SAME OLD STORY
Take me
And let me in
Don't break me
And shut me out
Suprisingly that is a Papa Roach song. It's pretty good!
I'm trying really hard to be positive. I have to stay positive. The world goes on. It goes on with or without a friend. With or without a guy.
You are your own worst enemy. So why not pamper yourself, give youself some confidence? Keep promises to yourself?
I just called Taylor. After a whole night of thinking about what I was going to say, or do. After long time advice from my good friend Jasmine (thank God she is here to listen to me, but help me not to dwell on things so much), Taylor didnt answer the phone at all. He didn't even care to answer. But I'm telling myself not to think in this way. I want to tell myself he is probably working, but is this too naive?
If he doesn't want to talk to me, or hang out with me (which I honestly did not think was the case at all), then why doesn't he really act like it? Why would he say he wanted to hang out instead of immediately make up some bogus excuse?
It's just so hard to even really get to know a guy these days. But I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to sink to that level anymore. I feel sometimes I have a broken soul. I feel like this cycle keeps repeating itself over and over. If all the passion in the world weren't enough, then what is? If the most apathetic or indifferent girl were to do something about this, then would something happen? Do I just need to be apathetic about this whole guy thing?
The truth is, I don't think I'm not necessarily readily mentally for a relationship. Or even physically because I am going to be in Las Vegas. But I think I like the thought of having a guy around. I like having him around, to sweet talk me, and make me feel special. Even if those words aren't real for the time being.
Sometimes when I look at other couples, I initially get either one of two reactions: To be utterly happy for them, and understand that I too will experience the feelings they feel. Or I feel complete bitterness. Feelings like, what is it that she has that I don't have? This is no matter of self confidence. It's just the wait that is hard for me. I am waiting longer than I expected for a guy. But on the positive side, I've gotten more guys than I ever thought I would get. This is just a weird phase I am going through.
I am wasting my time doing unecessary things. But I will NOT let allow myself to just wither away. I can't run away from my problems. I cannot just commit suicide.
What am I thankful for? A great loving family, great group of friends I met in California that I can call and see pretty much whenever I please, the fact that I moved to one of the best and most amazing places in the United States (orange county), I have my own apartment, my parents pay my rent, I've gotten better with guys, my mind is finally awake to help better myself, the 300 dollars that my mom gives me so I can buy stuff, my favorite bands that are positive through the most trying of times and music that makes you think, a chance to lose weight earlier this year, I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the recent feelings this year of having power and control of my life, my birthday coming up soon and a chance to celebrate it, my nice butt (lol), the great california weather, a chance to go to shows, not having a totally impossible academic schedule, meeting people finally in my actual classes that I could potentially hang out with, Brittany finally calling me back after all of these months, Dex listening and helping me in my most trying of times, my own laptop that I spend time on, a chance to actually watch television in my own apartment
It's hard but sometimes you have to go straight ahead....go for your dreams, and never look back! Sometimes you have to forget the past, and not think so much. Sometimes you can't dwell because dwelling stops you from moving ahead.
But sometimes when I do this, I still have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it doesnt go away unless I talk about it. But then again, the more I talk about it, the more sad and depressed I get.
I have no respect at all for my life, although I love all these things in my life and try to make my life better. I have no respect for my time and my goals. I have them, but I don't make any initiation to make them happen. And if I can't even do that, then how do I expect a guy to actually make the effort and call me?
This isn't about me crying myself to sleep, or getting really drunk and emotional in the shower and wanting to kill myself. This is about NOT DWELLING AND MOVING ON. This is realizing that there are other opportunities out there and grabbing them before it passes you by. Look at Maryum, she is constantly moving on, she values herself highly and she loves herself. I don't act like I love myself so much.
What exactly do I love about myself? I love that I got my extensions, I have a nice butt, I have a great personality (that needs some sharpening)
I should never compare myself to others because that's when low self esteem occurs. I don't care about the faces in the magazines, or the faces at other parties. All I care about it my own body. My own face. Because I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. If I don't learn to love it and take care of it, it will deteriorate, and my mind will deteriorate with it! I will be nothing. But with confidence, comes a great personality, with respect for your body, guys attach to you like magnets. There is still room to be promiscuous, there is still room to have some fun with guys, but ways to make it appear and look classy.
