If people want to read my journal and then get all upset about it, then fucking read it.
What the hell is the matter with people?? I will be the first to admit that I’m no better, but I feel like I just got fucking gang raped by some people that I totally love.
Okay, BJ and me kissed Saturday. Big fucking mistake, we both realize this. Due to me feeling upset with myself about this, I told some guys at work that we kissed and it should not have happened. Their logic was, “Oh, since you’re not dating Cindy anymore, you should fuck her friend. Think like a guy Sara, think like a guy.” For starters, I do have more respect for people than to just “fuck her” or anybody for that matter, and I told them that. Second, I know a lot of people might be surprised by this, but yo, I’m not a dude! Me trying to get rid of my guilt by talking with these guys totally backfired on me, I don’t know what the hell I was expecting, but I won’t talk to them about anything again. So I talked to this girl about it, my guilt is still with me, but she made me feel better. She told me to get a spine and own up to it. I didn’t know how to “own up to it” since I couldn’t admit to it since it involved another person, so the only thing I could do was fucking not do it again.
Cindy wrote me an email last Wednesday about how she wants to remain friends but she feels there is a resentment on both our parts but wants to start over. I responded on Monday agreeing that I do have a resentment towards her about how I do feel manipulated when she asks me things. Part of my email to her,
“Cin, we haven't really been talking since, what, September? Kinda off and on through text messaging. Then I get a phone call from you and you're mad at me cause I didn't tell you I went in. The reason you're upset is because you thought we were closer? If you were to go into detox, I really don't think I'd be your first choice to call to say you're going in.
I know a lot of people tell you shit, so I knew you'd find out, but it wasn't like I was trying to keep it from you. If I was, I sure as hell wouldn't say anything at the Reality Center. Second, I have issues with how you get some of your information, and when we were on the phone, you were all acting okay at first (although it's kinda easy to tell when you're really not) then you kinda just blew up about the detox. It's hard to explain. Remember when we were at your old place, you were sitting on top of me talking to checker Jeff acting like you don't know what was going on at QFC just so he can share what he knows? I didn't like that, but that's not my shit, and I realize that. But what sucks is that everytime we're "just talking", I feel like your just probing for some answers that you probably already know. So what if I did tell you I was going into detox while we were on the phone? Would you act all surprise like you just heard it first from me? Probably. It's not that I care if I tell you first or not, it's just I rather you say, at the beginning, that you heard something, and if it's true.”
She wrote back with she understands where I’m coming from. Later that night, K and me went to a meeting a we found some things that are going on in her life that are quite stressful. There is no way I was going to add onto that. Some of us went out for coffee afterwards, and I can’t put what we said in here out of respect for the people talking and because people like to read what I write and get pissed off about it and use it against me.
I get onto my email this morning with Cindy saying, “So....I just talked to BJ. I don't ever want to talk to you or see you again. Have a nice life Sara!” I called BJ and she said they all got honest with each other last night and it all came out. We agreed to not talk to each other again, and that kinda fucking hurt, but what can you do? BJ reminds me of this girl I used to be really good friends with, annnd she’s out of my life due to her husband having some sort of weird issue with me. So the thing with BJ just kinda was a reminder of what happened a few years ago, so that was a little bit of a bummer.
I talked to Katherine probably a million times within about a 20 minute period today. Mad props to her for putting up with me. I was getting angry, but since I fucked up (although I didn’t do it alone), I feel like I have no place to be angry. But I can’t shake the anger. I’m not doing too bad actually, I’m finding it to be a blessing in disguise. I will miss them, hopefully I can still talk to Tracy, but if she won’t talk to me, I’ll understand.
What gets me though is the fact that everyone seems to always want to get honest when everyone involved isn’t there. I’m not trying to justify what I did, cause it was fucked up, and I know this. BJ knows this. Anyone in their right fucking mind knows this. BJ told me some shit that was said that she was a little upset with me about. What was fucked up, was that I never once fucking said what other people are fucking telling her I said. I have a big mouth sometimes, and after the whole Rocque thing went down last year, I’m learning it’s better to keep my mouth shut, regardless on how tough it may seem. However, other people are not, and I STILL feel I would betray these people if I start talking, even if it might clear some shit up.
I care about these people a lot, but honestly, if that’s sobriety, then they can have it. They can have their drama and their bullshit and their backstabbing and everything else. I will fucking miss some of them, and it fucking hurts to know some of the people I care about are hypocrites. But who am I to say anything after what I did on Saturday? Maybe my way of making amends for what happened is for me to leave. I think both parties (fuck me, “all” parties) involved would benefit from it.
I did write Cindy an email for the last time, and this is what I wrote:
I wanted to write to let you know I won't be going back to the RC, so I hope you won't be avoiding any meetings there to try and avoid me. BJ and me talked for the last time a few minutes ago, we both regret what we did, but we can't take it back. I don't agree with a lot of things that are going on, and some of the things I heard are flat out lies, but because of my mistake last Saturday, I don't feel I have the right to be angry, which fucks me up because I am angry. I'm angry with the fact that everyone tells me shit that I cannot repeat, yet they feel they can talk freely about anything, regardless if it's true or not. I'm angry with myself for trying to justify my mistake. I would never have sex with any of your friends, but for the last hour I sat here justifying kissing one of them. That's bullshit. I don't like being put in the middle of shit, yet I have allowed myself to be there.
I told someone at work what I did, and the next day I told them it was a big mistake that should have never happened. She told me to get a fucking spine and own up to it.
If you need to focus all your anger on someone, by all means, let it be me. I fucked up and I will own up to it. If I were to apologize, I think that would insulting to you, so forgive me if I don't.
