"I want to live in a wooden house where making more friends would be easy" - Coldplay
What is it about Life that rewards the fearless risk-takers and only ever seems to confirm the darkest reservations of those of us who are less sure? He who hesitates is lost. But is he actually lost as a result of the moment's hesitation or because of what he reveals about himself in that moment? Maybe whatever split-second falter our protagonist is guilty of is just enough for Life to smell the fear. I think that's when you're screwed.
So many of my steps in life are tentative that it's a wonder I get anywhere. Especially considering that, in my lack of confidence in my footing, I give myself away. If the brutal nature of Life is looking for weak spots, I present a large, slow-moving target. How can I blame it for not always being able to resist such an easy kill?
Someone that I like completely blew me off this week. It's nothing serious, but enough to make me feel like a fool. And then feel like an asshole for feeling foolish. I have no commitment to or from this person and very little invested. One side of that coin is good and it tells me my losses can be easily cut. The other side reminds me that the lack of parameters or definition means that I have no way to gauge what the intensity of my reaction should be. In this situation, what is flying off the handle and what is playing it off so well that it would seem I don't care? I do care, after all.
All of this is further compounded by the fact that this November is a year to the month since my best friend of fourteen years completely cut me out of her life with a surgical precision that was impressive for even her. I offer the people in my life everything I can afford to offer them and as a result, I take it particularly badly when people deal casually or carelessly with my friendship. There is no pain like watching someone easily dispose of the most precious thing you have to give to them. The pain of feeling not only unimportant but unecessary. As a result, I'm very gun shy at the moment. Despite (or maybe because?) how intentionally casual things are with this person, it was something I didn't expect having to question or think too much about. So I resent not only being blown off, but the tangle of complicated emotions and messy parallels that immediately got dragged into this thing that held so much promise of being laid back and easy.
I can't trust myself to know what is appropriate. When you trust yourself first and foremost, this is a very uncomfortable situation. This relatively minor transgression is just one straw, but it sits atop a small mountain of them deposited a year ago on this camel's back. I won't carry them all around forever and I've done what I can to remove some of it, but time is all that will help the rest and once around the sun just hasn't been enough. I've reached my quota and then some. He doesn't know how heavy my load is, but how do I keep from holding it against him that he's managed to make it a little heavier? He doesn't know that I really needed a carefree relationship of some kind to pat myself on the back for; something that wasn't serious enough to question, something safe in its lack of incumbrance. Somehow I find myself instead back in a sickeningly familiar position; hesitation hampering my next step, smelling like fear.