When you get with a guy you actually potentially think you could have feelings for, don't just blindly hook up with him. Make him feel special, and make him know you are interested, but that you don't know if you trust him. After Taylor I learned alot. I wish I could have Taylor sometimes, and it's not even that. Just getting to know him and POSSIBLY hooking up with him sometimes would be just enough for me. But this is more than I can handle sometimes.
Here I am calling this silly boy, and he doesn't answer the phone. Jasmine just called me and I told her. She told me not to worry about it, and not assume that he's not going to call me back. But I'm honestly assuming that he's not going to call me back.
If stuff is on my mind, if I actually do the work I will still feel better, and then I can move ahead.
What will get me to move ahead? What will get me some progress in this world?
If I give it all, give it my all in all aspects of life, if I live for the passion and excitement of life, but also the pleasures and comforts of life, and also the depth and intensity of life, with the rebellion and independence of life, with the relationships of life, will I strive to find one boy who likes me as much as I like him? If I mind my own business, he will come on his own. God has told me this a million bajillion times! I know this. And after this rant, I still believe in God. I believe he has a plan for me. And that he is testing me with this Taylor guy. He is waiting to see if I'm really ready for a relationship. God is waiting to see if I pass the constant tests of being polite, classy, respectful, fun, wild, balanced, non self abusive, family and friend oriented, self oriented and self motivated, etc.
Either way, the more I think about this, the more I go crazy obviously. But no one understands when I wake up in the middle of the night so lonely, so cold, so heartless, wanting at least a TASTE of what other people have. I know this phase will pass. I know in the past I have had problems fitting in with just friends, and doing what I want with them. Now look at me! I have friends left and right, mostly everybody likes me and thinks I am a cool girl.
I am Sara. I can get whatever I want to do. I have the power. And the control. I have the upper hand. The enthusiam, the excitement is right here in front of me, and I can do it.
NEVER LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING BRING YOU DOWN.
And let me in
Don't break me
And shut me out
Suprisingly that is a Papa Roach song. It's pretty good!
I'm trying really hard to be positive. I have to stay positive. The world goes on. It goes on with or without a friend. With or without a guy.
You are your own worst enemy. So why not pamper yourself, give youself some confidence? Keep promises to yourself?
I just called Taylor. After a whole night of thinking about what I was going to say, or do. After long time advice from my good friend Jasmine (thank God she is here to listen to me, but help me not to dwell on things so much), Taylor didnt answer the phone at all. He didn't even care to answer. But I'm telling myself not to think in this way. I want to tell myself he is probably working, but is this too naive?
If he doesn't want to talk to me, or hang out with me (which I honestly did not think was the case at all), then why doesn't he really act like it? Why would he say he wanted to hang out instead of immediately make up some bogus excuse?
It's just so hard to even really get to know a guy these days. But I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to sink to that level anymore. I feel sometimes I have a broken soul. I feel like this cycle keeps repeating itself over and over. If all the passion in the world weren't enough, then what is? If the most apathetic or indifferent girl were to do something about this, then would something happen? Do I just need to be apathetic about this whole guy thing?
The truth is, I don't think I'm not necessarily readily mentally for a relationship. Or even physically because I am going to be in Las Vegas. But I think I like the thought of having a guy around. I like having him around, to sweet talk me, and make me feel special. Even if those words aren't real for the time being.
Sometimes when I look at other couples, I initially get either one of two reactions: To be utterly happy for them, and understand that I too will experience the feelings they feel. Or I feel complete bitterness. Feelings like, what is it that she has that I don't have? This is no matter of self confidence. It's just the wait that is hard for me. I am waiting longer than I expected for a guy. But on the positive side, I've gotten more guys than I ever thought I would get. This is just a weird phase I am going through.
I am wasting my time doing unecessary things. But I will NOT let allow myself to just wither away. I can't run away from my problems. I cannot just commit suicide.
