Hurt
It's weird. I don't know if writing is a good thing or a bad thing. If you overthink sometimes you will get depressed. Alot of things have been happenening to me as a test it feels like. I feel like God is testing me to see if I will really say positive, as if he is pushing my limits. I don't know how much further I can go.
I feel like I have no best friend. Yea, I say people are my bestest....but that is just words. I don't see much action from my friends, or much effort to hang out anymore. For my Cali friends, I know that Jas and Jackie and Maryum care about me more than others do, but I dont know what is wrong with me. I don't see them for like 4 days with no contact, and I am overly sensitive. I guess the little things really get to me. For example,
I have a crush on Eric, but for once in my life, I am not getting my hopes up. That doesn't mean that I won't get hurt. But still......he's probably a scam. I dunno about this subject anymore. I am truly happy being single. Not that I've had a relationship to really tell...but you know. haha.
I feel like my problems are worse than all of my friends (not worse than everybody in the world of course)...but people complain of being single for 2 and a half years....and I'm thinking "well try 20 years"...and people complain of there being nothing to do...and I'm like "well at least you have a car, I don't have one, and I'm literally ACHING to do stuff"..".....people complain about sleeping in the apartment alone....and i think "well I have to go through this pain and agony every single day"....people complain about being around low standard people but I think "oh geez....I have to ride that damned bus to get anywhere, with all of the low standard people..." It's only when I talk to people that I feel more depressed. But when I am alone, I feel like I can sort out my thoughts and let them go. But once Maryum starts talking to me (for example)...I get more sensitive and angry. Like tonight she called me (finally)...but the thing was we started talking about Stephanie Perez, and I mentioned that she called me...and she said a comment I was sensitive to "well Brittany and Justine would NEVER pick up the phone..that's why I am closer to them." Why would she randomly mention something like ths? It makes me think Maryum really IS selfish...that she only talks to me when her roommates Jacke and Jasmine are gone...which wow, coincidentally they were...I feel sometimes that people hang out with me when there is no one to hang with....at least I feel like that lately with my good friends.
I don't know....God is secretly telling me that don't worry...everything will fall into place in the end...and in order for that to happen, pain must be experienced first.......I just hope that "pain" doesn't involve losing anybody I love through death, which includes family (MOST IMPORTANTLY)...and then friends (SECOND IMPORTANTLY).....I hope nothing bad happens to me either of course, at least physcially.
I hooked up with Eric. I bet he's a super scam. Just like the rest. I don't know. He said I was "okay"...if you were with me that night you would understand what I'm talking about....Eric is just another hopeless case of my lack of boys in the 20 years that I've been living.
And the lack of friends being there for me is really hurting me lately.
I feel like I have no best friend. Yea, I say people are my bestest....but that is just words. I don't see much action from my friends, or much effort to hang out anymore. For my Cali friends, I know that Jas and Jackie and Maryum care about me more than others do, but I dont know what is wrong with me. I don't see them for like 4 days with no contact, and I am overly sensitive. I guess the little things really get to me. For example,
I have a crush on Eric, but for once in my life, I am not getting my hopes up. That doesn't mean that I won't get hurt. But still......he's probably a scam. I dunno about this subject anymore. I am truly happy being single. Not that I've had a relationship to really tell...but you know. haha.
I feel like my problems are worse than all of my friends (not worse than everybody in the world of course)...but people complain of being single for 2 and a half years....and I'm thinking "well try 20 years"...and people complain of there being nothing to do...and I'm like "well at least you have a car, I don't have one, and I'm literally ACHING to do stuff"..".....people complain about sleeping in the apartment alone....and i think "well I have to go through this pain and agony every single day"....people complain about being around low standard people but I think "oh geez....I have to ride that damned bus to get anywhere, with all of the low standard people..." It's only when I talk to people that I feel more depressed. But when I am alone, I feel like I can sort out my thoughts and let them go. But once Maryum starts talking to me (for example)...I get more sensitive and angry. Like tonight she called me (finally)...but the thing was we started talking about Stephanie Perez, and I mentioned that she called me...and she said a comment I was sensitive to "well Brittany and Justine would NEVER pick up the phone..that's why I am closer to them." Why would she randomly mention something like ths? It makes me think Maryum really IS selfish...that she only talks to me when her roommates Jacke and Jasmine are gone...which wow, coincidentally they were...I feel sometimes that people hang out with me when there is no one to hang with....at least I feel like that lately with my good friends.
I don't know....God is secretly telling me that don't worry...everything will fall into place in the end...and in order for that to happen, pain must be experienced first.......I just hope that "pain" doesn't involve losing anybody I love through death, which includes family (MOST IMPORTANTLY)...and then friends (SECOND IMPORTANTLY).....I hope nothing bad happens to me either of course, at least physcially.
I hooked up with Eric. I bet he's a super scam. Just like the rest. I don't know. He said I was "okay"...if you were with me that night you would understand what I'm talking about....Eric is just another hopeless case of my lack of boys in the 20 years that I've been living.
And the lack of friends being there for me is really hurting me lately.