Just me and some random thoughts
Do you ever hate it when you say hi to someone and they ignore you? I can't stand it, literally, it drives me nuts. If people would just be polite and smile or wave back or acknowledge me in some way or fashion, then we could both get on with our days. Sure, maybe they didn't see me, or maybe they have too many things on their mind. But when someone looks you straight in the eyes and then walks right past you there's no mistake. And I end up spending the next few minutes wondering why I don't deserve a nice little hello.
It seems that I always get to a point in a relationship where I feel like everything could just fall apart at any moment. But it doesn't. Maybe because both people don't want it to, or maybe because I'm crazy and bipolar...more and more often I get in these moods where nothing will make me happy and I just want to sleep all day and never talk to anyone ever again. Sometimes it's only for a day but sometimes it lasts for a week or longer. All the rest of the time I'm happy and chipper and, well, crazy. Just ask my boyfriend, he thinks I'm insane, but in a good way. A dorky way, lol. I'm not trying to self-diagnose and I don't think it's so bad that I need medication for it, but I have paid attention to my mood patterns and it's pretty consistent. And That moment in a relationship where I just want to run away as far as possible seems to come right at the end of one of my crappy depressed moods. And things are good. Everything is great, better than I could've ever imagined, but it feels like I can see the momentum slowing down to a crawl as soon as I get depressed like this...
Weird but true: Talking about the female breast as depicted in Picasso's work in Art History today I realized that I can't remember not having boobs. I tried and I only have two memories having to do with my chest that weren't cup size C or above. One was when I was about 7 and I was whining to my mom because I couldn't run around without my shirt on like my brothers. The other is from 6th grade when I wore my first spaghetti strap shirt and didn't have to wear a bra yet. I could only wear that shirt for a month. But as hard as I try, I feel like they've always been there. A part of me. Not that you needed to know...
I am undecided. I do not know if I will ever get married and have kids and a house with a dog and a 9 to 5 job. There are so many other things that I want and none of those things seem plausible at this point in my life. I'm not upset about it. I love the fact that my work is ever changing and will take me all over the country if not the world. I'd love to have a pet one of these days but maybe I'll have to settle for going to the zoo. A cat would be nice since they can take care of themselves. And I have no problem with living out of a suitcase and just on the bare essentials. I decided yesterday that one day I want to sell everything I own and only have the things I need to survive with me. And on the whole married with kids thing. I used to have a strong feeling that I would inevitably get married and it was my destiny to be a mother whether I liked it or not. And right now, it feels like a husband would just tie me down, subjugate me, prove me dependent. And my only motivation for having a child would be for companionship, they're cute, and it would be a challenge. The funny thing is my religion dictates marriage as the only means to an end in the realm of relationships. It is not acceptable to live with someone or really love someone without getting married. And with divorce running rampant in today's society, most people consider divorce an easy, acceptable, and useful way of dealing with problems. I would want my marraige to mean a lifelong partnership, not a temporary arrangement. And if either party felt like divorce would be an option eventually, I don't think I could enter into a life together like that. I'm not saying I'll never get married (just because I don't need more I told you so's) I'm just saying it seems so unlikely for me in this lifetime.