What am I thankful for? A great loving family, great group of friends I met in California that I can call and see pretty much whenever I please, the fact that I moved to one of the best and most amazing places in the United States (orange county), I have my own apartment, my parents pay my rent, I've gotten better with guys, my mind is finally awake to help better myself, the 300 dollars that my mom gives me so I can buy stuff, my favorite bands that are positive through the most trying of times and music that makes you think, a chance to lose weight earlier this year, I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the recent feelings this year of having power and control of my life, my birthday coming up soon and a chance to celebrate it, my nice butt (lol), the great california weather, a chance to go to shows, not having a totally impossible academic schedule, meeting people finally in my actual classes that I could potentially hang out with, Brittany finally calling me back after all of these months, Dex listening and helping me in my most trying of times, my own laptop that I spend time on, a chance to actually watch television in my own apartment
It's hard but sometimes you have to go straight ahead....go for your dreams, and never look back! Sometimes you have to forget the past, and not think so much. Sometimes you can't dwell because dwelling stops you from moving ahead.
But sometimes when I do this, I still have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it doesnt go away unless I talk about it. But then again, the more I talk about it, the more sad and depressed I get.
I have no respect at all for my life, although I love all these things in my life and try to make my life better. I have no respect for my time and my goals. I have them, but I don't make any initiation to make them happen. And if I can't even do that, then how do I expect a guy to actually make the effort and call me?
This isn't about me crying myself to sleep, or getting really drunk and emotional in the shower and wanting to kill myself. This is about NOT DWELLING AND MOVING ON. This is realizing that there are other opportunities out there and grabbing them before it passes you by. Look at Maryum, she is constantly moving on, she values herself highly and she loves herself. I don't act like I love myself so much.
What exactly do I love about myself? I love that I got my extensions, I have a nice butt, I have a great personality (that needs some sharpening)
I should never compare myself to others because that's when low self esteem occurs. I don't care about the faces in the magazines, or the faces at other parties. All I care about it my own body. My own face. Because I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. If I don't learn to love it and take care of it, it will deteriorate, and my mind will deteriorate with it! I will be nothing. But with confidence, comes a great personality, with respect for your body, guys attach to you like magnets. There is still room to be promiscuous, there is still room to have some fun with guys, but ways to make it appear and look classy.
When you get with a guy you actually potentially think you could have feelings for, don't just blindly hook up with him. Make him feel special, and make him know you are interested, but that you don't know if you trust him. After Taylor I learned alot. I wish I could have Taylor sometimes, and it's not even that. Just getting to know him and POSSIBLY hooking up with him sometimes would be just enough for me. But this is more than I can handle sometimes.
Here I am calling this silly boy, and he doesn't answer the phone. Jasmine just called me and I told her. She told me not to worry about it, and not assume that he's not going to call me back. But I'm honestly assuming that he's not going to call me back.
If stuff is on my mind, if I actually do the work I will still feel better, and then I can move ahead.
What will get me to move ahead? What will get me some progress in this world?
If I give it all, give it my all in all aspects of life, if I live for the passion and excitement of life, but also the pleasures and comforts of life, and also the depth and intensity of life, with the rebellion and independence of life, with the relationships of life, will I strive to find one boy who likes me as much as I like him? If I mind my own business, he will come on his own. God has told me this a million bajillion times! I know this. And after this rant, I still believe in God. I believe he has a plan for me. And that he is testing me with this Taylor guy. He is waiting to see if I'm really ready for a relationship. God is waiting to see if I pass the constant tests of being polite, classy, respectful, fun, wild, balanced, non self abusive, family and friend oriented, self oriented and self motivated, etc.
Either way, the more I think about this, the more I go crazy obviously. But no one understands when I wake up in the middle of the night so lonely, so cold, so heartless, wanting at least a TASTE of what other people have. I know this phase will pass. I know in the past I have had problems fitting in with just friends, and doing what I want with them. Now look at me! I have friends left and right, mostly everybody likes me and thinks I am a cool girl.
I am Sara. I can get whatever I want to do. I have the power. And the control. I have the upper hand. The enthusiam, the excitement is right here in front of me, and I can do it.
NEVER LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING BRING YOU DOWN.