your ballroom days are over
at random times throughout the day i am caught off guard by a whirlwind of questions. questions about everything. i proceed to try and break down those questions and find a way to start out small and work my way to the ultimate question. this whole process is usually around 30-60 seconds. and when that time is up i am left empty, with no answers to anything, and completely alone. it's quite the barrage of feelings and it takes everything to be oblivious, naive, and simply ignorant. overall, it's extremely depressing. i'm not sure if this makes any sense. it's really hard for me to put into words what happens to me during these periods of time.
i don't feel liked i'm living up to my potential. i feel like i've wasted two years of my life. there are so many things i want to do, to learn. and i hate how i feel that i have to pick only one thing to excel in. i want to study medicine, astronomy, history, art; i want to be so many things and yet i don't know where to start. i want to read so many books and go to so many different places. it's so overwhelming. i just want to do so many things, but find myself doing nothing instead.
since the beginning of this year i have felt progressively more alone. with the passing of each month i find myself down another friend. and i just don't get it. i am truly only close to four people. and while talking to one of those people and telling him how i felt he told me that it wasn't quantity but quality. i know he's right. but only two of those four are in sc. and right now i'm two hours away from them. i find myself not enjoying things like parties or shows anymore. the only way i enjoy them is if i'm seriously high or wasted but i don't like getting wasted anymore or getting high because coming down is a huge bummer. i don't like staying out late at night, probably due to a year and half full of party nights in which i wasn't capable of falling asleep. i much rather prefer mornings and daytime. i find myself very nervous when i'm in crowds, crowds of strangers and crowds of people i know. i don't have the social crutch of smoking anymore and i'm not the social butterfly anymore because of the absence of a certain drug. i'm just kind of disinterested in the things i used to do, or at least the ways i used to do them, if that makes sense.
one final thought. i wish i was capable of expressing myself better: views, opinions, emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts. if you didn't already know, i have a problem explaining and expressing myself. it's kinda sad.
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i'm the lizard king. i can do anything.