I won't email you again, but I needed to say this.
Take care,
Sara
Okay, BJ and me kissed Saturday. Big fucking mistake, we both realize this. Due to me feeling upset with myself about this, I told some guys at work that we kissed and it should not have happened. Their logic was, “Oh, since you’re not dating Cindy anymore, you should fuck her friend. Think like a guy Sara, think like a guy.” For starters, I do have more respect for people than to just “fuck her” or anybody for that matter, and I told them that. Second, I know a lot of people might be surprised by this, but yo, I’m not a dude! Me trying to get rid of my guilt by talking with these guys totally backfired on me, I don’t know what the hell I was expecting, but I won’t talk to them about anything again. So I talked to this girl about it, my guilt is still with me, but she made me feel better. She told me to get a spine and own up to it. I didn’t know how to “own up to it” since I couldn’t admit to it since it involved another person, so the only thing I could do was fucking not do it again.
Cindy wrote me an email last Wednesday about how she wants to remain friends but she feels there is a resentment on both our parts but wants to start over. I responded on Monday agreeing that I do have a resentment towards her about how I do feel manipulated when she asks me things. Part of my email to her,
“Cin, we haven't really been talking since, what, September? Kinda off and on through text messaging. Then I get a phone call from you and you're mad at me cause I didn't tell you I went in. The reason you're upset is because you thought we were closer? If you were to go into detox, I really don't think I'd be your first choice to call to say you're going in.
I know a lot of people tell you shit, so I knew you'd find out, but it wasn't like I was trying to keep it from you. If I was, I sure as hell wouldn't say anything at the Reality Center. Second, I have issues with how you get some of your information, and when we were on the phone, you were all acting okay at first (although it's kinda easy to tell when you're really not) then you kinda just blew up about the detox. It's hard to explain. Remember when we were at your old place, you were sitting on top of me talking to checker Jeff acting like you don't know what was going on at QFC just so he can share what he knows? I didn't like that, but that's not my shit, and I realize that. But what sucks is that everytime we're "just talking", I feel like your just probing for some answers that you probably already know. So what if I did tell you I was going into detox while we were on the phone? Would you act all surprise like you just heard it first from me? Probably. It's not that I care if I tell you first or not, it's just I rather you say, at the beginning, that you heard something, and if it's true.”
She wrote back with she understands where I’m coming from. Later that night, K and me went to a meeting a we found some things that are going on in her life that are quite stressful. There is no way I was going to add onto that. Some of us went out for coffee afterwards, and I can’t put what we said in here out of respect for the people talking and because people like to read what I write and get pissed off about it and use it against me.
I get onto my email this morning with Cindy saying, “So....I just talked to BJ. I don't ever want to talk to you or see you again. Have a nice life Sara!” I called BJ and she said they all got honest with each other last night and it all came out. We agreed to not talk to each other again, and that kinda fucking hurt, but what can you do? BJ reminds me of this girl I used to be really good friends with, annnd she’s out of my life due to her husband having some sort of weird issue with me. So the thing with BJ just kinda was a reminder of what happened a few years ago, so that was a little bit of a bummer.
I talked to Katherine probably a million times within about a 20 minute period today. Mad props to her for putting up with me. I was getting angry, but since I fucked up (although I didn’t do it alone), I feel like I have no place to be angry. But I can’t shake the anger. I’m not doing too bad actually, I’m finding it to be a blessing in disguise. I will miss them, hopefully I can still talk to Tracy, but if she won’t talk to me, I’ll understand.
What gets me though is the fact that everyone seems to always want to get honest when everyone involved isn’t there. I’m not trying to justify what I did, cause it was fucked up, and I know this. BJ knows this. Anyone in their right fucking mind knows this. BJ told me some shit that was said that she was a little upset with me about. What was fucked up, was that I never once fucking said what other people are fucking telling her I said. I have a big mouth sometimes, and after the whole Rocque thing went down last year, I’m learning it’s better to keep my mouth shut, regardless on how tough it may seem. However, other people are not, and I STILL feel I would betray these people if I start talking, even if it might clear some shit up.
I care about these people a lot, but honestly, if that’s sobriety, then they can have it. They can have their drama and their bullshit and their backstabbing and everything else. I will fucking miss some of them, and it fucking hurts to know some of the people I care about are hypocrites. But who am I to say anything after what I did on Saturday? Maybe my way of making amends for what happened is for me to leave. I think both parties (fuck me, “all” parties) involved would benefit from it.
I did write Cindy an email for the last time, and this is what I wrote:
I wanted to write to let you know I won't be going back to the RC, so I hope you won't be avoiding any meetings there to try and avoid me. BJ and me talked for the last time a few minutes ago, we both regret what we did, but we can't take it back. I don't agree with a lot of things that are going on, and some of the things I heard are flat out lies, but because of my mistake last Saturday, I don't feel I have the right to be angry, which fucks me up because I am angry. I'm angry with the fact that everyone tells me shit that I cannot repeat, yet they feel they can talk freely about anything, regardless if it's true or not. I'm angry with myself for trying to justify my mistake. I would never have sex with any of your friends, but for the last hour I sat here justifying kissing one of them. That's bullshit. I don't like being put in the middle of shit, yet I have allowed myself to be there.
I told someone at work what I did, and the next day I told them it was a big mistake that should have never happened. She told me to get a fucking spine and own up to it.
If you need to focus all your anger on someone, by all means, let it be me. I fucked up and I will own up to it. If I were to apologize, I think that would insulting to you, so forgive me if I don't.
I won't email you again, but I needed to say this.
Take care,
Sara