Love
One emotion, one part of life... is it just me? Am I the only person going through life eyes shut so tight they sting reaching out in hopes of grabbing a tiny amount?
I'm not idiot, either. I know he's all wrong for me. I know he would never love me the way I want to be loved - the way I deserve to be loved. And on that same note, I would never love him the way he deserves to be loved. I've known it from the very beginning. So why am I so upset about it now?
I don't think it's a specific him thing though. I mean every time there is the slightest glimps of possibility, I jump at it. I spend all of my time reaching, trying to figure out how to move and manipulate so that I can even graze my fingertips against it. Talking to a person I loved years ago when I was a different person makes me frantic. My heart races and I get hopefull.
I don't understand, though. I am a rational, smart person. When I really think about it, I know. I truely deeply know. Brandon is not right for me. Hughie is not right for me. I know it. I could make lists pages and pages long of reasons why not being near them is the best thing for me. And when they are out of sight for long enough, they are out of mind compeltly. Hearing Hughie tell me it was over was uplifting and I felt free. Having Brandon tell me what we had was never love was the best thing he could have said to me. I had girlfriend mode with Hugh, now I'm a wreck. Well, not so much a wreck, but I'm having thoughs. What ifs and whys are running through my head. Same with Brandon. But why?
With Brandon though it's different. More than anything, I miss my best friend. Hughie was never my best friend. Not even close. I don't know if it would have gotten to that level with him ever (which makes me even more confussed as to why I freak out about seeing him and talking to him, because it was never that deep). But Brandon, I don't know. I feel like a part of me is still missing. Two years later and I still miss my best friend, my support team, my backbone.
I just need to grow some thick skin. I need to learn to say no. I need to learn how to follow my gut and follow my smart voice and not my lonely one. Because every time I fall into the trap, every time I kiss someone I know I shouldn't, I know beforehand what the consiquences will be. I just hate being so hopeful. Wanting love so bad is sometimes blinding. I just have to keep my eyes open. Stop closing them because that's when I get lost.
I'm not idiot, either. I know he's all wrong for me. I know he would never love me the way I want to be loved - the way I deserve to be loved. And on that same note, I would never love him the way he deserves to be loved. I've known it from the very beginning. So why am I so upset about it now?
I don't think it's a specific him thing though. I mean every time there is the slightest glimps of possibility, I jump at it. I spend all of my time reaching, trying to figure out how to move and manipulate so that I can even graze my fingertips against it. Talking to a person I loved years ago when I was a different person makes me frantic. My heart races and I get hopefull.
I don't understand, though. I am a rational, smart person. When I really think about it, I know. I truely deeply know. Brandon is not right for me. Hughie is not right for me. I know it. I could make lists pages and pages long of reasons why not being near them is the best thing for me. And when they are out of sight for long enough, they are out of mind compeltly. Hearing Hughie tell me it was over was uplifting and I felt free. Having Brandon tell me what we had was never love was the best thing he could have said to me. I had girlfriend mode with Hugh, now I'm a wreck. Well, not so much a wreck, but I'm having thoughs. What ifs and whys are running through my head. Same with Brandon. But why?
With Brandon though it's different. More than anything, I miss my best friend. Hughie was never my best friend. Not even close. I don't know if it would have gotten to that level with him ever (which makes me even more confussed as to why I freak out about seeing him and talking to him, because it was never that deep). But Brandon, I don't know. I feel like a part of me is still missing. Two years later and I still miss my best friend, my support team, my backbone.
I just need to grow some thick skin. I need to learn to say no. I need to learn how to follow my gut and follow my smart voice and not my lonely one. Because every time I fall into the trap, every time I kiss someone I know I shouldn't, I know beforehand what the consiquences will be. I just hate being so hopeful. Wanting love so bad is sometimes blinding. I just have to keep my eyes open. Stop closing them because that's when I get lost.