...and then, everything went wrong.
I don't even begin to know how to write this.
Last night, I meant to sacrifice my virginity, and the tool thereof, to Artemis. It was going to be a night of getting more in balance with myself, of giving the grove a better sanctification, of Thargelia sacrifice.
It went horribly wrong.
I was raped. By a ghost. Using a corpse.
He seemed the perfect type. Exactly the smarmy sex-abusing pseudo-Wiccan asshole that I wanted to kill for Her. He was, in retrospect, too perfect; he exactly aligned with what I wanted. And now that I can look back at it, the signs of his noncorpreal nature were all there: nobody really interacted with him or even noticed him except me and one other woman... she must have had the sight too.
The... thing went right along with everything I tried to do, until the quarter offerings were made and he insisted I be on bottom. When I laid down, he bound me with some kind of magic. Massive, hugely powerful magic. And then he raped me. And there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
Tonight, Davina did put it in a kind of perspective for me that makes it almost bareable. Artemis never willingly submitted to a man. And for my virginal gift, neither did I once I had any idea what was really going on.
Afterward, after the rotting corpse the spirit had ridden fell off of me, things got... worse? Better? Either way, it has led me down roads I am only now regretting.
Griogar was there. He must have shown up during the rape. Whenever it was, he laughed. Laughed my failure. Laughed at my trauma. Laughed at my fucking RAPE. He poked at my beast, begged me to go off on him... and something in me snapped. I attacked him. Tore his clothes off, threw him to the ground and... well, it can't exactly be called rape, because he wanted it. My instincts took over, and so did my wolf (which I think only made him all the more excited). When I came back to myself, it was as a wolf, on him, with his blood in my mouth. The bastard got everything he wanted from me: the first drink toward a vinculum, sex, and a solid push in the direction of my beast.
That's the thing that really has me bent out of shape. I'm closer to my beast. What I did to Griogar doesn't bother me... but that fact that it doesn't bother me does. I don't want to become him. I sure as hell don't want to become Hood, who looks like a fucking zombie and damned near acts like one. I have got to get myself back into control. And with my new... attitudes, it's important. I hate - hate - HATE - rapists, and damned if I'm going to let myself become one in some twisted manner of dealing with what happened. As bad as the prospect sounds, I'm going to have to talk to Belle. She's the most humane person I know; maybe - just maybe - she can help me find a way back from the brink.
Everything else seems so damned inconsequential in comparison, but I may as well write it down. The cop-rapist was caught... and Davina killed him (after fucking up and revealing herself as supernatural to him). She did clean up her mess, and I respect her for that; she's going to relocate to Lamar for the long haul, and I think that - this incident notwithstanding - she's going to be a helluva welcome addition to both the clan and circle. Not to dwell on the point, but she crossed a line of her own when she took care of that problem; she's a Scarlet Woman now after over 50 years as a Maiden.
Regina called me to find out what the hell was going on; someone contacted her with the news of the possible breach. In the space of an hour, I was able to call her back and tell her that the breach had been closed by the clan without undue involvement of others. I think she was actually pleased, though I still expect that she's going to tear me a new one when she gets home. She's Alpha of the Pack... but she's not Alpha of the Gangrel of Lamar, and breaking that to her is going to be doubleplus unfun. I'm dreading her return as much as I'm anticipating it.
As for the Alpha of the Gangrel, that's me. It's my calling, and I'm damned well doing what I can to wrangle this wild bunch. I took more damned calls last night than I have in the past month; I think there were nine different crisis calls in the space of as many minutes. But in the end, I pulled it out. The Gangrel carried the night, and I think we're stronger for it.
Time to wrap this up. I want to go find Belle.
Last night, I meant to sacrifice my virginity, and the tool thereof, to Artemis. It was going to be a night of getting more in balance with myself, of giving the grove a better sanctification, of Thargelia sacrifice.
It went horribly wrong.
I was raped. By a ghost. Using a corpse.
He seemed the perfect type. Exactly the smarmy sex-abusing pseudo-Wiccan asshole that I wanted to kill for Her. He was, in retrospect, too perfect; he exactly aligned with what I wanted. And now that I can look back at it, the signs of his noncorpreal nature were all there: nobody really interacted with him or even noticed him except me and one other woman... she must have had the sight too.
The... thing went right along with everything I tried to do, until the quarter offerings were made and he insisted I be on bottom. When I laid down, he bound me with some kind of magic. Massive, hugely powerful magic. And then he raped me. And there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
Tonight, Davina did put it in a kind of perspective for me that makes it almost bareable. Artemis never willingly submitted to a man. And for my virginal gift, neither did I once I had any idea what was really going on.
Afterward, after the rotting corpse the spirit had ridden fell off of me, things got... worse? Better? Either way, it has led me down roads I am only now regretting.
Griogar was there. He must have shown up during the rape. Whenever it was, he laughed. Laughed my failure. Laughed at my trauma. Laughed at my fucking RAPE. He poked at my beast, begged me to go off on him... and something in me snapped. I attacked him. Tore his clothes off, threw him to the ground and... well, it can't exactly be called rape, because he wanted it. My instincts took over, and so did my wolf (which I think only made him all the more excited). When I came back to myself, it was as a wolf, on him, with his blood in my mouth. The bastard got everything he wanted from me: the first drink toward a vinculum, sex, and a solid push in the direction of my beast.
That's the thing that really has me bent out of shape. I'm closer to my beast. What I did to Griogar doesn't bother me... but that fact that it doesn't bother me does. I don't want to become him. I sure as hell don't want to become Hood, who looks like a fucking zombie and damned near acts like one. I have got to get myself back into control. And with my new... attitudes, it's important. I hate - hate - HATE - rapists, and damned if I'm going to let myself become one in some twisted manner of dealing with what happened. As bad as the prospect sounds, I'm going to have to talk to Belle. She's the most humane person I know; maybe - just maybe - she can help me find a way back from the brink.
Everything else seems so damned inconsequential in comparison, but I may as well write it down. The cop-rapist was caught... and Davina killed him (after fucking up and revealing herself as supernatural to him). She did clean up her mess, and I respect her for that; she's going to relocate to Lamar for the long haul, and I think that - this incident notwithstanding - she's going to be a helluva welcome addition to both the clan and circle. Not to dwell on the point, but she crossed a line of her own when she took care of that problem; she's a Scarlet Woman now after over 50 years as a Maiden.
Regina called me to find out what the hell was going on; someone contacted her with the news of the possible breach. In the space of an hour, I was able to call her back and tell her that the breach had been closed by the clan without undue involvement of others. I think she was actually pleased, though I still expect that she's going to tear me a new one when she gets home. She's Alpha of the Pack... but she's not Alpha of the Gangrel of Lamar, and breaking that to her is going to be doubleplus unfun. I'm dreading her return as much as I'm anticipating it.
As for the Alpha of the Gangrel, that's me. It's my calling, and I'm damned well doing what I can to wrangle this wild bunch. I took more damned calls last night than I have in the past month; I think there were nine different crisis calls in the space of as many minutes. But in the end, I pulled it out. The Gangrel carried the night, and I think we're stronger for it.
Time to wrap this up. I want to go find Belle.