(no subject)
Seriously.
Why can't I cheer up?
I just feel down and not wanting to do a damn thing.
Earlier I did hang out with Christina and it was fun.
But I come home and it's like FUCK, back to where I started this morning.
I saw my dad today and it really hurt my heart.
I hadn't seen him in so long, and I feel like somethings wrong with him.
He's sick.
I know he is.
I see it.
He denies it.
He denies it and I can't see why.
He hates doctors; I know.
But damn it, I wish he'd stop being stubborn and go see one.
You just can't bring something like that up to an old man who just will not listen.
No way.
I love him.
I do.
But when he's gone, I know this is bad but I seem to forget him.
Not completely but I never call or try to talk to him.
& When he calls me, I feel like I have nothing to talk about.
It's quiet, we breathe, say very few words, I love you & goodbye.
It's quite sickening to me, how horrible of a daughter I really am.
Who in the world does that to a father?
I know he feels lonely out there by himself, and all I can do is sit here and not worry so much about it.
Bitch.
That's the word I'm looking for.
I think.
I just don't know.
Things are changing.
It seems everything & everyone is.
I know it happens but sometimes I really wish it didn't.
I only write when somethings wrong; this I know but I can't help it.
Me & Christina were talking earlier & I hate to tell people my problems.
Hate to show my weaknesses.
I feel like I'd be letting them down.
They do have problems of their own; they shouldn't have to hear about or deal with mine.
Crazy, yet true, but that's why I type these, to get that extra weight off my shoulders.
I honestly feel like I'm alone right now.
Stupid, yes; I know.
I have plenty of friends but damn, I want to love & be loved.
Really.
&& it just seems like while I'm here, that's just not going to happen.
it's not meant to; not meant to for me anyway.
Ive been in this careless mood lately.
I don't want to care about much right now.
Anyone or anything.
I seem to care too much for some people & just get let down or stepped on.
Too nice..that's me.
I'm sick of that.
I will no longer be a best friend to anyone if they are going to treat me like shit.
I am not your toy.
I have damn feelings.
Shit, I'll just admit this now.
I say all this but when I feel better, I'll feel bad.
So just bare with me here.
Goodnight.
<3
Why can't I cheer up?
I just feel down and not wanting to do a damn thing.
Earlier I did hang out with Christina and it was fun.
But I come home and it's like FUCK, back to where I started this morning.
I saw my dad today and it really hurt my heart.
I hadn't seen him in so long, and I feel like somethings wrong with him.
He's sick.
I know he is.
I see it.
He denies it.
He denies it and I can't see why.
He hates doctors; I know.
But damn it, I wish he'd stop being stubborn and go see one.
You just can't bring something like that up to an old man who just will not listen.
No way.
I love him.
I do.
But when he's gone, I know this is bad but I seem to forget him.
Not completely but I never call or try to talk to him.
& When he calls me, I feel like I have nothing to talk about.
It's quiet, we breathe, say very few words, I love you & goodbye.
It's quite sickening to me, how horrible of a daughter I really am.
Who in the world does that to a father?
I know he feels lonely out there by himself, and all I can do is sit here and not worry so much about it.
Bitch.
That's the word I'm looking for.
I think.
I just don't know.
Things are changing.
It seems everything & everyone is.
I know it happens but sometimes I really wish it didn't.
I only write when somethings wrong; this I know but I can't help it.
Me & Christina were talking earlier & I hate to tell people my problems.
Hate to show my weaknesses.
I feel like I'd be letting them down.
They do have problems of their own; they shouldn't have to hear about or deal with mine.
Crazy, yet true, but that's why I type these, to get that extra weight off my shoulders.
I honestly feel like I'm alone right now.
Stupid, yes; I know.
I have plenty of friends but damn, I want to love & be loved.
Really.
&& it just seems like while I'm here, that's just not going to happen.
it's not meant to; not meant to for me anyway.
Ive been in this careless mood lately.
I don't want to care about much right now.
Anyone or anything.
I seem to care too much for some people & just get let down or stepped on.
Too nice..that's me.
I'm sick of that.
I will no longer be a best friend to anyone if they are going to treat me like shit.
I am not your toy.
I have damn feelings.
Shit, I'll just admit this now.
I say all this but when I feel better, I'll feel bad.
So just bare with me here.
Goodnight.
<3