Cuz I flippin feel like it bitch
I'm bored. It's like 630 and Hughie doenst get out of work till like 930 or 10. His work schedual is the devil. I may take a nap. Who knows.
So I'm like agitated. I feel like most of the friends I thought I had only see me as a filler friend. I mean I'm not like depressed about it the way I would have been like a year or so ago. But it is annoying. And I feel like I cantsay anything, either. Most of the people I know are just so unaproachable. Like I feel like I'm gonna get my head biten off or something if I even say anything. Like my birthday is coming up, and I feel like nobody gives a shit. I took Lynn and two of her friends out to dinner for her birthday. I took Lark and Lynn out for Larks birthday, and I asked Lynn to just come out for my birthday and she was like dancing around it. And Sarah wontreallylisten to what I want to do, and she doesnt wanna go out at night, just get drunk during the day. And I dont wanna sound like some sort ofselfish brat, but I mean come on! Its my birthday!
I also feel like I'm in this weird limbo of life. I have no flipping idea what I want to do for my life. I have no real hardcore passions and I dont know what my next life step should be. I know I love kids, but I like a weird age group. I know I love to write but I dont know what to do with that. I'm also at a really weird emotional stage. Like I'm really trying to figure out what kind of person I want to be in my life and what path I want to go down and I'm trying to grow and mature as a person, but I still have a decent amount of immaturity and I have more work to do on my insecurities and the way I handle situations. And all the people I hang out with are a lot older than I am and are already over that stage and it sucks because I feel like sometimes they forget I'm only 22, and then when I act my age its like I get on their nerves. And I constantly feel as though theyre judging me for acting this way and not doing things that way and not looking at this art this way and not being creative and for doing this and that. It's just aggitating.
But on a good note... I have two amazing friends. Two is all I need. I mean it blows that they live so far away, but pretty soon Melissa will be home and we'll be in the apt. and Cherie will graduate soon, and who knows where she'llgo but hopefully I can see her more often. And I mean I had that akwardness with Melissa... but its pretty much resolved and I'm glad that we could talk it out and not get all crazy. And on top of that, I'm in lurve! I was having some MAJOR issues letting someone in and getting close and we were fighting constantly and breaking up and it was a big old mess... but being without him is just not an option. I think we needed a huge blowout and not talking for a while to realize how intense this is. I have the feeling. I still think about Brandon, though. I hate that I still think of him. But he told me not long ago that he thinks of what we had every day, too. I dont know why its so hard to just be done with that; to stop thinking about it. But at least I know I can have the feeling for someone else. I can be happy with someone esle. And I am. I am very, very happy with my relationship. Once we started talking again, and just put all the cards on the table and I know what bugs him adn he knows what bugs me, we've been 100% better. Yay for maturity!
So I'm like agitated. I feel like most of the friends I thought I had only see me as a filler friend. I mean I'm not like depressed about it the way I would have been like a year or so ago. But it is annoying. And I feel like I cantsay anything, either. Most of the people I know are just so unaproachable. Like I feel like I'm gonna get my head biten off or something if I even say anything. Like my birthday is coming up, and I feel like nobody gives a shit. I took Lynn and two of her friends out to dinner for her birthday. I took Lark and Lynn out for Larks birthday, and I asked Lynn to just come out for my birthday and she was like dancing around it. And Sarah wontreallylisten to what I want to do, and she doesnt wanna go out at night, just get drunk during the day. And I dont wanna sound like some sort ofselfish brat, but I mean come on! Its my birthday!
I also feel like I'm in this weird limbo of life. I have no flipping idea what I want to do for my life. I have no real hardcore passions and I dont know what my next life step should be. I know I love kids, but I like a weird age group. I know I love to write but I dont know what to do with that. I'm also at a really weird emotional stage. Like I'm really trying to figure out what kind of person I want to be in my life and what path I want to go down and I'm trying to grow and mature as a person, but I still have a decent amount of immaturity and I have more work to do on my insecurities and the way I handle situations. And all the people I hang out with are a lot older than I am and are already over that stage and it sucks because I feel like sometimes they forget I'm only 22, and then when I act my age its like I get on their nerves. And I constantly feel as though theyre judging me for acting this way and not doing things that way and not looking at this art this way and not being creative and for doing this and that. It's just aggitating.
But on a good note... I have two amazing friends. Two is all I need. I mean it blows that they live so far away, but pretty soon Melissa will be home and we'll be in the apt. and Cherie will graduate soon, and who knows where she'llgo but hopefully I can see her more often. And I mean I had that akwardness with Melissa... but its pretty much resolved and I'm glad that we could talk it out and not get all crazy. And on top of that, I'm in lurve! I was having some MAJOR issues letting someone in and getting close and we were fighting constantly and breaking up and it was a big old mess... but being without him is just not an option. I think we needed a huge blowout and not talking for a while to realize how intense this is. I have the feeling. I still think about Brandon, though. I hate that I still think of him. But he told me not long ago that he thinks of what we had every day, too. I dont know why its so hard to just be done with that; to stop thinking about it. But at least I know I can have the feeling for someone else. I can be happy with someone esle. And I am. I am very, very happy with my relationship. Once we started talking again, and just put all the cards on the table and I know what bugs him adn he knows what bugs me, we've been 100% better. Yay for maturity!