
9. Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness Against my Dancing Partners
God then confided in me, "Sarah, do not let the haze of alcohol and black lighting affect your work for the lord. Remember, those you remember what they did the next morning are truly the blessed." So I put down my liquor and nodded.
10. Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbors Booty Shaking Skills
I was now ready to enter the club when God gave me one last bit of advice, "Remember, my child, for you to truly appreciate the wonders of the club, you must first vow never to covet thy neighbors moves. For the road to hell is paved with inexperienced white kids with glow sticks and no clue outside of the Electric Slide." And with that, God allowed me into the club and gave me these ten commandments to share with my fellow man.
This is the Book of Sarah, go in peace and sleep in on Sunday.
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DANCE CLUBS
1. Thou Shall Have No Other Clubs Before Me
God appeared before me as I entered the club and said unto me, "Thou shall enter this club, and this club alone. You shall forsake all other clubs before me. You shall shake what your momma gave you here and here alone. You shall forsake your friends clubs for they dance on the alter of the Devil. Barring, of course, that your out of the zip code."
2. Thou Shalt Not Be A Phantom Grinder.
God then said unto my guy friends, "Thou shalt not be the phantom grinder, nor shalt thy be the creepy watcher. You shall dance and you shall make your presence known. You shall not sneak behind girls to dance with them. In addition, you must not buy a beer and simply watch the girls on the dance floor. You must partake in the festivities and be joyful for that is the way into heaven."
3. Thou Shall Not Take The Name of the DJ in Vain
I then asked God, "But what should I do if I hate the DJ?" to which God replied, "You shall not forsake the DJ nor take his name in vain. You shall chant along with him and reply to all his requests with enthusiast cheering." I pondered on this and then asked God, "But what if I do not understand what he is asking?" to which God replied, "Oh my child, no one does. Not you, not your friends, not even myself. But you will cheer and be joyful for you are in the Lord's club."
4. Remember Ladies Night and Keep it Holy
The girls in my group then looked at the Lord and asked, "But God, we cannot afford to go dancing weekend. What shall we do?" God looked at them and smiled and he said, "Ladies, on the first day, I created the heavens and the earth, on the second I made Ladies Night" And it was good.
5. Thou Shalt Honor Thy Rap and Thy Techno
I then turned toward God and asked, "But what if I don't like the music?" God replied unto me, "You shall not always understand the will of Rap and Techno, but you must respect and honor them. And I was hesitant and God said, "An hour into it your ears will ring so badly you could be listening to Yanni for all you'll know." and I praised God's foresight.
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill a Dance Off
God then approached me and said, "You're not a very good dancer. Therefore, you shall be respectful and stay far away from the dance off. Thou shalt not wander into the middle of one nor attempt to join one." I nodded and contemplated God's wisdom.
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Club Adultery
God looked around the club and said "My children, you must be careful to avoid the adulterous lures within the club. Be respectful of the bonds you made outside the club and respectful of those you see in the club." I asked God what he meant and he replied, "Don't let boyfriends try to cop a feel."
8. Thou Shall Not Steal Thy Neighbors Fresh Moves
I confided in God that I was not the best dancer. He responded, "While you may take a guru to learn your own moves, do not steal thy neighbors moves. They have worked long hard hours in front of the mirror perfecting their work with their glow sticks and I will be angered at your disrespect for them."
9. Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness Against my Dancing Partners
God then confided in me, "Sarah, do not let the haze of alcohol and black lighting affect your work for the lord. Remember, those you remember what they did the next morning are truly the blessed." So I put down my liquor and nodded.
10. Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbors Booty Shaking Skills
I was now ready to enter the club when God gave me one last bit of advice, "Remember, my child, for you to truly appreciate the wonders of the club, you must first vow never to covet thy neighbors moves. For the road to hell is paved with inexperienced white kids with glow sticks and no clue outside of the Electric Slide." And with that, God allowed me into the club and gave me these ten commandments to share with my fellow man.
This is the Book of Sarah, go in peace and sleep in on Sunday.