Confused Calls
You know, I've no room to complain about vagueness on this. Not only have the signs been there, they've been lit up with neon and shoved in my face. And it still took until now for me to figure out that I've confused two calls.
For months now, I've had two calls from Artemis : one to nurture, one to lead. For reasons that, in retrospect, were pretty damned stupid, I took the first to refer to the various Gangrel pups that have wandered into my life, and the second to refer to the leadership gap in the Coven of Lamar. It sort of made sense at the time, if I didn't pay attention to how fate was moving me.
But again - as I am so damned often - I was wrong.
There's no getting around the leadership aspect. To be frank, I've been leading the pups of the Pack ever since Regina left on her personal quest... and as such, I've become the default voice of the Pack. Belle talked with me a bit ago, and I should have picked up on how she was talking then as an indicator. And in all honesty, while I do my best with the pups, I'm not near as good a hand at nurturing them as Belle has proven, despite her not wearing the necklace anymore. But it ain't just the Pack ; hell, not two weeks ago, the Gangrel of the city called me their Alpha. Can't get much more in-my-face than that.
The nurturing thing has been sneakier. It's not something I've focused on in the Circle, because I've had my eye on what I thought was a call to become Heirophant. But it's been there, quietly in the background. Talks with Rufus that started to bear fruit for him ; even though he's dust now, I'm hopeful that his soul was in a better place for the end of his cycle than it would have otherwise been, a place that had at least the beginnings of a real connection with Her. And dear gods, the troubled haunt that is Michael Mattox.... I'd give a lot to be able to bring him some real hope and peace, and while I know I've fallen short of the full mark with him, I hope that I've brought him at least some small measure of comfort over the past few months. His rage, his anger, his pain rides so close to the surface, I don't know what can bed that fire down... and now that he's left town, I don't know as I'll ever get the chance to try again. But if his path crosses mine again, I certainly will.
A piece of me is a little disappointed. While I said many times that I didn't want to be Heirophant, now that I can see that it's not my path I can also see that part of me did want it, that it craved the respect that comes with it. Hindsight is funny that way ; it lets us see things about ourselves that we miss in the moment.
But at the same time, I feel a helluva lot better knowing my true calling now. Won't be easy : riding herd on some of the rough-and-tumble types that make up my clan is going to be ugly, and I know that there's time where nurturing some of my covenmates is going to be like finding nice things to say about Adolf Hitler, but at least now, I actually know what I'm supposed to do. And of course, there's going to be flak from folks about me switching gears ; I'll just have to cope with that... and in the long run, so will they.
Shame it took me so long to see the fucking signs.
For months now, I've had two calls from Artemis : one to nurture, one to lead. For reasons that, in retrospect, were pretty damned stupid, I took the first to refer to the various Gangrel pups that have wandered into my life, and the second to refer to the leadership gap in the Coven of Lamar. It sort of made sense at the time, if I didn't pay attention to how fate was moving me.
But again - as I am so damned often - I was wrong.
There's no getting around the leadership aspect. To be frank, I've been leading the pups of the Pack ever since Regina left on her personal quest... and as such, I've become the default voice of the Pack. Belle talked with me a bit ago, and I should have picked up on how she was talking then as an indicator. And in all honesty, while I do my best with the pups, I'm not near as good a hand at nurturing them as Belle has proven, despite her not wearing the necklace anymore. But it ain't just the Pack ; hell, not two weeks ago, the Gangrel of the city called me their Alpha. Can't get much more in-my-face than that.
The nurturing thing has been sneakier. It's not something I've focused on in the Circle, because I've had my eye on what I thought was a call to become Heirophant. But it's been there, quietly in the background. Talks with Rufus that started to bear fruit for him ; even though he's dust now, I'm hopeful that his soul was in a better place for the end of his cycle than it would have otherwise been, a place that had at least the beginnings of a real connection with Her. And dear gods, the troubled haunt that is Michael Mattox.... I'd give a lot to be able to bring him some real hope and peace, and while I know I've fallen short of the full mark with him, I hope that I've brought him at least some small measure of comfort over the past few months. His rage, his anger, his pain rides so close to the surface, I don't know what can bed that fire down... and now that he's left town, I don't know as I'll ever get the chance to try again. But if his path crosses mine again, I certainly will.
A piece of me is a little disappointed. While I said many times that I didn't want to be Heirophant, now that I can see that it's not my path I can also see that part of me did want it, that it craved the respect that comes with it. Hindsight is funny that way ; it lets us see things about ourselves that we miss in the moment.
But at the same time, I feel a helluva lot better knowing my true calling now. Won't be easy : riding herd on some of the rough-and-tumble types that make up my clan is going to be ugly, and I know that there's time where nurturing some of my covenmates is going to be like finding nice things to say about Adolf Hitler, but at least now, I actually know what I'm supposed to do. And of course, there's going to be flak from folks about me switching gears ; I'll just have to cope with that... and in the long run, so will they.
Shame it took me so long to see the fucking signs.